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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't get a thank you note AIBU

251 replies

lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 13:21

Might have to leave a few details out, because it's a bit sensitive. I went to a family wedding and gave £50 on the wedding list website towards the honeymoon; other members of the family gave money as well. I didn't receive a thank you note. I have recently seen the bride and she didn't even thank me personally. I noted that she sent thank you cards to her bridesmaids, but not to the more general guests. I thought that was terribly rude. But perhaps these days brides don't thank everyone? AIBU?

OP posts:
fromcitytocountry · 28/12/2019 18:40

I wrote personal thank you cards to every single guest/couple that attended our wedding.
I got my photos shortly after the wedding and had my cards out within a month.
I think it's incredibly rude to not thank guests and think 6 months is far longer than needed...so no OP I dont think yabu

Delatron · 28/12/2019 18:44

I think, etiquette wise you have about 3 months to write thank you notes after a wedding. I’ve know 6 months. It’s fine! It’s demanding to expect one within a month.

TheoneandObi · 28/12/2019 19:00

Oh god OP could that be my son's
Wedding? In November?? I saw bride and groom this Xmas and they are on it I promise - have been waiting for photos to come though so they can send pics with thank you notes.
Think this is normal.
Plus they went on honeymoon then back to work then Xmas.
Think that may also be slowing things down.
I wonder. Seriously if you're talking about my son and his wedding?? Aiso in their defence it was a bloody good party that you hopefully enjoyed!
Keep us posted!

Original poster
lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 19:17

Theoneandobi no l can assure you it was not your son's wedding!

OP posts:
DickKerrLadies · 28/12/2019 19:17

I think, etiquette wise you have about 3 months to write thank you notes after a wedding. I’ve know 6 months. It’s fine! It’s demanding to expect one within a month.

Genuine question - how do you know this? Where did you learn it?

I mean, saying thank you is one thing, but there are rules for this shit?

TheoneandObi · 28/12/2019 19:22

Relieved to hear it Lily! I was starting to feel a little defensive!
It's given me pause for thought though. People are easily offended by wedding stuff. I know the oldies didn't like my DS and wife to be asking for money for their honeymoon, even though they hypothecated it, breaking down what individual stays/tickets/meals would likely cost.
I'm going to keep on at them I think, to make sure thank yous don't slip down the agenda!

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 19:25

"I know the oldies didn't like my DS and wife to be asking for money for their honeymoon, even though they hypothecated it, breaking down what individual stays/tickets/meals would likely cost. "

I'll be honest, I'm only in my 30s and I don't particularly like that either. But each to their own!

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 19:33

I love giving vouchers towards a honeymoon etc! Great to think of my gift being used in a way the couple will really want with a lovely start to married life. Who needs another toaster in this day and age?

NomNomNomNom · 28/12/2019 19:35

I am actually happy at weddings to give money/voucher gifts. I think it would be wasteful for the B&G to get huge quantities of things most of which they wouldn't want or be able to store.

flowery · 28/12/2019 19:39

”I know the oldies didn't like my DS and wife to be asking for money for their honeymoon”

Guess that makes me an oldie then, at the age of 43....

DickKerrLadies · 28/12/2019 19:50

What's the problem with honeymoon money? I haven't been to a wedding where the couple weren't living together beforehand and there was actual things they needed.

Bodyposiftw · 28/12/2019 19:56

Do people really keep tabs on thank you notes? I find this a bit petty. On the other hand, you say that 50 pounds is not a lot of money, whereas I think it is very kind.

HariboStarmix · 28/12/2019 19:59

The people saying they had hundreds of guests at their wedding and therefore couldn't possibly send a thank you to all of them - you must have sent out invites somehow? That obviously wasn't such an insurmountable task otherwise these hundreds of people wouldn't have known when and where to bring these gifts you're not saying thank you for.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 20:11

"What's the problem with honeymoon money? I haven't been to a wedding where the couple weren't living together beforehand and there was actual things they needed."

