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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 20:06

@CanIHaveADrink

Doesn't stop you from providing the wine, spirits, Prosecco for Buck's Fizz etc, does it?

Palaver1 · 28/12/2019 20:06

Most parent would say no dont bring anything.
Its for us to take something look at their response and delight when you hand what you have taken .
Some ask to make themselves feel better dont ask take something along and be a little respectful and polite.
Come dine with me ..remember that programme I always judge the quest who went empty handed as mean and tight

independentfriend · 28/12/2019 20:08

I think this comes down to communication - it wouldn't have been unreasonable to ask them to bring particular items (depending on what the items are/how far they're travelling), but you didn't have any conversation with them about this in advance. In some social circles turning up with extra food is viewed as expected, in others welcome but not expected, in others again, as a hinderance (if there's no storage space, it doesn't fit with other food, it has to be eaten quickly etc) or possibly even as an insult (like the food-bringer doesn't think the host is capable of catering properly for everyone).

If they have more income and you're on less/a fixed pension etc, it's maybe worth asking for contributions towards the cost of the food shopping (might well be easier for you do to all of the shopping yourselves than try to coordinate different people bringing different items) if you're not going to say, alternate and spend Christmas in 2020 at one of their houses instead and spread the cost out evenly amongst you over a number of years.

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 20:09

@kmammamalto

Quite, I wouldn't expect my family of 4 to stay for 5 days and provide absolutely nothing.

Regardless of meals, what the fuck are these people drinking for both them and their children, never mind the hosts!

Fabmumof3 · 28/12/2019 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Candyfloss99 · 28/12/2019 20:12

Are your own children really classified as guests? I don't think so. How awful if they thought they couldn't come to stay with their parents without bringing gifts.

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 20:13

@AhNowTed, tried that before. Many times (same with paying for the restaurant etc...). They are getting offended if I do......

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 20:15

And yes I think that it’s also linked with the idea that I am NOT a guest, but their dd and they will not accept me stepping up to cook/bring something/pay if they feel I am doing that ‘out of obligation because otherwise it is rude’ (which is what so many people on this thread are saying)

Seeing that the OP doesn’t want et dd to bring stuff if she feels obliged to do it. And at the same time, she wants them to participate, I’m struggling to see how those two views can be compatible

RiddleyW · 28/12/2019 20:15

It seems so weird to me you wouldn’t just ask. My mum has us all over and told me to bring pudding. If I tried to pay for anything they’d laugh at me.

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 20:21

@CanIHaveADrink

I do understand but that shouldn't stop you from doing the decent thing.

Despite your parents protestations I'll bet they'd be delighted that you'd showed some gratitude and generosity.

MRex · 28/12/2019 20:23

I think in future you'll have to ask her for a contribution in advance, it's rather crass to be asking after the event.

I'm mostly just stunned by the numbers people are.throwing around for their Christmas food! Someone said their DH gives her dad £200 for Christmas dinner, but 8 of us had many leftovers from under £200 Christmas dinner shop including all the alcohol. The organic turkey, gammon and all the bottles of prosecco had noticeable costs but the rest is cheap; is it because people buy ready-made desserts or is it just pricey alcohol that's increasing the cost? By no means scrimping we've spent £450 on other food and alcohol across a 3 week period; that includes multiple meal / buffet hosting plus all our other meals and many treats (pastry for Christmas day croissants etc), while the fridges/freezer/cupboards are still over-full. So WTF are you people buying?

reginafelangee · 28/12/2019 20:25

It's very rude to not contribute or offer. And very rude to not offer to help cook, clear up etc.

Maryann1975 · 28/12/2019 20:27

I think this depends on the family. If I went to my parents for Christmas, I would turn up ‘empty handed’ (which I did this time last week for our extended family Christmas meal) and no one would think anything of it. But, at the same time, I had no issues that my parents turned up to Christmas dinner at my house with nothing. It all evens out in the end, especially with close family, surely?

