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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't get a thank you note AIBU

251 replies

lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 13:21

Might have to leave a few details out, because it's a bit sensitive. I went to a family wedding and gave £50 on the wedding list website towards the honeymoon; other members of the family gave money as well. I didn't receive a thank you note. I have recently seen the bride and she didn't even thank me personally. I noted that she sent thank you cards to her bridesmaids, but not to the more general guests. I thought that was terribly rude. But perhaps these days brides don't thank everyone? AIBU?

OP posts:
BustedDreams · 28/12/2019 16:26

I went to a close family members wedding recently. Gifted £150.00 cash. Not a thank you, no thank you card, yadda all. Plain rude.

YANBU.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 16:27

"Ginger, my kids are at the stage of wanting to send Christmas cards to everyone they have ever met and all their school friends. I felt a huge amount of judgement for that because of the paper waste. School received loads of complaints from parents about the use of cards. Playground gossip is they are considering banning it next year. So yes, people can be offended by cards."

I'm not a big fan of sending Christmas cards to everyone you've ever met either but a specific thank you for a specific gift given is totally different.

And as for donation boxes at weddings...🙄

flowery · 28/12/2019 16:27

”I actually do think there should be some kind of donation box at the entrance to weddings etc. A wedding can easily cost 20k plus.“

Oh you can’t be serious. You’re talking as though having an expensive wedding is some kind of requirement and should be considered a charity event!

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:29

I certainly felt it was a requirement. There would have been hell to pay from both families if we didn’t. And no, we didn’t pay for most of it. Our parents did since they wanted the big white wedding so much.

Aragog · 28/12/2019 16:30

I don't actually know anyone in real life who didn't send thank yous fairly quickly. There was none of this having to wait for photographs and not sending them for months.

Last two weddings we went to we had thank you notes sent to us within the month, one of them wasn't much over a week later.

Several years back we sent ours out the week after receiving them. We just had nice thank you. I didn't think everyone needed a photograph of me to do so.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 16:32

"And no, we didn’t pay for most of it. Our parents did since they wanted the big white wedding so much."

So you think your guests should compensate your parents and in laws?

Aragog · 28/12/2019 16:32

We got emailed photographs of ourselves as guests separately later when they'd been received. We saw the couples' photographs via an online link around the same time.

alexdgr8 · 28/12/2019 16:33

actually I think giving money, anonymously, on the day, as long as it's well guarded is quite a good idea.
I hate the wedding list, people asking for what they want, and consequently knowing exactly how much someone has paid, been able to spend. I find that concept obnoxious.

flowery · 28/12/2019 16:36

”I certainly felt it was a requirement. There would have been hell to pay from both families if we didn’t.”

Luckily most people’s families aren’t like that.

”And no, we didn’t pay for most of it. Our parents did since they wanted the big white wedding so much.“

What’s the issue then? Your parents wanted a big wedding, were happy to pay for it, and you went along with it. No problem. Where does the need for a donation box come into it?

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:37

I absolutely don’t think guests should have to compensate. I am saying that if they want to help, a box would be nice. Plus in the context of the cost of a wedding that £50 is really not a huge amount of money. Their place could easily have cost over £100.

I often have only given £20 before for a wedding when it was all I could afford. The difference is I did not expect a lavish thank you for it.

Aragog · 28/12/2019 16:38

£50 barely pays what it costs to have you at a lavish wedding.

That's not how weddings are supposed to work. What an entitled attitude it would be to think this Hmm

You invite guests who you want to have their to witness your marriage and who you want to celebrate with.

As the host you provide your guests with some food and drink.

As a guest you send money on attending a wedding - often involves needing new clothes, travel, accommodation and usually a gift.

You don't, or rather you shouldn't, be trying to work out if your guest has 'paid' enough with their gift to cover their food bill!! Do you only invite fitness and family who can afford enough to do this? What about poor friends? Are they excluded?

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:38

flowery, we didn’t need a donation box. As you say, our parents paid as I stood firm on that. I had no desire for the big wedding. I am just saying that for weddings in general it might be nice as they are hugely expensive.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:40

Unless you have changed size or have never been to a wedding before you usually don’t need to buy new clothes!

WatchingTheMoon · 28/12/2019 16:40

I don't see the point tbh. I sent them but I think they're stupid and don't expect them at all.

Glassmami · 28/12/2019 16:43

I think it's a bit too early for thank you notes, my relative got married in June and I have only just received a thank you card

Aragog · 28/12/2019 16:44

You don't need to but most people, in my experience, do choose to buy a new dress or shirt for a wedding. There are hundreds of threads on MN about people choosing new wedding outfits. There have been several over the years who have criticised posters who haven't bight new outfits for weddings!

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 16:46

"I am just saying that for weddings in general it might be nice as they are hugely expensive."

They are as hugely expensive as the parties want to make them.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:46

I haven’t bought a new dress for a wedding in about 5 years. My husband wears the same three suits. Kids wear whatever, they have loads of hand me down clothes which are often good quality.

The last time I got a new dress for a wedding was out of necessity as I was heavily pregnant.

Otherwise I just rotate the same stuff. If people don’t like it that’s their problem.

FairytaleofButlins · 28/12/2019 16:52

I think 1 month plus honeymoon is the acceptable time to write thank you card. Yes, you could drag it to 6 months, but frankly it's ridiculous, it doesn't take that long to write a small personalised note to everyone.

I had 150 guests-ish to my wedding, it was done within a month - including the photo (I did chose to go on honeymoon AFTER but that is personal Grin )

flowery · 28/12/2019 16:55

”I am just saying that for weddings in general it might be nice as they are hugely expensive.“

As long as everyone has the wedding they (or whoever is paying for it) can afford, donation boxes wouldn’t be nice at all, or remotely necessary.

If I saw a donation box at a wedding my eyebrows would absolutely go through the roof.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:06

We went to a wedding in August and haven't received a thank you for the money in a card but who cares? There were bloody loads of people there, we love the couple who got married and everyone had a fantastic day. I don't need a thank you note...

Original poster
lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 17:30

I did wear a dress l had worn before, just because l am on a low wage. I know £50 was not a.lot.but l could not afford more.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:33

£50 is a lot of money - don't feel guilty about that. I'm sure it was gratefully received, there's just a lot going on around weddings.

If she's only send thank you cards to the bridesmaids it's not personal.

WatchingTheMoon · 28/12/2019 18:33

@GiveHerHellFromUs That's how I feel. If I go to a wedding and give a present or money, it's because I like the people, not because I expect something in return. I find the obligation people feel in these situations totally baffling. My brother, my bloody brother, has started expecting a thank you card off me for Christmas presents for some reason, it's so fucking weird.

LH1987 · 28/12/2019 18:40

Most of the weddings i have attended recently did not send thank you notes. I’ll probably get blasted but I think thank you notes are maybe a little old fashioned. I wouldn’t worry a £50 gift is a nice gift and I’m sure more would not have been expected.

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