Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't get a thank you note AIBU

251 replies

lilypoppet · 28/12/2019 13:21

Might have to leave a few details out, because it's a bit sensitive. I went to a family wedding and gave £50 on the wedding list website towards the honeymoon; other members of the family gave money as well. I didn't receive a thank you note. I have recently seen the bride and she didn't even thank me personally. I noted that she sent thank you cards to her bridesmaids, but not to the more general guests. I thought that was terribly rude. But perhaps these days brides don't thank everyone? AIBU?

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 28/12/2019 15:13

Very rude and grabby. Doesn’t take two seconds to send a text saying thank you, I’d be pissed off with them personally.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 28/12/2019 15:13

The gift isn’t some way of scrabbling back the wedding costs.

It absolutely is! I always try to give cash if that is an option as a wedding gift as I know how broke people are after a wedding. I had a much more lavish wedding than I wanted due to family pressure from both sides. It’s not always the B&G driving the decisions.

For the record I would always send thank you cards. I certainly wouldn’t expect to receive them and certainly not a month later when it has also been Christmas Hmm.

IamFriedSpam · 28/12/2019 15:16

@BoxedWine

OP specifically said she hasn't thanked her at all. No phone call, no WhatsApp nothing. I'm all for doing your bit for the environment by not posting but you need to acknowledge a gift. It's very basic manners.

sending a thank you note certainly doesn't imply gratitude. Especially not if it's the expectation

Not sending one certainly implies lack of gratitude. Look at this thread - lots of people feel taken for granted if they don't get a thank you for their gift. Therefore clearly there is a point to bothering to do it. At least by sending the note you're sufficiently grateful to take the two minutes out of your day to acknowledge it.

By your logic why should I thank someone for doing anything? Holding open a door? Just barge through and get on with my day. Nice gesture? Just accept it and say nothing. Why bother saying please either?

Stressmess · 28/12/2019 15:17

I went to a wedding last Christmas and gave them £100 as a gift. The wedding was in the middle of the week and I ended up taking two days of work to attend. I was waiting on a thank you card in the post and never heard anything from them at all.

Again I attended a wedding in July and again bought a generous gift. Again never heard anything from them either.

After our wedding I personally wrote to everyone who attended thanking them for what they had bought. Even a general card would be better than none. Yes I agree people are rude now.

PopCakes · 28/12/2019 15:22

@DisorganisedOrganiser

I always give cash too but it absolutely shouldn't be a way of recouping wedding costs - what kind of show off has a wedding they can't afford with the expectation of just paying back debts with the cash gifts?! You should have a wedding you can afford and view any gifts you receive as a lovely bonus.

If someone chooses to have an upmarket wedding that's their business the guests shouldn't have to incur the extra costs without so much as a thank you!

BoxedWine · 28/12/2019 15:24

That's correct friedspam but the post of mine you first quoted was agreeing with a post specifically referencing thank you letters, not defending the bride. Don't conflate the two.

And no, not sending one doesn't imply lack of gratitude. That's just incorrect. By that logic, someone could've thanked the giver a dozen different times in a variety of ways but because one of them wasn't a card, somehow that becomes definitive. Ridiculous. As for the responses on this thread, all they prove is that some people are daft. Like your door comment.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/12/2019 15:25

Ours took a couple of months because we were on honeymoon and then waited for a nice group photograph from the photographer to send. You should expect something in the new year I'd imagine

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 15:27

"I just find them really outdated and pointless."

It's not pointless to say thank you for a gift 🙄

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/12/2019 15:28

Oh and we sent than yous to all guests, the ones who gave a gift we mentioned it specifically, but it's time and expense for any wedding guest to attend and that should be noted.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 15:30

"I always try to give cash if that is an option as a wedding gift as I know how broke people are after a wedding. I had a much more lavish wedding than I wanted due to family pressure from both sides. It’s not always the B&G driving the decisions."

