To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!

[Mammy2four]

long time lurker here!!

Married , 4 small kids and have known my marriage is over with some time! I just look at my DH and know there is nothing to fight for anymore.

I'm miserable, he is miserable although he hasn't admitted this. no affair from either of us BUT his actions in the last 3 years has been shocking. no domestic violence or anything but just a refusal to contribute to the house be it financially or just being present! lights on nobody is home shit!

I went to college so was entitled to education allowances etc. since then his earning has remained firmly in his pocket! why would he need to give me money when I have my own! money greedy he said I am.

so I pay our mortgage, loan for his motorbike purchased 3 years ago costing 15k without consulting me, pay all Bill's, shop for 6 of us and cover all costs involved with kids. be it educational or recreational.

the straw that has broke the camels back??? he informed me his dad was with us for xmas, no problem i like the man. so just asked for a little help with costs of xmas, 4x santa 17 nieces and nephews 13 being on his side but i see them as my family so no regrets in getting them gifts and the xmas food shop. He gave me 200£. he earns in the region of 1000 a week. I am training so get 450 per week.

this has been an ongoing argument in our house with months. if the kids ask him to assist with anything even down to toilet trips, twins are 3.5 so just toilet trained it's a huge deal where is mummy etc!

I need to go bed shopping while off work so said I would go tomorrow and he watch the kids, he firmly informed me no he wasnt minding them I could bring them with me and make sure I had money for beds as he wouldnt be paying toward them.

I just feel my life while if would be hard would be alot more manageable with just the 4 kids to mind as I manage all drops and collections and working full time without any input from him except negative input.

Well, you’ve not mentioned where ‘here’ is, he is hiding money earner by the sounds of it-leave him. It’s a no brainer

I bet that he has all the money in his wallet so that it magically disappears when you are sorting out assets during a divorce.

it started when I went back to college to retrain the twins were about 10 months old at that stage I was given an education grant and free childcare in a creche for 2 years to complete my studies. up until that point I was reliant on him completely so I got some independence back maybe? we have been together a long time and it was never am issue until the last 3 years. I can see some people dont believe me but that's how it is. I'm not goig to make this up just to post on an online website. I live in Ireland galway to be precise I am aware our benefits differ from the uk as my brother is living in the uk

I didnt realise this is mainly a UK web page for people. I will remove my post. tha k you for all advise given I will hold out till new year and make the changes needed then

Please don’t remove your post, OP. Everyone is welcome here, whether you’re in the UK or not.

Cancel all direct debits that are not in your name and do not affect you and the kids. Pack his bags and tell him to fuck off...freeloading arsehole.

You will be better off without him and obviously be a lot happier.

Good Luck x

Talk to womens aid

Talk to a solicitor

Sort everything out, then kick him out.

He sounds like the sort of person who won't leave easily so deffo get all legal advice and etc sorted first.

Also well do e your amazing already , and you and the kids will be even better off once he has left

This story is so eerily similar to when I was married to the DCs father many years ago.
Do not speak to him or tell him anything before you do the following.....

Open your own bank account tomorrow...check on what you need to take with you.
Transfer all your money out of the account.
Take some of the money from his wallet and deposit it in your new account....add up all payments you have made for him since you got paid and take the equivalent money.
Then on monday contact CMS and tell them you are separated and you need to explain how he is not providing anything for the children.

Get rid! You already doing everything on your own, you might as well be alone and happy and know everything falls on you without any expectations from your "D"H

Don’t forget to get your half of his savings!!

You must be in the Republic of Ireland OP as the €140 per child is a universal payment paid to all mothers and step mothers (or fathers/carers where the mother isn't around) regardless of income. So there's no benefit fraud going on here

That must be so frustrating for you.

At least you've seen the light now. Like others have said seek advice and support. You can escape this financial abuse.

Galway women's aid

@Claphands thanks for that, obviously it's a no brainer I had established that but when you are in my situation it's not so black and white as a no brainer. I've stayed as i thought it was the best thing to do for my children not because I hadn't realised it was a no brainer to leave.

I am blown away by all of your lovely comments showing g that this isnt normal behaviour and have decided to hold out until next week once festivities are over and kids are back to school.

My god, he is taking you for a massive ride!

Cancel bike payments. Transfer all joint account money to a new account which any money you get goes into.

Take copies of his salary slips if possible. Give birth certificates to a trustworthy friend/family member.

Tell cms or equivalent you’ve split up and apply for maintenance.

You poor woman. He’s effectively checked out of family life and refusing to feed his own children.

@Claphands, I think the op is in Ireland where entitlements are different, child benefit is a universal payment.
Mammy2four, your husband is financially and emotionally abusive. This sounds like my parent’s marriage and it took my mother years to leave my father. You and your kids deserve better. You will get lots of support and good advice here.
If it’s safe for you to hold on for a few weeks, I’d wait until January for the kids. But start planning now for a 2020 where you are living a life free of abuse. Good luck.

I have 4 children too and am in Ireland and get the same. Bono also got the same for his kids!
I'm sorry to hear all this mummy24. Sounds like you just need a bit of confidence to get rid, hope you have support

Erm, wrong thread

Why is his wallet full of cash?

Damn wish I got my child benefit. Husband earns too much. I receive it and can’t spend it. I don’t work anymore.
It’s paid back in tax.
Yet if we both earned, under the threshold each, we could have it. It’s laughable and unfair.

 @Macca84 what a great mispost! Exactly what thread are you on?!

OP it sounds like he could see he was losing control of you as you started to get some financial independence and so is using the cash now to try and regain that control. You say you were 16 when you got together? How old was he?

Ultimately you know you have to LTB. You'll be much better off without him. Emotionally and financially!

Child benefit in Ireland for 4 children including a set of twins is €700 not €560.

The OP must be the only mother of twins in Ireland not to have noticed that the payment for twins is automatically 50% higher than for single children.

How does he bring home 1000 a week? (Interested in earning money here!)

@GoGoJo a lighthearted one in chat asking if you'd cheat on a desert island Really sorry to OP, I swear I posted on the right thread! I've reported and asked MN to remove my post 🤦‍♀️

OP, do get legal and financial advice, or he might be able to claim yet more money from you. I'm taking it for granted you're going to divorce him, the sooner the better! Just make sure he doesn't get away with anything more.