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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my marriage right in the middle of festivities!?!

251 replies

Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 21:32

long time lurker here!!

Married , 4 small kids and have known my marriage is over with some time! I just look at my DH and know there is nothing to fight for anymore.

I'm miserable, he is miserable although he hasn't admitted this. no affair from either of us BUT his actions in the last 3 years has been shocking. no domestic violence or anything but just a refusal to contribute to the house be it financially or just being present! lights on nobody is home shit!

I went to college so was entitled to education allowances etc. since then his earning has remained firmly in his pocket! why would he need to give me money when I have my own! money greedy he said I am.

so I pay our mortgage, loan for his motorbike purchased 3 years ago costing 15k without consulting me, pay all Bill's, shop for 6 of us and cover all costs involved with kids. be it educational or recreational.

the straw that has broke the camels back??? he informed me his dad was with us for xmas, no problem i like the man. so just asked for a little help with costs of xmas, 4x santa 17 nieces and nephews 13 being on his side but i see them as my family so no regrets in getting them gifts and the xmas food shop. He gave me 200£. he earns in the region of 1000 a week. I am training so get 450 per week.

this has been an ongoing argument in our house with months. if the kids ask him to assist with anything even down to toilet trips, twins are 3.5 so just toilet trained it's a huge deal where is mummy etc!

I need to go bed shopping while off work so said I would go tomorrow and he watch the kids, he firmly informed me no he wasnt minding them I could bring them with me and make sure I had money for beds as he wouldnt be paying toward them.

I just feel my life while if would be hard would be alot more manageable with just the 4 kids to mind as I manage all drops and collections and working full time without any input from him except negative input.

OP posts:

stanski · 27/12/2019 22:01

Even taking YOU out of the equation, if the kids are his then surely he should be contributing towards them. Proportionate per income is what's right here and his bike is HIS cost. Not yours. Are you out of your mind paying for all this??

BuffaloCauliflower · 27/12/2019 22:02

In what way is it money grabbing to ask him to pay the basic half of living costs? What a twat

OzziePopPop · 27/12/2019 22:02

Cancel all the direct debits for his bike loan, insurances etc and any other bills in his name (his phone etc) immediately.

Get onto the csa immediately too and ensure he’s forced to pay for his children. What a loser he is!

Oldraver · 27/12/2019 22:02

What the fuck is he doing with his wages if he isnt paying his way ?

paranoidmum2 · 27/12/2019 22:03

This sounds unbearable OP.

Original poster

Mammy2four · 27/12/2019 22:04

we are in a social house that we are buying. so mortgage is £80 per week, 60 to bike loan, 30 to electricity meter. 50 in diesel for my work commute, 20 per week to home heating costs. food comes in at about 120 per week maybe a little less without nappies now and child allowance covers the other insurance expenses etc . generally have 30 a week left over to cover school costs and bits and pieces like that

OP posts:

momtoboys · 27/12/2019 22:05

Reading posts like this make me realize how good I have it. You sound like you have it all together and would be fine on your own with the kids. Kick him to the curb.

mcmooberry · 27/12/2019 22:05

OMG he sounds absolutely awful please end things asap. I have no actual idea how you can possibly afford to be paying for all these bills in the first place and - Gott im Himmel! - his motorbike loan on top!!!! Financial abuse and a horrible person to boot, do NOT be in this same position this time next week far less year. I never usually join in LTB as worry that people might actually be poorer and more miserable if they did - but not in your case!!

SalmonFajitas · 27/12/2019 22:07

Your life will be so much easier without this dead weight. No doubt you'll be a greedy gold digger when you get cm too but never mind!

SlothRunner · 27/12/2019 22:07

Put him in the bin, yoj dont need him

Start a new account like others have said with all the important stuff and stop paying for all his shit

VerySale · 27/12/2019 22:08

YANBU. Ditch this waste of space. You'll be better off with single person's council tax etc, maintenance and income topped up with UC.

Twillow · 27/12/2019 22:09

How have you ended up paying his bike loan? Scrap that as a first step.
I do hope you haven't bought him anything for christmas! Can you talk to his dad?

3dogs2cats · 27/12/2019 22:09

I am so sorry. This is hideous. Please please see a good solicitor. And tell everyone in both families what is going on. You sound amazing to have coped.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 27/12/2019 22:09

Wait until 2nd January.

pallisers · 27/12/2019 22:11

What the fuck?

A man who thinks a woman who earns less than him should support him, pay for his family, do everything with his children?

Seriously OP. dump him and do the freedom thing or something that means you will never ever ever put up with this kind of shit again.

Shockers · 27/12/2019 22:11

I’d wait until 2nd Jan too. Don’t make Christmas into a reminder for your kids. Then cut the fucker loose- he’s taking the piss.

pallisers · 27/12/2019 22:11

and please - for the love of god - stop paying his bike loan.

Blondebakingmumma · 27/12/2019 22:11

He WILL have to pay when you separate and he SHOULD! What a dock not paying for his own kids and making you pay his expenses! Get rid of this waste of space!

fantasmasgoria1 · 27/12/2019 22:11

Get rid of him. He should be contributing to his children and his own things. Don't pay any of your money into an account he can access. I was a breadwinner twice. I did everything and paid everything whilst especially my first husband sat on his arse and did nothing. Plus he abused me in every way possible.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/12/2019 22:13

How did you paying the bike loan even start??

Why doesn’t he think he should pay for his kids?

I just can’t imagine such a fucked up situation.

Tanfastic · 27/12/2019 22:13

Jesus Christ what a complete and utter useless twat. He earns £1000 a week and you have £30 a week left over after paying for everything for your children AND him and he has the cheek to call you a greedy bastard? 😤.

You'd be financially better off if you lose him because he'd then have to pay you maintenance for the children. Tell him to fuck off.

mediumbrownmug · 27/12/2019 22:14

My first LTB. This man is financially abusing you and his own children. Do it for their sakes, if not for your own. And do it now. Good luck, OP. You’ll be so much happier and well off, and so will your DC.

independentfriend · 27/12/2019 22:14

I'd say, given what you've said about no violence, do nothing until the first working day in the new year when it'll be easier to get advice from a lawyer and others as to the most sensible way for you to proceed.

Shalom20 · 27/12/2019 22:14

Sorry to hear this :( . He is freeloading and needs to go.

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 22:15

Is the bike loan in his or your name? If it is yours just cancel the direct debit. Don’t tell him - let him clear up the mess he’s made.

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