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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!

251 replies

Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 21:32

long time lurker here!!

Married , 4 small kids and have known my marriage is over with some time! I just look at my DH and know there is nothing to fight for anymore.

I'm miserable, he is miserable although he hasn't admitted this. no affair from either of us BUT his actions in the last 3 years has been shocking. no domestic violence or anything but just a refusal to contribute to the house be it financially or just being present! lights on nobody is home shit!

I went to college so was entitled to education allowances etc. since then his earning has remained firmly in his pocket! why would he need to give me money when I have my own! money greedy he said I am.

so I pay our mortgage, loan for his motorbike purchased 3 years ago costing 15k without consulting me, pay all Bill's, shop for 6 of us and cover all costs involved with kids. be it educational or recreational.

the straw that has broke the camels back??? he informed me his dad was with us for xmas, no problem i like the man. so just asked for a little help with costs of xmas, 4x santa 17 nieces and nephews 13 being on his side but i see them as my family so no regrets in getting them gifts and the xmas food shop. He gave me 200£. he earns in the region of 1000 a week. I am training so get 450 per week.

this has been an ongoing argument in our house with months. if the kids ask him to assist with anything even down to toilet trips, twins are 3.5 so just toilet trained it's a huge deal where is mummy etc!

I need to go bed shopping while off work so said I would go tomorrow and he watch the kids, he firmly informed me no he wasnt minding them I could bring them with me and make sure I had money for beds as he wouldnt be paying toward them.

I just feel my life while if would be hard would be alot more manageable with just the 4 kids to mind as I manage all drops and collections and working full time without any input from him except negative input.

OP posts:
WizardOfAus · 27/12/2019 22:33

Fuck. Him. Off.

Yellow1c · 27/12/2019 22:34

Get him in the bin.

Wynston · 27/12/2019 22:34

My only concern would be any defaults on payments affecting youre credit rating.......i realise there is a much bigger picture here but im just hoping that going forward that you will be ok financially.
I think that you have done amazing to keep a roof over youre heads and food on the table.

Greenmarmalade · 27/12/2019 22:35

You are so capable of doing this alone. It’ll be so much easier and more fulfilling.

Brot64 · 27/12/2019 22:37

Interestingly despite all the leave him/kick him out comments you have mentioned nothing on it on your update. What is it you want from him or even advice wise? He has clearly told and shown you that he's an arse and you wouldn't be and shouldn't be getting/ expecting any help from him.

So what are you planning to do?

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 22:37

bike loan is in his name not mine but payments have been made from my account. dont know would this matter?

OP posts:
Sazquatch · 27/12/2019 22:38

Wow, he is a special kind of fucking awful. It is undoubtedly financial abuse. Please get rid of him, then get the CSA sorted out as soon as you can. You’ll be financially so much better off.

WeLovePeaSoup · 27/12/2019 22:39

Which part of the country are you in? I know a good divorce lawyer in the East of England. You would be better of if you leave him as he would have to pay for the kids.

PositiveVibes11 · 27/12/2019 22:39

My first LTB

Queenoftheashes · 27/12/2019 22:40

Run him tf over

1plus2equalstrouble · 27/12/2019 22:40

This isn't a partnership.
This isn't marriage.
This sure as hell isn't love.

Would he leave if you told him it was over?

You definately need to end this sham. Claim for maintenance. Apply for divorce. You can't be worse off than now.

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/12/2019 22:41

bike loan is in his name not mine but payments have been made from my account. dont know would this matter

Cancel the direct debit! How much are you paying for that?? That's £££ that you could be spending on you!!

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 27/12/2019 22:42

So what is he spending £4K per month on..?

Lovemycat1 · 27/12/2019 22:43

Go go go! You will be much better off financially and emotionally without him. He is treating you appallingly.

Weenurse · 27/12/2019 22:44

Time for him to go.
Make sure you get half his savings and pension.
That should pay off his loan.
It sounds like he is feathering his nest as he knows the marriage is over.

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/12/2019 22:45

You are being financially abused. Kick the fucker out!

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/12/2019 22:45

Stop the payments to loan and insurances.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 27/12/2019 22:46

You are being financially abused.

Get out.

Original poster
Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 22:46

I had planned on getting to the new year but xmas has been awful so have been debating on speaking with him tomorrow.

He isnt spending his money his wallet doesn't close there is so much money in it so he is saving it up I'm guessing for something he wants to buy.

his bike loan is 60 per week so would be a savings of 240 per month

OP posts:
Travis1 · 27/12/2019 22:46

Cancel any direct debits not related to you and the kids.
Open an account solely on your name and transfer salary and your direct debits to it
Tell him to gtf
Lodge a claim with CMS
Live a happy life without that cocksplat

frazzledasarock · 27/12/2019 22:46

Change to a bank account with only your name. Freeze your joint account so he cant spend anything on it or go into overdraft.

Cancel any joint accounts your able to.

Transfer house related d/d’s to your new personal account. This does not include any of his bills for his loans so do not eg set up payments towards the loan on his bike.

Arrange a solicitors appt and get rid of him.

When you separate start a child maintenance claim also. So he finally pays towards his children.

You’ll find you have spare funds once you get rid of him.

Thehop · 27/12/2019 22:48

Cancel the direct debits that are just his.

Get a new account to pay your wage into, you can open Monzo or starling bank accounts instantly and they’re free with no hard credit check.

He’s a massive fucking leech on your emotions happiness and finances. Get rid.

Justkeeprollingalong · 27/12/2019 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Brot64 · 27/12/2019 22:50

Don't think there's any point in talking to him. There's nothing to be said aside from it's over, move out. Then take all the other steps that have been suggested here (bank account, solicitor etc).

timeisnotaline · 27/12/2019 22:51

You should have taken the money. I’m pretty confident the bike is in his name so ops credit isn’t at risk. Cancel all dds that are his things immediately. If you see his wallet again take it all.
You wouldn’t be unreasonable breaking up with him in the middle of a wedding, at your child’s birthday, at his best friends house. There is no scenario it wouldn’t be the right thing to do to break up with him. And tell everyone he only gave you any money when you begged, so you were on your own feeding and caring for the children.
Put in a claim immediately for support.