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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!

251 replies

Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 21:32

long time lurker here!!

Married , 4 small kids and have known my marriage is over with some time! I just look at my DH and know there is nothing to fight for anymore.

I'm miserable, he is miserable although he hasn't admitted this. no affair from either of us BUT his actions in the last 3 years has been shocking. no domestic violence or anything but just a refusal to contribute to the house be it financially or just being present! lights on nobody is home shit!

I went to college so was entitled to education allowances etc. since then his earning has remained firmly in his pocket! why would he need to give me money when I have my own! money greedy he said I am.

so I pay our mortgage, loan for his motorbike purchased 3 years ago costing 15k without consulting me, pay all Bill's, shop for 6 of us and cover all costs involved with kids. be it educational or recreational.

the straw that has broke the camels back??? he informed me his dad was with us for xmas, no problem i like the man. so just asked for a little help with costs of xmas, 4x santa 17 nieces and nephews 13 being on his side but i see them as my family so no regrets in getting them gifts and the xmas food shop. He gave me 200£. he earns in the region of 1000 a week. I am training so get 450 per week.

this has been an ongoing argument in our house with months. if the kids ask him to assist with anything even down to toilet trips, twins are 3.5 so just toilet trained it's a huge deal where is mummy etc!

I need to go bed shopping while off work so said I would go tomorrow and he watch the kids, he firmly informed me no he wasnt minding them I could bring them with me and make sure I had money for beds as he wouldnt be paying toward them.

I just feel my life while if would be hard would be alot more manageable with just the 4 kids to mind as I manage all drops and collections and working full time without any input from him except negative input.

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/12/2019 21:46

So how is he not money greedy if he never pays anything???

Sushiroller · 27/12/2019 21:47

.

To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!
Ratbagcatbag · 27/12/2019 21:47

Get rid of him.

Start a new bank account tomorrow. Move wages that you get into there.
Move utilities you want to pay to your account. Remove your name from the other account and tell him you won't be paying his insurance etc anymore.

But please please leave. He's a waste of space. You'll feel so much happier going alone.

snowone · 27/12/2019 21:48

Just cancel the direct debits from your account. You need to leave him ASAP.

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 21:48

He says now that I'm working why would he give me his money. says it's very greedy of me having my own money and wanting his too. that I am money grabbing. I havnt paid his bike loan with 3 weeks so i know he will find that out. i didnt have the money for the 3 weeks in run up to xmas.

House is in both names but I would remain with the kids in this house. together since i was 16 so we are together 20 years married 4 years. But all changes has been in last 3 years

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/12/2019 21:48

This is not a marriage. A marriage is a loving, sharing partnership. The only thing he is loving is you paying for everything and doing everything. He isn't even a caring father! Kick him out and don,t worry about the kids not having a father cause they don't have one now.

MrsWhites · 27/12/2019 21:49

Drop him! At least you know you can cover the bills without him. Cancel the direct debits for his insurance etc and contact CMS for maintenance!

puds11 · 27/12/2019 21:50

Jesus Christ! Please get rid of him. And he is abusive, it’s called financial abuse.

elmosducks · 27/12/2019 21:50

Whaaaat? I am married with 4 young kids as well. Our money is our money. Joint account, family expenses and bills first and then any spare money we discuss.

But we share it .

Lose this deadweight.

Horehound · 27/12/2019 21:51

Meh. Get rid.

PooWillyBumBum · 27/12/2019 21:51

You’ll get more financial help if you drop him, plus you might manage to find a loving equal partner later down the line. Sounds awful, don’t put up with it and don’t let your kids grow up thinking this is how relationships are.

CookieDoughKid · 27/12/2019 21:52

Fucking hell. Drop him. You'd be better off financially and mentally. He provides absolutely nothing extra to your lives!!

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 21:53

Get rid. You’d be better off financially and emotionally.

Good luck. 2020 will be your year!

olympicsrock · 27/12/2019 21:53

Awful man - LTB

Danni12 · 27/12/2019 21:54

You deserve better, you truly do

Scarydinosaurs · 27/12/2019 21:55

How the fuck do you afford everything on just one wage??

Jambo1 · 27/12/2019 21:55

Spend a few days sorting out finances, consult a solicitor regarding staying in the house and getting him out etc then get rid.
Don't do anything until you have legal advice, he has as many rights as you to stay in the house.

MrsMozartMkII · 27/12/2019 21:56

Blinking heck lass!

Get out soonest.

TheTrollFairy · 27/12/2019 21:56

So he literally just adds stress to your life.
What does he mean money grabbing? How does he think these bills are being paid?

I would transfer the bills to a different account (as in your own) and stop paying into the joint account. Leave the DDs for the bike/van/his insurance in the joint account which has no money.

Also, he’s a twat

DecemberDays · 27/12/2019 21:58

Scarydinosaurs I wondered that too - but maybe the husband does at least pay some of the mortgage.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2019 21:58

I don't understand why you didn't just change the account the bills were coming from and not pay his bike loan ie related expenses.

He clearly adds nothing but misery to your life...make 2020 the year to get rid.

nestisflown · 27/12/2019 21:59

Yanbu in the slightest. You need to get rid of him yesterday!! Omg you have the patience of a saint to have put up with him for this long, horrible, useless man.

AnotherEmma · 27/12/2019 22:00

He is financially abusing you and you are letting him.
You need legal advice and ideally from a solicitor with experience of abuse (in your case, no physical violence but financial abuse and probably emotional as well - that's still abuse).
Try the rights of women family law helpline and your local women's aid.
Also if you have joint accounts I suggest that you close or freeze them and get your wages (and any child benefit etc) paid into your own bank account in your name only. Continue paying the mortgage and bills but stop paying his loans etc.
Do consider how he might react when you do this and consider your safety. Even though he has not been violent before he might surprise you. Obviously hope not but just be aware of it.

JoeysTurkey · 27/12/2019 22:00

What's the point of him?

He doesn't do childcare
He doesn't contribute financially
He doesn't contribute emotionally

I'm going to guess he doesn't contribute to chores, grocery shopping, kids appointments, cooking, satisfactory sex, affection or happiness.

So why do you need him? He just creates more mess, more expense and more unhappiness.

Saddler · 27/12/2019 22:00

You need to bin him immediately what a disgrace