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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!

251 replies

Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 21:32

long time lurker here!!

Married , 4 small kids and have known my marriage is over with some time! I just look at my DH and know there is nothing to fight for anymore.

I'm miserable, he is miserable although he hasn't admitted this. no affair from either of us BUT his actions in the last 3 years has been shocking. no domestic violence or anything but just a refusal to contribute to the house be it financially or just being present! lights on nobody is home shit!

I went to college so was entitled to education allowances etc. since then his earning has remained firmly in his pocket! why would he need to give me money when I have my own! money greedy he said I am.

so I pay our mortgage, loan for his motorbike purchased 3 years ago costing 15k without consulting me, pay all Bill's, shop for 6 of us and cover all costs involved with kids. be it educational or recreational.

the straw that has broke the camels back??? he informed me his dad was with us for xmas, no problem i like the man. so just asked for a little help with costs of xmas, 4x santa 17 nieces and nephews 13 being on his side but i see them as my family so no regrets in getting them gifts and the xmas food shop. He gave me 200£. he earns in the region of 1000 a week. I am training so get 450 per week.

this has been an ongoing argument in our house with months. if the kids ask him to assist with anything even down to toilet trips, twins are 3.5 so just toilet trained it's a huge deal where is mummy etc!

I need to go bed shopping while off work so said I would go tomorrow and he watch the kids, he firmly informed me no he wasnt minding them I could bring them with me and make sure I had money for beds as he wouldnt be paying toward them.

I just feel my life while if would be hard would be alot more manageable with just the 4 kids to mind as I manage all drops and collections and working full time without any input from him except negative input.

OP posts:
scubadive · 27/12/2019 23:50

Never ever pay his bank loan again, he could pay his
Own off with all his cash.

He is disgusting letting you pay this out of your education grant.

He is disgusting nit paying towards his kids, tell him straight he needs to give you money towards the children’s food and clothing, they are hiss too. He is the geeedy one not paying his share.

Then divorce ASAP and child and spousal maintenance through the courts. Photocopy all bank statements from the joint account, mortgage statements etc, everything and then get them out of the house.

MsPepperPotts · 27/12/2019 23:55

He's lost control of the situation now that you have independence and are working.
You absolutely do not have to put up with this abusive man's behaviour and hopefully you have plenty of support from family to help you get through this tough time.
Just realised you're in Ireland OP so him paying child support is a different system than the UK.
Whichever way you can start the ball rolling by separating your finances
and getting your ducks in a row... Flowers

Saxifraga · 27/12/2019 23:57

Good luck op. Definitely agree with other previous posters who say to organise your bank accounts etc first before you tell him.

Hollyhobbi · 28/12/2019 00:06

I'm in Ireland too mammy2four. Women's Aid have been fantastic to me. I'm only sorry I didn't contact them sooner but like you I wasn't being physically abused. I spent nearly €40,000 on getting Legally separated and divorced. I was lucky ( or unlucky) enough to have a full time job and my mother gave me some money that she inherited from the sale of my late Granny's house. I didn't qualify for legal aid. But Women's Aid would have helped me for free if I had been in contact with them at the time. In fact I got further with WA than with a barrister and the two solicitors I had. My ex husband has been suing the first solicitor I had (hence me having to get another solicitor for the divorce) and the first solicitor he had, for nearly 6 years now. He hasn't worked or paid maintenance in years. He has at least 3 more cases in the High Court now and is suing the Legal Aid Board and the State because they won't give him anymore Legal Aid. The last time I was in Court WA came with me. I was dragged into the case because my ex was trying to reopen our divorce and one of the four Legal Aid Boards he was involved with was applying to the Court to come off record for him! He didn't even appear himself. Never likes to be told no! We were talking to the solicitor afterwards and she said she wasn't the solicitor who was dealing with him all along. That solicitor was off on stress related sick leave!! He even refused to sign our youngest dd passport form. The Judge asked him why he hadn't signed it even though there was an Order in our Divorce that he had to sign passport forms for our girls. He answered that he'd sign it next week! The Judge then made an Order dispensing with his signature altogether! And the Child Benefit is paid to every primary carer but stops when the child reaches 18. Which is a pain when they are only halfway through their last year of secondary school!

Hollyhobbi · 28/12/2019 00:07

Forgot to say the fecker cleared out our joint current account too!

PrettyPurpleFeather · 28/12/2019 00:09

As others have said get all the necessary paperwork ready & copied before formally ending the marriage. Copies of birth certificates, passports, savings, house deeds, mortgage docs, assets, payslips, Share certificates etc. Anything where you think he's stashed money away, follow the paper trail and make photocopies.

Secretly book to see a solicitor to book your options and don't tell him of your plans & preparations.

MulticolourMophead · 28/12/2019 00:19

OP, it doesn't matter where you are, just make sure you get some legal advice, including about the house.

We'll be here if you need to talk. Many of us have left a partner, and know what it's like, and you deserve better.

ballyboy · 28/12/2019 00:26

Wow what a prick...sounds like you do everything anyway. You will be better off without him as you will his loan money and his maintenance. Best of luck x your children will thank you for it when they are older

ItsMs · 28/12/2019 00:43

He's disgusting, leave him and sell his bike!

