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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have burst out crying...

141 replies

Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 11:12

It's been a hard few years emotionally, financially, physically. Me and DH are likely divorcing in the new year after 16yrs but have decided to give it a go over Christmas to see if we can figure it out for DS's sake, even though that's probably a terrible idea. I've been sick non stop but haven't been able to stop for a moment all year, constant low level bickering, issues with work, jobs and family. I'm just utterly done in.

For the first year in about 10 we've finally had enough money to spend about £70 on each other (though only because my Mum gave me £150 as an early birthday gift).

I've been so excited for days just to have something to open Christmas morning for once. Last night DH stayed in the bath for three hours until 11pm even though he promised we could do something christmassy together like watch a movie and eat some nice bits. I went to bed quite disheartened and feeling really lonely and a little weepy.

Wibu to have burst out crying this morning when I opened my present and it was a bloody Teapot!?

A teapot is for the house. It is not a gift for a person unless they collect teapots :( Even if it was goldplated or diamond studded, I don't even have time to make myself a cup of tea most days when running around after my toddler ds and everyone else in my family.

After 16yrs apparently my husband thinks I'm worth a Teapot for Christmas.

I'm 34, prefer coffee and we already have two teapots in the kitchen Crown Sad

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 25/12/2019 11:18

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. But think of it as confirmation that you’re doing the right thing by moving onwards and upwards. However difficult things get in the future, however skint you are, you’ll never have to put up with such a lack of effort from him again.

🌺

TidyDancer · 25/12/2019 11:18

Oh I'm really sorry to hear this. What did he say when you cried? I agree it's a thoughtless present.

90schic · 25/12/2019 11:21

Honestly i would be more annoyed about the staying in the bath and avoiding spending quality time doing something Christmassy situation... than the teapot. I don’t understand all the craziness about presents from grown women... it’s actually a little sad. Christmas is for kids let’s be honest.

Tiredmum100 · 25/12/2019 11:21

Yanbu. I had water proof trousers off my dh once and cried in the shower. I felt like a bit of a spoilt brat but you can't help being disappointed. It's probably more upsetting for you as you've been going through a difficult time. Put it aside for today, enjoy the day with your dc and do some serious thinking about your future in the new year. I hope things work out how you want them too, merry Christmas!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/12/2019 11:23

Utterly thoughtless of him, OP. He should be ashamed. He only was able to get you the present because of money that your mother sent for you. He has had a present from you out of that money too - and this is all he managed.

It's sad, I'm not surprised you cried. I think yesterday evening set the rot in; if the evening had been nice as you wanted then you would have taken the teapot in your stride and changed it for something you liked in the sales.

You're not being unreasonable at all, you're just wrung out by trying to keep this relationship going all by yourself. Don't try anymore. Thanks

justilou1 · 25/12/2019 11:24

Screams of a “That’ll do” present to me. Dick. Doesn’t sound like he’s too desperate to hang onto the marriage.

Original poster
Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 11:25

He got really upset, cried a bit and claimed he'd put loads of effort in to it. So now I feel pretty worthless, upset and sad that my husband thinks I'd want a teapot.

He only went shopping on Monday eve. I think he just walked straight in to the shop, didn't have a clue what I'd like and picked the first thing he saw he thought was 'good'. He has form for buying the same gifts over and over. At one point I had about 26 Tatty 'me to you' Teddy's because he bought me one every xmas birthday etc. I hated them in the end.

The teapot is from Cath Kidston, but I haven't liked anything from there but their purses for about 10 years :( and I've even said that to him in the shop before.

A fucking teapot! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 11:26

And no @90schic Christmas isn't just for kids. If it is, you're doing it wrong.

OP posts:
transformandriseup · 25/12/2019 11:27

I think I would have to confront him on this occasion. You already spend half of your birthday money on him and then he has put no thought into your present so you have ended up with no birthday or Christmas present. You would have had to buy each over some sort of present if you didn't have your birthday money so I would treat yourself to something you like.

