Didn't get a thank you note AIBU

[lilypoppet]

Might have to leave a few details out, because it's a bit sensitive. I went to a family wedding and gave £50 on the wedding list website towards the honeymoon; other members of the family gave money as well. I didn't receive a thank you note. I have recently seen the bride and she didn't even thank me personally. I noted that she sent thank you cards to her bridesmaids, but not to the more general guests. I thought that was terribly rude. But perhaps these days brides don't thank everyone? AIBU?

Yes it’s very rude, I wrote thank you cards as we received presents. What’s happened to common courtesy to thank someone for taking the time out to give you a gift.

She should of course have thanked you when she saw you but the thank you note will probably be on its way in the New Year. Many brides wait for their photos and have a card printed with pictures on from the day as it’s nice for guests to see, including those who couldn’t make it.

I posted saying you have at least a 3 month window to send thank you cards- and two posters tagged me angrily suggesting I should have sent mine out within the 3 month window 🤔 not sure what’s gone on there.

FWIW I had ours out 8-10 weeks after the ceremony. All hand written. But I stand by what I said, UP TO 3 months is fine. 4 pushing it... 5 months plus YABU!

@DisorganisedOrganiser - if I'm at a wedding & I want a picture of the happy couple I'll take one myself. Etiquette doesn't go out of fashion, and a thank you can be done without a card if it's that much trouble. And if you can't afford a massive wedding then cut your cloth accordingly. A contribution box is a ridiculous suggestion, so grabby & entitled.

Asking for money in lieu of a present is a bit tasteless and grabby in my view.

And since when does not needing anything mean it’s fine to ask for money? There’s nothing I actually technically need when it’s Christmas or my birthday. I don’t tell all my family they should give me cash towards a holiday.

Fair enough, but it is a 'social convention' (etiquette, perhaps!) to turn up at such an event with a gift of some sort unless specifically told otherwise. And even then, I think lots of people would turn up with a bottle or something.

And I tend to like the people I give gifts to. I don't then have unspoken expectations of an appropriate level of perceived gratefulness for which I will judge the person I gave a gift to (which I gave because I like them, remember!).

The only person getting stressed by that is the giver - the receiver has no idea because the giver won't say anything. And clearly in some of these cases, they wouldn't give a shit anyway!

It's bonkers! Why not just assume they appreciated it and move on?

May I ask those who hand-wrote thank you cards and married men, did they write half the cards? I ask because I've never heard men talk about how rude it is to not send thank you cards in a timely fashion, only my MIL women.

@DickKerrLadies you seem to be conflating the two separate issues being discussed. My views on people asking for cash instead of gifts have absolutely no connection with my views on thank yous.

The people who expect thank you notes seem to be the same people who dislike cash being requested at weddings.

Gifts = fine to request, money not.

Weird.

@WatchingTheMoon - such a weird post. Someone gives you a present, you say thank you. In some form. It's almost always rude to ask for money. Very basic manners.

”Gifts = fine to request, money not.

Weird.”

You’re right, it would be a bit weird to think it’s fine to ask for gifts but not fine to ask for money.

However no one has actually said anything of the sort, so commenting that it is weird is...well...weird.

I have to admit we forgot to send thank yous. We got married at Christmas so after honeymoon then Christmas and going back to work in the new year i just forgot.

I didn't realise people thought it was such a big deal until I started reading threads like this.

We get sent thank you cards but I wouldn't notice if we don't. Once the wedding is over I've forgotten about it.

Similar here @christmasathome
Hope our relatives aren’t starting threads about me

Been pondering thank you notes in general. When my kids were little we tied them to the kitchen chair until they'd written them! Now however I reckon they occasionally send a thank you email. Likewise I rarely receive thank you's from grown up (ish) nieces and nephews. Do I care? No. I give because I want to give. I want to remain a small part of their lives if they're far away.
With weddings a guest is getting g (I hope) a lovely get together,
Meal and party for the price of their gift (the amount of which is up to them!), so I'd say everyone is quits. Why this slavish culture? Sure face to face say thank you. But I'd rather small future grandchildren weren't tied down til they'd carved out thank you note for gifts I want to give!
But that's me

I do not feel the need for thank you notes. A verbal thankyou is enough.

