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Original poster

To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!

251 replies

Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 21:32

long time lurker here!!

Married , 4 small kids and have known my marriage is over with some time! I just look at my DH and know there is nothing to fight for anymore.

I'm miserable, he is miserable although he hasn't admitted this. no affair from either of us BUT his actions in the last 3 years has been shocking. no domestic violence or anything but just a refusal to contribute to the house be it financially or just being present! lights on nobody is home shit!

I went to college so was entitled to education allowances etc. since then his earning has remained firmly in his pocket! why would he need to give me money when I have my own! money greedy he said I am.

so I pay our mortgage, loan for his motorbike purchased 3 years ago costing 15k without consulting me, pay all Bill's, shop for 6 of us and cover all costs involved with kids. be it educational or recreational.

the straw that has broke the camels back??? he informed me his dad was with us for xmas, no problem i like the man. so just asked for a little help with costs of xmas, 4x santa 17 nieces and nephews 13 being on his side but i see them as my family so no regrets in getting them gifts and the xmas food shop. He gave me 200£. he earns in the region of 1000 a week. I am training so get 450 per week.

this has been an ongoing argument in our house with months. if the kids ask him to assist with anything even down to toilet trips, twins are 3.5 so just toilet trained it's a huge deal where is mummy etc!

I need to go bed shopping while off work so said I would go tomorrow and he watch the kids, he firmly informed me no he wasnt minding them I could bring them with me and make sure I had money for beds as he wouldnt be paying toward them.

I just feel my life while if would be hard would be alot more manageable with just the 4 kids to mind as I manage all drops and collections and working full time without any input from him except negative input.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/12/2019 22:52

KICK HIM OUT PLEEEEEAAASE Flowers

catmam · 27/12/2019 22:54

OP I really do sympathise with you and it happen in other homes so you're not alone. I haven't been able to work since DC were born due to ill health. I rely on child benefit, tax credit and disability allowance. DH works for family company and recently complained about having to pay mortgage and rates (approx £500 per month in total). I have to pay broadband, 4 mobile phone contacts (my own plus 3DC), insurance, diesel, TV licence, groceries, all school activities/trips including ski/educational trips abroad, clothes, shoes, uniforms. We've never had a family holiday. I have never received anything extra to pay towards Christmas presents or food. I truly thinks he still believes that there's a Santa's grotto with elves making all the toys!

Riv · 27/12/2019 22:54

Ducks in a row first! eg: Is it a joint account that only your salary goes in to but all bills, including his, go out of?
If so open another account and pay your salary into it and move all the bills in your name over to the new account. Then take your name off the old account (tell the bank you are separating from your partner so that they know why you are doing it and don’t chase you for unpaid bills in his name) make sure you keep evidence that you have been solely responsible for the mortgage for the last however long.
I’m sure there are others on here who can add good practical advice from experience.

MirkwoodMiss · 27/12/2019 22:55

Please get some legal advice. I feel that at the moment, if you confronted him, he may talk you down. Find out where you stand, legally. Forewarned is forearmed. Citizens Advice Bureau may be a good starting point.
Good for you for not wanting to put up with this shit any longer.

MadeForThis · 27/12/2019 22:57

Cancel any loans or insurance payments that aren't in your name. You'll be better off without him. File a cms claim.

incognitomum · 27/12/2019 22:59

So what have you gleaned from all this advice OP?

formerbabe · 27/12/2019 23:03

So, he pays for nothing?! Shock What on earth is he doing with his wages?

This is one of the most shocking things I have ever read on here. He literally expects to live for nothing. Just unbelievable.

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 23:04

@incognitomum I have learned I'm a door mat and a fool

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 27/12/2019 23:04

So you'd be £240 a month better off straight away plus the maint on top. If it's in his name just stop paying

Janeanne60 · 27/12/2019 23:06

Sweetheart. The man is a shit. He's almost trying to get thrown out. You're not alone; demand for rented accommodation is huge in January after the stress of the Christmas season.
However, it's probably best to avoid a break up until after the New Year...I only say this because he's going to throw it straight back at you...and you're exhausted atm. Plus, he'll get the kids involved, and then he'll bring it up...Mummy ruined Christmas etc.
You need to hold on. You need to ask for help...friends, abuse charities, family. Get your ducks lined up. Secure your money. Plan childcare so that you can still work. I think you might be surprised how much support you will have. The children will be better off in the long run. Get through Christmas....get your arrangements made....and, perhaps with a friend in the next room, explain to him that it's over. Don't shout. Don't do it alone. This man is no good....and he might get violent. You deserve better. Have a hug. xxx

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 23:06

You’ve got nothing to by dumping this arsehole.

LemonPrism · 27/12/2019 23:09

Wow. Financial and emotional abuse... how can he call you money hungry when you pay for everything? He won't pay towards BEDS??

I'm amazed you haven't buried the fucker

Claphands · 27/12/2019 23:09

Something doesn’t add up here, he earns £4K pm and you’re in social housing and in receipt of child benefit? There must be more to it than what you’ve said?

YouTheCat · 27/12/2019 23:11

£240 a month better off plus not paying for his food and heating costs.

As others have said, get all this sorted out first and then present it is a done deal. Tell your friends and family what a shit he is and how he doesn't pay anything towards his own living expenses nevermind his own kids.

Then chuck his arse out. Also speak to Women's Aid.

Chihaha · 27/12/2019 23:12

What's his excuse for you paying his personal bills?!

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 23:14

@Claphands, I had our first baby at 19 I was still in school. we got a rent to buy house then where we can buy it at a reduced rate from our council. it's not means tested it's an offer for first time buyers in social housing you buy the house from them, it's a 3 bed semi in a cul de sac of 10 houses in the county. I get child benefit of 140 per child per month as a given, that isnt means tested either you get it from the time the baby is born up till they turn 18. my child benefit is 560 per month regardless if I was homeless or a millionaire. the rich and the poor get it.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 27/12/2019 23:14

I'd be very interested in where his wages go as he appears to have no living costs....does he have any kind of addiction? Drugs? Gambling? Do his wages go to his own account? Is he squirreling it away or spending it?

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 23:15

upon investigation I didnt realise this is mainly a UK web page for people. I will remove my post. tha k you for all advise given I will hold out till new year and make the changes needed then

OP posts:
Claphands · 27/12/2019 23:16

No, child benefit is for earners of under £50k -you can claim if you earn more than that but pay tax on it.

FlamingoQueen · 27/12/2019 23:18

If he has thousands in his wallet and you have 64p, I would not want to be with a man that thought so little of me or his children. I do not see what benefit he brings to your life or that of your kids. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but I’d ditch him.

IHateWashingUp2 · 27/12/2019 23:19

Um, I get £137 every 4 weeks Child Benefit for TWO children, not one....

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 23:20

@Claphands child benefit is not a taxable source of income here, it is a rate of 140 per child for every child under 18 living in our country. it is non taxable and not counted as income

OP posts:
GinNsnowmen · 27/12/2019 23:21

Get rid

converseandjeans · 27/12/2019 23:22

Agree with everyone else. However not sure how you get rid of him? Did it start after twins born? Probably jealous you didn't have much free time for him.
What does he do with £4K a month? Is he having an affair?
You sound amazing keeping everything together.

MadeForThis · 27/12/2019 23:23

@Mammy2four

There's people from all over the world on MN. I'm guessing you are in Ireland? Don't let the fact that we all come from different areas stop you from getting advice. Lots of people can help and support.