PhilCornwall1 · 28/12/2019 20:28

We went to my parents on Xmas day and took 2 bottles of really decent wine (very tasty!! Confused) and cheese and biscuits. It wasn't asked for, we just do it.

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 20:34

@PhilCornwall1 @Maryann1975

You're taking about one day.

The OP is talking about 5 days for 5 people. That's a very different prospect.

Surely in those circumstances you wouldn't turn up with literally nothing, nor show any reciprocation.

MRex · 28/12/2019 20:35

@AhNowTed - quite probably not, my DP and PIL are both like @CanIHaveADrink's. In our own house we can treat them (except once when FIL memorably actually raced me to my own door for takeaway and we'll each often bring alcohol), and very occasionally we might get to treat either set to a meal for their anniversary or birthday. The rest of the time it's hard to pay for anything at all when we're with them, particularly my parents. It's their way of showing we're still their little ones, however old we get and my mum's DP were just the same. Fighting it seems to them like rejecting their attempts to care for us. Some families just operate differently than others.

TidaQuel · 28/12/2019 20:35

We’ve just been to my parents for 5 days, 2 adults, 3 children. We provided all the food for and cooked two evening meals (one for an extra 6 people too). We also took plenty of snacks, bread, cakes, drinks and Prosecco. And then contributed all the veg towards the main Christmas meal. Oh and took along a few desserts too.

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 20:36

@PhilCornwall1 sorry didn't mean to include you in that. Clearly you have more sense.

CountFosco · 28/12/2019 20:37

Guests should bring something but if you want a bigger contribution than a token bottle of wine it's probably worth saying. Prechildren we always took a case of wine and my homemade Christmas pudding to the ILs for Christmas (admittedly this was so I could control the booze, FIL was meaner with it than I like, and MIL is foreign so just bought a pudding so homemade was appreciated), and we did a supermarket shop while there as well. Now MIL appears at ours with masses of food Grin, I ask her for some homemade stuff from her country but she takes even more than that.

Squirrelblanket · 28/12/2019 20:39

I wouldn't offer to host five people for five days if I couldn't comfortably afford it. However, if they didn't offer to contribute or bring something with them I would find it extremely rude and it's likely they wouldn't be invited again. People really should not need something like that spelling out.

ThePlantsitter · 28/12/2019 20:41

You would not be unreasonable to ask beforehand but it is unreasonable to expect them to have contributed afterwards. They can't go back in time.

I was contributing to xmas from the age of 17 by buying the Christmas tree or being responsible for one aspect of dinner. I'm not bigging myself up here, presumably my parents communicated what was expected of me beforehand because I can't imagine I offered out of nowhere.

If this is a sudden realisation on your part you can't expect them to magically know you expect it all of a sudden. Their cultural norms in your house come from you, even as adults.

billy1966 · 28/12/2019 20:44

OP,
Appalling bad manners.

It is most certainly not about the cost, though of course that might also be an additional factor for some people.

I think your daughter most definitely should have brought a gift, helped out, and made lunch.
I also would think if not offering to take you out for a meal they should offer to cook a meal.
5 days is a long time for 5 people to be catered for.
Their behaviour is very poor and ill mannered.

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 20:45

Honestly I can't believe some of the responses.

Even when we were totally skint, staying with my in-laws over Xmas for up to a week, me or my DH would religiously nip to the off licence each night to get the drinks in.

It's no good saying "they should ask". Where's your generosity and appreciation?

CurlyMango · 28/12/2019 20:47

And we thought it rough when they arrived with a bottle of gin and cheese. But took the gin home having drunk ours.....and no they didn’t ask do you mind if we take it back CF

ThePlantsitter · 28/12/2019 20:48

I mean, I suppose it depends what you want to happen in future, doesn't it? I agree they should contribute but they didn't. So you have a few choices: ask now for this year, make sure you ask for next year, never invite them again or invite them, don't ask, and allow the resentment to build that they didn't contribute because for whatever reason they didn't feel it necessary. Moaning about it to anyone except them doesn't really achieve anything.

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