You are being impatient, depending on the date it is unlikely they have had photos back and may only have come back from honeymoon4 weeks ago. To not sent is rude but please give them a little time. Depending on the social situation they saw you face to face the bride may not have perfect recall on all they were given therefore may not have wanted to thank you for incorrect gift, if nothing by feb, then is reasonable to be annoyed.

The people who expect thank you notes seem to be the same people who dislike cash being requested at weddings.

requested yes - you hardly send a bill to your guests. Having a honeymoon fund instead of a list in a department store is absolutely fine. It's not an order, it's just directing guests to get something the couple actually need and want instead of a pile of unwanted tat.
I love wedding lists, makes my life so much easier!

My 5 year old get thank you cards after every single birthday party where they gave a gift.. if children can manage from pretty much reception, adults should be able to gather the energy to have some basic manners. It doesn't take 6 months to get 1 photo if you must put one on your cards!

We're still waiting on one from August 2018..... That's rude!

I raise you July 2017!

I do agree with PP that wedding thank yous can sometimes take a bit longer (we waited for official wedding photos as we wanted the cards to have one on) so if the wedding was November then I think there's still time... but I'd say three months is an acceptable timeframe, personally.

@greenlavender Reign it in, there's no need to get pissy. The money thing is changing, very obviously. You may think it's rude to ask, others don't. I personally couldn't care less if someone thanks me or not, particularly when it comes to sending an actual card when they are obviously busy with the honeymoon, maybe moving house, beginning married life, I just wish them well.

@flowery Maybe read the post and the rest of the thread to see that, yes, it has been touched on. Or also just feel free not to comment if your entire purpose is just to be sneery.

Funnily enough, after reading this thread, I'd feel quite awkward receiving a thank you card because it's clear that people only do them out of some perceived obligation to show that they're grateful within an appropriate time. How am I supposed to know if a thank you card is sincere or whether you've just done it because you felt you had to?

He deserves some time off to do his hobby. Fix the fence yourself.

Been to four weddings this year. 100 given at each. Not one thank you note.

Prior to that I went to a wedding I got a thank you post card - picture of the couple on wedding day on front and a generic printed message on back. Felt a bit lacking a personal touch but least it was an acknowledgement!

Its incredibly rude and I feel your frustration OP. I remember giving money to my cousin on his wedding. I gave what I could afford which wasn't much but I do know that most guest gave much more than I did. I never recieved a thank you note even though everyone else did 🤷‍♀️

@lilypoppet I got married early October and didn't send thank you cards out til early December. Etiquette is within 3 months. A bit strange she didn't say anything in person when she saw you though...

• to add for Vulpine's sake, I haven't had a verbal thank you either for the four weddings this year. If I had, don't think I'd have noticed the lack of thank you card.

”flowery Maybe read the post and the rest of the thread to see that, yes, it has been touched on. Or also just feel free not to comment if your entire purpose is just to be sneery.”

Um, I think maybe it’s you who needs to be reading the thread! I’m one of the not-particularly-many people who have objected to money being asked for and I haven’t given any opinion about thank you notes at all, neither have I said asking for presents is ok. I can’t see a post where someone has said asking for gifts is fine. As far as I can see, there are two concepts being discussed- thank yous and asking for cash.

And I assume if saying something someone has said is weird counts as being deliberately “sneery” then you think that’s an ok thing to be, as you did it first, and about non-existent posts rather than something specific.

I assume a nerve has been touched and you asked your wedding guests for cash or something. Well, if that’s the case, a bit of awareness about how that might have been viewed can’t be a bad thing imo.

Repeating the last bit of my post from last night, as I'm interested to see responses.

May I ask those who hand-wrote thank you cards and married men, did they write half the cards? I ask because I've never heard men talk about how rude it is to not send thank you cards in a timely fashion, only my MIL women.