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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Didn't get a thank you note AIBU

251 replies

lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 13:21

Might have to leave a few details out, because it's a bit sensitive. I went to a family wedding and gave £50 on the wedding list website towards the honeymoon; other members of the family gave money as well. I didn't receive a thank you note. I have recently seen the bride and she didn't even thank me personally. I noted that she sent thank you cards to her bridesmaids, but not to the more general guests. I thought that was terribly rude. But perhaps these days brides don't thank everyone? AIBU?

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 29/12/2019 10:06

Similar situation here. The bride just issued a general thank you on Facebook apparently but I don’t do Facebook, as I guess others don’t either. I’ve seen bride and groom since but no mention of our gift. I think it’s very rude.

Newkitchen123 · 29/12/2019 10:06

I was brought up to say thank you!
When I was a child, I would always call my aunties and uncles and say thank you for Christmas presents etc.
As I reached my teens or whatever, these gifts became vouchers. I would then make a point of calling them and saying what I'd bought with the vouchers
I'm now middle aged and yesterday I went to visit FIL and thanked him for what we'd bought with the money he gave for Christmas.
Recently married abroad. We sent a handwritten card to everyone who came. We did this as we got back because life gets in the way. We didn't wait for photos because everyone had their own photos and we had posted a lot on SM.
It's just basic manners say thank you!

Yoohoo16 · 29/12/2019 10:07

I agree it’s rude. Still waiting for a thank you from a wedding we attended 2.5 years ago.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 29/12/2019 10:07

DickKerr we wrote half each (roughly, didn’t count exactly how many!). Everybody got a written thank you.

DickKerrLadies · 29/12/2019 10:09

DisorganisedOrganiser

Thanks!

Goatinthegarden · 29/12/2019 10:12

I have had one thank you card out of all of the weddings I’ve attended over the last decade (from my early twenties through to early thirties, so there have been a fair few!).

I had a very small wedding myself, but hand-wrote my cards the day I returned from my honeymoon. Why invite 200-odd guests if you can’t find a way to thank them? You managed to summon them there in the first place, so you know how to contact them all...

It doesn’t deeply upset or offend me and I still would give the gift. I do think it’s sad though that a couple can meticulously spend months planning a whole event, but not find the time to send a short thank you afterwards.

GOODCAT · 29/12/2019 10:16

We wrote ours and included a photo of the guest and sent them the next day. We also requested no presents, so the thank you was for taking the time to attend, though also a thank you for those who still gave presents. We both did them together.

Goatinthegarden · 29/12/2019 10:16

May I ask those who hand-wrote thank you cards and married men, did they write half the cards? I ask because I've never heard men talk about how rude it is to not send thank you cards in a timely fashion, only my MIL women.

DH didn’t write the cards because he went straight back to work and I had several weeks off still.

He very diligently writes letters to our handful of ancient relatives each Christmas though!

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 10:24

How am I supposed to know if a thank you card is sincere or whether you've just done it because you felt you had to?

the same way your hosts doesn't know if the gift was sincere or because they felt they had to

I really hope your question was actually tongue-in-cheek!

DickKerrLadies · 29/12/2019 10:30

Thanks Goat!

TBF if I'd let my DH write cards no-one would ever have known who they were from or what they said. I've often told him he should have been a doctor with handwriting like that

LaBelleSauvage · 29/12/2019 10:36

Our wedding had around 180 guests so there were a good 100 thank you notes to send. I sent them all within 2 weeks of the wedding but since found out from MIL that two of DH's relatives did not receive a card. They were definitely sent as I remember the gifts and what I wrote about them.l Perhaps more didn't receive but how on earth would we find out? All those I spoke to receieved their note

I think it might be the case that yours was lost in the post. I was quite upset that some of ours had been.

I think perhaps in a large company like royal mail, with hundreds of thousands of employees, there's unfortunately going to be at least a few people who will open cards occasionally for the chance they contain money.