If you paid for it yourself then more fool you for not standing up for what you could afford. A wedding gift should not be given to recompense the couple for the cost of inviting guests.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 28/12/2019 15:31

@BoxedWine

Wow you sound lovely! People who give generous gifts and would like a thank you are just daft because they feel differently to you. With that attitude you won't have many friends left to send gifts. It's completely normal to want a thank you for a gift.It's not pointless because it makes the person receiving it feel nice and if you don't do it they feel taken advantage of. No doubt you wouldn't care about other people's feelings because they're all just "daft" compared to you!

girlygirl98 · 28/12/2019 15:32

I got married in December and we didn't get the pro pics back until March. I was waiting on them because I wanted to make photo thank you cards

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 28/12/2019 15:33

Some people will probably start billing their guests for the honour of attending their wedding. Maybe including an hourly rate for the time they spent organising it too. Why stop at breaking even - why shouldn't the bridge and groom profit from it too?

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 15:34

I'd give them more time, but if they dont - then yes, its rude and grabby.

You adhered to all the expectations they had of you- you bought a gift, got dressed up, travelled to the venue, perhaps stayed overnight, possibly got a childminder, stayed with them to celebrate the occasion. They can't even be arsed to say thanks? very poor.

WorldsOnFire · 28/12/2019 15:34

😂😂😂

You have at least 3 months to get wedding thank you cards out!!

Jeez, DH and I went on a 4 week honeymoon, should have been writing cards in our hotel room? 😂
We went to several friends weddings last year and the earliest thank you card took about 6 weeks from the ceremony. Others were much longer.

MirandaWest · 28/12/2019 15:35

We sent our thank you cards a couple of months after we got married. I did feel we did take a little long Blush

TeaKeepsMeSane · 28/12/2019 15:38

Maybe a little unreasonable. You were invited to the wedding - so must be important to them. And you went - so they must be important to you. Isn't that enough? It wouldn't bother me in the slightest whether or not i received official acknowledgement of my generosity/ attendance. Life is too short and we should all avoid taking offence wherever possible.

Stayingstrong24 · 28/12/2019 15:39

It's always nice to have a brief thank you/ acknowledgement that the gift has been gratefully received.
Personally I don't feel comfortable about receiving any gift until I have thanked the person either by text, phone call, email or in person.
Once I have thanked them I feel more at ease.

Butterfly84 · 28/12/2019 15:39

It's very rude and grabby not to have said thank you to you when she saw you face-to-face.

£50 may not be a massive amount but it is still your hard earned money that you chose to gift her. You didn't have to. And if every guest gve £50, that would have added up to a hell of a lot.

She may well be arranging thank you cards but there's no excuse not to thank you when she saw you.

Arthritica · 28/12/2019 15:40

Cards seem a bit antiquated. A text thanking you does the same job.

Ohyesiam · 28/12/2019 15:43

Got married at the beginning of the summer holiday last year, and had written to thank people by about mid September. It was quite an informal wedding, and I think things take longer sometimes with a more formal set up.

Steenac72 · 28/12/2019 15:43

@Liverbird77 it’s funny, if we received a ordinary stationary thank you note We’d comment they didn’t bother making any effort with the thank you card. We’re used to a photo personalised thank you card a few months down the line. I’ve been to weddings in September and October this year and wouldn’t be expecting a thank you card until March/April. Waiting for photos to come back, Christmas and time to sit down and write them all out makes this a normal timeline in my opinion.

saraclara · 28/12/2019 15:49

Things have changed. When I got married, thank you cards are expected, and sent out within a couple of weeks.
Now it takes months while the bride and groom wait for photos and personalised cards to be made.

The latter was my daughters plan, but I had to explain to her that the older generation don't realise this. I was fielding messages from older relatives and friends saying "did S get our gift okay, because we haven't heard anything" ( Reasonable also because gifts were left on a gift table at the reception rather than handed to the couple in most cases, so there was a chance that they could go missing)

In the end my daughter sent people a more simple thank you card to people after I started getting embarrassed by the messages. In that card she promised then a more personal card when the photos arrived.

Talulahbeige · 28/12/2019 15:50

It once took nearly 6mths for me to get one after a wedding. They were waiting for wedding photos, then for personalised cards printing up and then writing them.

BoxedWine · 28/12/2019 15:52

As I've pointed out already smellysocks, not caring for one specific method of thanking doesn't mean not thanking at all. That's a bizarre assumption.

Also, receiving thank you cards doesn't necessarily make the recipient feel nice either. Plenty of people don't care and just throw them in the bin, some would actively have preferred you not to. You're attributing your feelings to everyone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread