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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't get a thank you note AIBU

251 replies

lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 13:21

Might have to leave a few details out, because it's a bit sensitive. I went to a family wedding and gave £50 on the wedding list website towards the honeymoon; other members of the family gave money as well. I didn't receive a thank you note. I have recently seen the bride and she didn't even thank me personally. I noted that she sent thank you cards to her bridesmaids, but not to the more general guests. I thought that was terribly rude. But perhaps these days brides don't thank everyone? AIBU?

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 28/12/2019 15:54

@WorldsOnFire

If you went on a 4 week honey moon, surely the following 2 months is plenty to send out thank yous? How could it take more than a day? To note down what everyone sent and write out the notes? I don't really mind getting them late but I'm a bit bemused at how it's considered a large military operation.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 15:56

"Things have changed. When I got married, thank you cards are expected, and sent out within a couple of weeks.
Now it takes months while the bride and groom wait for photos and personalised cards to be made."

I would rather just have a nice card than a picture of the bride and groom to be honest. That's what I did and I'm in my 30s!

ALLMYSmellySocks · 28/12/2019 15:57

@BoxedWine Seriously? No one will be offended or annoyed to receive a thank you (and I never said it had to be a card although they're nice). Some people might not mind either way but plenty of people do mind and will be upset not to. Therefore you should obviously send cards (or some other genuine thank you) to everyone since 90% of your guests will be pleased to get them and annoyed not to.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 15:59

Lots of younger people would be offended to get a thank you card. Just like Christmas cards, lots don’t want them because of the waste.

CripsSandwiches · 28/12/2019 16:01

@BoxedWine Goodness me you're very bitter about thanking people who have taken time out of their lives to celebrate with you on top of generous gifts. Most people prefer to get a card as it can be put up and looks nice but another method of thanks would be OK I guess as long as it felt genuine. A text to say "thanks for the gift" would be fairly inadequate.

RuggerHug · 28/12/2019 16:02

worldsonfire no you should have them done at the latest 3 months from the wedding. You'd 4 weeks away, even if you did 10 a day when you got back you had time.

Gerryatric · 28/12/2019 16:03

@DisorganisedOrganiser Very few would be offended the waste is fairly minimal compared to hundreds of people driving across the country to actually attend the wedding, the meat consumed there, the flowers shipped around, the mass produced clothes bought for the occasion. If you're concerned about waste though do something else by all means (phone up and thank them for example) but for a big event gift it has to be a little bit thoughtful.

NemophilistRebel · 28/12/2019 16:04

I didn’t send thank you notes after our wedding.
We came home to a flood after honeymoon and 6 months of insurance repair work was hell on earth

By the time I had the mind space to think about it DH and I decided enough time had passed

I’m sure people thought we were rude as lots didn’t know about the flood

flowery · 28/12/2019 16:05

”I hope she didn't think the amount l gave didn't cover the meal etc”

Eh? Were you asked to pay for your meal?

yesterdayhasgone · 28/12/2019 16:06

Or did you only give because you wanted recognition?

Why the hell shouldn’t she get recognition of a £50 gift.

namechangetheworld · 28/12/2019 16:09

Definitely rude. I would have probably sent out thank you cards in with the Christmas cards because I'm cheap

Lweji · 28/12/2019 16:12

Do people actually worry for months about thank you notes?
It's not something I'd even give a second thought.

I thought it was only in comedy series.

pissedoffwithprojects · 28/12/2019 16:13

One of our guests got his Mum to complain to us that he hadn't received a thank you card 10 days after our wedding. We later attended their wedding. I'm still waiting for a thank you card. It's been 9 years. I'm not bitter!!

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 28/12/2019 16:15

One of our guests got his Mum to complain to us that he hadn't received a thank you card 10 days after our wedding. We later attended their wedding. I'm still waiting for a thank you card. It's been 9 years. I'm not bitter!!

I think we can all agree that 10 days is ridiculous - weren't you still on your honeymoon?

thecatsthecats · 28/12/2019 16:15

Why do you say in your op that perhaps brides don’t thank everyone rather than the couple? Why should it be down to just the bride?

This in spades.

I did my half of my November 18 wedding thank yous in March 19. My husband hasn't done his half yet.

It would have taken longer had I had to do his share too.

If his side of friends and family think less of me for his (lack of) actions, then frankly I don't care for their misogynistic opinions. It's not my responsibility to handle his social relationships because I have a vagina.

Durgasarrow · 28/12/2019 16:15

Thank yous can take months.

pissedoffwithprojects · 28/12/2019 16:18

Fred Flintstone - we were just back! People's expectations can be ludicrous!!

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/12/2019 16:19

We didn’t get our photos for 12 weeks so didn’t do thank you cards until after that

Why couldn’t you send thank you cards until after your photos have arrived? There’s absolutely no connection.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/12/2019 16:22

I wouldn't expect a thank you note, honestly, it's a pain in the ass to write them all.

Presumably not a pain in the arse to grab the gift though? People have no manners these days.

MamToTeens · 28/12/2019 16:22

At my brother’s wedding, the DC got thank you cards on the day as they were bridesmaids (all the kids had goodie bags to keep them entertained during the speeches and they were in there), but I never got one. I didn’t think it was rude. Loads of guests, too many to give cards to everyone.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 16:22

"Lots of younger people would be offended to get a thank you card. "

Rubbish. Offended?? 😂

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:22

How many times do people need it explained that people wait for their photos so they can send thank you cards with the photos on it?!

I actually do think there should be some kind of donation box at the entrance to weddings etc. A wedding can easily cost 20k plus.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 16:23

"How many times do people need it explained that people wait for their photos so they can send thank you cards with the photos on it?!"

Lots of people don't care about getting a pic of the bride and groom. A simple thank you card is enough.

flowery · 28/12/2019 16:23

”if we received a ordinary stationary thank you note We’d comment they didn’t bother making any effort with the thank you card”

You can’t be serious? You get judgy about what’s on a thank you card? How high maintenance are you?!

“It absolutely is! [ a way of scrabbling back wedding costs] ....I had a much more lavish wedding than I wanted due to family pressure from both sides. It’s not always the B&G driving the decisions.”

More fool you then. If family are putting pressure on you to have a bigger wedding than you can afford, you either say “No, we can’t afford it”, or you request that if they really want you to do something you can’t afford, they contribute. What you don’t do is rely on guests to make up the difference. How tacky.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 16:24

Ginger, my kids are at the stage of wanting to send Christmas cards to everyone they have ever met and all their school friends. I felt a huge amount of judgement for that because of the paper waste. School received loads of complaints from parents about the use of cards. Playground gossip is they are considering banning it next year. So yes, people can be offended by cards.

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