I wouldn't hold it against your hosts

DickKerrLadies · 29/12/2019 10:37

I really hope your question was actually tongue-in-cheek!

Partly!

I have this weird fascination with stuff like this though - maybe I missed the etiquette lessons at my working class school!

catx1606 · 29/12/2019 10:49

Did they thank you when you gave them the card? Did they mention anything on social media? The wedding was only in November. They might have gone on honeymoon then straight into Christmas preparations. Give them a chance

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 10:50

I am as working class as you get, my mum still managed to teach us to say please and thank you to be fair!

DickKerrLadies · 29/12/2019 10:53

I am as working class as you get, my mum still managed to teach us to say please and thank you to be fair!

But this isn't about saying please and thank you, is it? This thread is about written thanks.

Goatinthegarden · 29/12/2019 10:58

@ DickKerrLadies DH ‘writes’ his letters on the computer and prints them out for the oldies. His handwriting is awfully strange....

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 11:02

But this isn't about saying please and thank you, is it? This thread is about written thanks.

it's exactly the same concept. We were taught to write thank you cards too. We even wrote thank you cards for our teachers at the end of the year.

I can't think of one birthday party where the kids didn't get a thank you, so it really is not such a weird concept.

NemophilistRebel · 29/12/2019 11:04

I’d just like to add how frustrating it is that the blame always seems to come down to the female partner.

The only people I hear winging about not receiving a thank you note is when it’s aimed at the wife and is just seen as wife work

greenlavender · 29/12/2019 11:04

@WatchingTheMoon - I'm hardly being 'pissy' by suggesting that thanking someone for a gift is unreasonable. And asking for money in your circle maybe normal but you know for people who don't have much money, that's a real problem because if they can't give much hard cash then they'll be judged. And in my experience people who ask for cash are amongst the most materialistic & judgemental. Maybe try being a little more empathetic.

DickKerrLadies · 29/12/2019 11:05

Hmmm, I'm not sure where etiquette stands on word processed thank you cards!

To be fair, bad handwriting is a great way to give cards to the people who you can't remember what they gave you.

'Dear Auntie Mavis, Thank you ever so much for your wonderful gift of it was most appreciated. All our love Janet and Roy'

saraclara · 29/12/2019 11:06

I’d just like to add how frustrating it is that the blame always seems to come down to the female partner.

Where has anyone blamed the female partner?

NemophilistRebel · 29/12/2019 11:06

This is a female centric website

NemophilistRebel · 29/12/2019 11:07

The op herself said ‘bride’ in her opening post about the bride not saying thanks

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2019 11:13

May I ask those who hand-wrote thank you cards and married men, did they write half the cards?

Yes he did.

I have today written thank you notes for my Christmas gifts from people who posted them. My 13 year old has done the same.

It takes minutes. IMO if you are happy to accept a gift, you should be happy to spend the time to thank the person who gave it to you!

BoxedWine · 29/12/2019 11:20

@BoxedWine Seriously? No one will be offended or annoyed to receive a thank you (and I never said it had to be a card although they're nice). Some people might not mind either way but plenty of people do mind and will be upset not to. Therefore you should obviously send cards (or some other genuine thank you) to everyone since 90% of your guests will be pleased to get them and annoyed not to.

If you never said it had to be a card and don't think that smellysocks, why are you responding to posts from someone who's specifically talking about thank you cards? Again, people need to stop conflating thank you cards with thank you per se.

@BoxedWine Goodness me you're very bitter about thanking people who have taken time out of their lives to celebrate with you on top of generous gifts. Most people prefer to get a card as it can be put up and looks nice but another method of thanks would be OK I guess as long as it felt genuine. A text to say "thanks for the gift" would be fairly inadequate.

Saying things you don't agree with isn't bitterness. You have no idea whether most people prefer a card either, that's just a claim you've made with nothing to back it up. People really need to stop assuming everyone agrees with them. There is quite obviously a diversity of opinion when it comes to thank you cards and cards generally.

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