I'm just a bit old fashioned that way. I think couples should pay for their own honeymoons. If guests want to give them money to be put towards it then fine but I find it a bit off to specify in invites that that's what you want.

Delatron · 28/12/2019 20:12

There’s etiquette. Not the same as rules. So when the invites go out etc. You don’t have to abide by them but you should also know that it’s absolutely fine and quite common not to receive a thank you card within a month. That it’s acceptable for them to take a few months... and not get pissed off and cross. Especially if it was a big wedding. You got fed and watered and entertained etc. I think it’s strange to expect a ridiculously prompt thank you card. As long as one turns up at some point that is fine!

Ragwort · 28/12/2019 20:20

There is absolutely no need to wait for photos or special stationery, it’s just procrastinating for the sake of it, I actually did write a few thank you letters on my honeymoon Grin.

The funniest thank you I ever received was clearly written by the MOTB, how lazy is that Hmm.

Fleamaker123 · 28/12/2019 20:25

I'm gobsmacked that people think it's ok not to thank someone or even acknowledge a gift has been received??? Really?? Beyond rude

NoseyBuggerMummy · 28/12/2019 20:30

Wow I've never heard of anyone not bothering with some form of thank you. (I've once received an email with pictures of what money was spent on on honeymoon). Once the Thank yous were delayed since B&G had had various big issues to deal with on returning from honeymoon - that was fine.

I think it's fairly unbelievable that after guests have spent a day attending their wedding, sometimes having to stay over, and given a gift that the B&G can't spend an afternoon sending out thank you cards (or at least sending a message!). Height of rudeness!

NoseyBuggerMummy · 28/12/2019 20:32

The people saying they had hundreds of guests at their wedding and therefore couldn't possibly send a thank you to all of them - you must have sent out invites somehow? That obviously wasn't such an insurmountable task otherwise these hundreds of people wouldn't have known when and where to bring these gifts you're not saying thank you for.

Exactly! And no doubt all the planning and visiting venues, ordering flowers etc took more than a few days. Yet they can't find a few hours to thank their guests who kindly sent gifts?

Traynorbird · 28/12/2019 20:35

I'm sure they're grateful & they obviously like you enough to invite you to their wedding. Maybe they haven't got a tradition of written thank you notes or the day was a blur and they think they said thank you at the time. I wouldn't be too offended if I were you.

BatShite · 28/12/2019 20:46

I have never ever recieved a thank you card for gifts/money, whatever the occasion. I actually thought that was just something you see on TV!

Not saying thanks in person when actually recieving it is a bit shitty though.

DickKerrLadies · 28/12/2019 20:52

I have never ever recieved a thank you card for gifts/money, whatever the occasion. I actually thought that was just something you see on TV!

The only thank you cards I've ever received were printed, generic ones rather than the hand-written, personalised letters some people seem to expect on MN.

I suspect it's a class thing!

Delatron · 28/12/2019 21:13

How do we know they are not bothering though? The wedding was in November? So if a card arrives next week that’s too late? It’s not.

Come back in a couple of months otherwise it’s standard for them to take a while..

kyles101 · 28/12/2019 22:22

I'm sure it's on the way. Christmas honeymoon etc will have taken up time. The bride would have been better to say "thank you for kind gift, proper thank you on the way" etc but sometimes people are embarrassed. Better to wait for a thank you than the awful pre printed generic thank you cards we've had from a wedding and christening recently - genuinely i'd rather not have one than receive one like that.

flowery · 28/12/2019 22:24

”What's the problem with honeymoon money? I haven't been to a wedding where the couple weren't living together beforehand and there was actual things they needed.”

Asking for money in lieu of a present is a bit tasteless and grabby in my view.

And since when does not needing anything mean it’s fine to ask for money? There’s nothing I actually technically need when it’s Christmas or my birthday. I don’t tell all my family they should give me cash towards a holiday.

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