MyLamaDontLikeYou · 28/12/2019 00:53

I know it's easy for me to sit here and say leave him. But where will this all end if you stay together? Like others have said - get advice, get your ducks in a row and leave him. Trust me, I've been there (although didn't have kids at the time) and leaving/kicking him out was incredibly scary. But it is so liberating and my only regret is that I hadn't done it sooner. You deserve so much better, so do your kids. Thanks

lisag1969 · 28/12/2019 00:57

Tell him to pull his weight or get out. Also whether he goes or not cancel direct debit for his bike and set up one for his bank. His bike is for him personally. Nothing to do with family life. He can pay for it.
You be better of with out him and would probably get Tax credits ect. X

lisag1969 · 28/12/2019 01:03

Tell him then. If he's not contributing he can't stay. You don't have your own money it goes on bills and stuff he is the one who has his own money. Tell him 50 50 on everything for the house. And personal bills like cars, vans and insurance have to be paid by him you will pay your own personal bills.
Tell him if he doesn't like it he must go.
He is not bringing anything to this marriage except misery. People only do to you what you allow them to and you are allowing it. X

lisag1969 · 28/12/2019 01:07

I'd take all the money from his wallet and throw him out the door. He is taking the piss out of you. X

bridgetreilly · 28/12/2019 01:18

Before you do anything, get a bank account in your name only, and make sure all your income is sent to it. Then you can transfer the bill payments and so on (but not his bike loan!) to that and know that he won't be able to access it.

TheChiefJo · 28/12/2019 01:34

Drop him immediately. It might seem scary, but honestly the home and finances will improve if you do.

If you won't drop him completely, please consider dropping the payments for his motorbike and any other expensive nonessentials that are solely his.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2019 01:42

Mammy2four get all the legal advice you can and do what is best for you and the kids. This sounds very tough and his behaviour is very bad.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2019 02:37

YW only BU to start this conversation with your husband now because you haven't had any proper legal advice yet.
So hold fire until you have spoken to a solicitor and make sure that your money in your account is safe - if it's in a joint account then create your own account as soon as you can and transfer your income to that account. Otherwise you run the risk of him taking whatever money is in a joint account.

He is completely financially abusing you and I would think he is actually planning his own exit route which is why he has all that cash stashed in his wallet. If I were you I'd photograph that because you can guarantee that he's going to hide it and pretend he's penniless as soon as you tell him it's over.

I also agree with every other poster saying that you'd be SO much better off without this deadweight user. He brings nothing to your family, not even money - but get everything in order before you tell him he's out.

Do you have any brothers, or is your dad still around? I'd have them by you when you tell him it's over, just in case he kicks off.

Also, once you're out of your marriage, you can (if you choose) stop paying out to his family, which will also be a huge saving for you around Christmas and birthdays.

It's easy to see how wrong it is when everyone else points it out to you, and it would probably be equally easy to see if it was a friend of yours in this situation - but when you're living it, it's like boiling a frog - you don't notice it getting steadily worse and worse until you're at breaking point.

You're there now.

Also, as your kids get older, don't try and hide from them just how shit their father is. I don't mean bag him out to them - that's wrong - but don't sugar coat him either, don't make out he's a fantastic father (he's REALLY not), just let them understand that he's a flawed human being who couldn't do the right thing all the time (or whatever words work for you). It often helps kids to have better perspective and not take the blame all onto themselves, if they realise that their father isn't a paragon early on.

Good luck - get to a solicitor as soon as you ever can (I know it's hard without money), go via Women's Aid if you can't afford it yourself, and then tell him to get the hell out.

spingly · 28/12/2019 03:30

Totally LTB, but how the hell do you get your money to stretch so far!

Seahorseshoe · 28/12/2019 04:41

Oh no. You really need to get rid, you deserve so much more in a relationship. Do it while you're young, don't look back and realise, you've wasted 20/30/40 years with him. You only live once. You deserve to be in a partnership, where he contributes his time/energy/money.

kateandme · 28/12/2019 05:29

how often does he use or look at the bank account.because you can open your own tomorrow,now probably! so i would do that as a matter of urgency.and either start diverting all money into there and if you can and he wont notice take all from your current account too.
if not at least get it set up so that the day you are going to tell him before you do transfer all money then.
also try and make it a day youve had access to his wallet and taken your fair share from there too.
my guess is he doesnt want it in the account so it cant be counted or taken by you.this man seems to be a master at making sure he has all the money.and every bugger else he wants!

NearlyGranny · 28/12/2019 05:53

Ah, the marital joint account; the abuser's friend! What's his is his and what's yours is his, too.

Open a separate account, ideally in a different bank, in your sole name and re-direct your payments to it. Password your phone and computer and don't write down your new PIN anywhere. Then tell him you'll be transferring half of the mortgage and bills amount in future and nothing more. Unless he forged your signature on the loan application for his bike, you are not liable and can stop paying for it.

Shesalittlemadam · 28/12/2019 06:05

Whoa! This is genuinely* the WORST* case of financial (& emotional) abuse I've ever read about - not just on Mumsnet.

So you pay for EVERYTHING and he pays for nothing?
You do everything for the kids and he does nothing?
The kids need beds and he refuses to contribute? Towards beds for his OWN children????? Why???

Get yourself and your kids out. Then get a CMS case started. You'll get a sizeable chunk

Apolloanddaphne · 28/12/2019 06:10

This isn't a marriage. Marriages are about sharing and pulling together as a family. Your DH is treating you as unpaid staff to look after his children and home. Please get rid of him then claim maintenance for your children.

BlackSwan · 28/12/2019 06:18

Parasite. Get rid.

Shesalittlemadam · 28/12/2019 06:21

Op please don't wait until next week, you'll end up chickening out - just kick him out or go!!!!

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