NoncePieforSanta · 25/12/2019 11:28

This reply has been deleted

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RandomMess · 25/12/2019 11:29
Thanks

An arranged trip to go with to choose something would have been more thoughtful Sad

Sassanacs · 25/12/2019 11:30

Keep the teapot and trade in the shit husband. Don't spend your life being miserable - your son won't thank you for it. Give yourself the best Christmas present and go and see a solicitor in the new year.

AnotherEmma · 25/12/2019 11:31

YABU to use all your birthday money for Christmas presents, especially given all the back story.
You should have spent about £100 on yourself and then allowed £25 each for a Christmas present - less of a big deal when he inevitably buys you something shit.

Unless you're having relationship counselling and making progress, you should just cut your losses now - don't prolong the misery any longer.

Wildorchidz · 25/12/2019 11:31

If you are divorcing in a week or so why are you giving this any headspace?

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 25/12/2019 11:35

Agree, I'd split from this thoughtless bloke. See a solicitor in the new year. It's not a coincidence that most enquiries to solicitors about divorce happen in the new year.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/12/2019 11:35

90schic, there's a 'martyrs' thread out there, crying out for your wisdom. It's not the OP who is 'sad'; she's temporarily out of sorts but sounds a very together person.

I really hope you don't ever feel low at this hyped-up time of year... and then have somebody tripping over themselves to make you feel worse.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/12/2019 11:36

Wildorchidz... Divorcing in the new year could mean anytime in 2020. Not necessarily next week... Confused

Juststopit · 25/12/2019 11:38

The year I got a wheelbarrow I knew it was over. Get rid and move on. Buy yourself something nice next year.

Lulualla · 25/12/2019 11:38

So you actually gave him the money. If you got £150 from your mum as a birthday treat, and you both decided to then spend £70 on each other, then you've basically funded him. And he got you a fucking teapot?

What a dick. Sorry OP.

AuroraBor · 25/12/2019 11:40

I would shamelessly tell him this is not good enough and that he needs to exchange it and get you something proper.
There is no way you can actually save your marriage unless you both start being honest about your feelings and communicate, and if instead of seeing your point and wanting to fix this he gets offended or throws a tantrum - well, that tells you everything you need to know about his commitment to making the marriage work and you better start preparing for the inevitable divorce.

Gazelda · 25/12/2019 11:42

I once got a bone China Buddha from my ex. Our marriage was on its very, very last legs and he'd obviously thought to himself "shit it's Christmas in 12 hours, what can I get in John Lewis?"

It makes me laugh so much when I think back on it now, decades later.

But I understand completely why this hurt so much. You deserve some thought, some consideration, some acknowledgment of what would make you happy.

I hope your days gets brighter, and that the New Year brings a whole bucketful of hope. x

TheMustressMhor · 25/12/2019 11:45

Sorry OP.

It looks like he's blown his last possible chance to mend things in your marriage. You were expecting so much more.

Next year things will be better.

Knittedfairies · 25/12/2019 11:46

Did he spend £70 on a teapot?

ArranUpsideDown · 25/12/2019 11:46

I don’t understand all the craziness about presents from grown women

Because it's not the present, it's an expression of thoughtfulness, care and intimacy (even when something costs nothing/very little but shows knowledge of your preferences).

As another PP writes:

You deserve some thought, some consideration, some acknowledgment of what would make you happy.

I hope your days gets brighter, and that the New Year brings a whole bucketful of hope

Tableclothing · 25/12/2019 11:46

don’t understand all the craziness about presents from grown women... it’s actually a little sad.

Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's crazy. It's not the present, it's what the present means -

e.g. silk underwear = I think you're sexy (may be good or bad message depending on the people and state of relationship)

In this case, a teapot for a person who already has two and prefers coffee, says "Yeah, no, I'm not going to think about you as a person and what you might actually like, because your happiness isn't that important to me, even though we're on the verge of divorce, I'm still not going to put any effort into our marriage after all." That's the sad bit.