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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have burst out crying...

141 replies

Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 11:12

It's been a hard few years emotionally, financially, physically. Me and DH are likely divorcing in the new year after 16yrs but have decided to give it a go over Christmas to see if we can figure it out for DS's sake, even though that's probably a terrible idea. I've been sick non stop but haven't been able to stop for a moment all year, constant low level bickering, issues with work, jobs and family. I'm just utterly done in.

For the first year in about 10 we've finally had enough money to spend about £70 on each other (though only because my Mum gave me £150 as an early birthday gift).

I've been so excited for days just to have something to open Christmas morning for once. Last night DH stayed in the bath for three hours until 11pm even though he promised we could do something christmassy together like watch a movie and eat some nice bits. I went to bed quite disheartened and feeling really lonely and a little weepy.

Wibu to have burst out crying this morning when I opened my present and it was a bloody Teapot!?

A teapot is for the house. It is not a gift for a person unless they collect teapots :( Even if it was goldplated or diamond studded, I don't even have time to make myself a cup of tea most days when running around after my toddler ds and everyone else in my family.

After 16yrs apparently my husband thinks I'm worth a Teapot for Christmas.

I'm 34, prefer coffee and we already have two teapots in the kitchen

OP posts:

Bibijayne · 25/12/2019 17:14

Can you take them back and get a refund?

Charley50 · 25/12/2019 17:16

Mumsnet Xmas threads really make it clear why so many divorces are instigated at Xmas.
Personally I don't think the crap present should be the final straw (or even the 3 hour bath). Xmas is really hard; expectations are so high and reality hardly ever matches up, people are off work more so there is more chance to get on each other's nerves. I'm not saying don't divorce, but a Cath Kidson teapot isn't exactly LTB territory. Maybe that £150 should have been spent on counselling.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 25/12/2019 17:17

Just return the presents and then use the money towards a divorce.

Charley50 · 25/12/2019 17:19

I'd love a wheelbarrow too! Except I don't have a garden. Maybe that pp didn't!

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/12/2019 17:21

I see why you're upset. It's a shit Christmas present but...

I think it was probably not the wisest move to have a reasonably big amount of money to spend on each other when you haven't been buying each other Christmas gifts in years at a time when you are contemplating divorce. It kind of makes it a big deal - a sort of litmus test - in a way it shouldn't be. If you are trying to make a go of things what you need is to spend more time with each other doing things you will enjoy together and giving each other the benefit of the doubt instead of setting up what is, in effect, a high stakes test without the rules clearly spelled out. If you're on the brink of divorce you may have a lot of work to do to make it likely he (or you, possibly) will get present buying "right". Big gestures aren't what make a marriage good and if you need to rebuild your love for each other the thoughtfulness, the appreciation of what's important to the other person, isn't going to be as easy to come by.

Having said that, the three hours in the bath and his defense that he'd "put a lot of thought" into the teapot suggest he isn't necessarily that keen on working on the marriage. But Christmas day with all its stresses and failed expectations isn't the best time to get a clear look at how things are and make those kinds of decisions. Assuming no abuse, do it in the New Year. Maybe with a marriage guidance counselor.

Mummyshark2019 · 25/12/2019 17:22

Yanbu. But on the bright side you are only 34 and next year will look much brighter when you have moved on.

jamdhanihash · 25/12/2019 17:29

YABU, sorry. He bought you tatty teddies for years and now you expect him to up his game because (understandably) you thought he'd make more effort given your marriage is on the rocks. You know he's shit at presents. Was he to know that this one was that big a deal? It could be that you've secretly picked this as a test and not told him. Maybe that's why he cried. Maybe you should have communicated better beforehand.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 25/12/2019 17:31

I also find it concerning that you rarely have an extra £150/£70 lying around and he buys you a random teapot set. He just wasted your rare extra income on something that isn’t special for you, nor is it functional as you already have 2 teapots.

Original poster

Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 17:31

Rtfft properly please @jamdhanihash

OP posts:

jamdhanihash · 25/12/2019 17:38

I did OP. What have I missed

WorldsOnFire · 25/12/2019 17:41

Money is a little tight for us this year too.
We tried to keep gifts for each other to £50 each.
Because money is tight and it’s a real ‘treat’ we chose our own items - think it’s much safer this way

Trafalger · 25/12/2019 18:00

While my marriage was on its last legs I got a vaseline gift tin and a box of muesli. The divorce papers were printed off and written on the 29th December that year. I moved out in the Feb and have loved life since. It's hard but you can do it!

Alexithymia · 25/12/2019 19:14

Can't understand you giving him half your birthday money. If I was your mum I'd be upset as that was for you not him. You're still hanging onto the hope that he will suddenly change and become the person you want him to be. He won't. We don't buy gifts for each other. I got fed up spending time looking for something he'd really like and get something in return that had obviously had no thought put into it what so ever. Plus the gifts I bought were also moaned about and I had to return them even though they were things he said he'd liked before/mentioned. Tbh we save stress and money by not searching for gifts. Our whole family now just buy for dcs in the family. Much better and no one ends up in debt! Your issue is obviously deeper. You feel he just doesn't care. Maybe it's the realisation of your feelings about the message and maybe a little relief? Sending you a little hug.

eaglejulesk · 25/12/2019 22:14

I know how you feel OP, but do have to say that many men are absolutely hopeless at gift giving, and tend to panic buy. It doesn't mean they don't care. While you see a teapot as something for the house, in his eyes it was something pretty for you.

You know him better than any of us do so must go forward the way you feel is best, I just think women who complain about gifts from their OH need to keep some sense of proportion.

All the best

eaglejulesk · 25/12/2019 22:15

Incidentally, my last gift from my OH before we separated was a pair of gold earrings! It was never about gift giving.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/12/2019 22:35

Men are only hopeless at gift giving because they always expect the females in their life to do it. First their mums and then their girlfriends, then partners/wives.
Perhaps if they were trained in it better from a young age they'd work it out.

Cryingoverspilttea - have you talked to him yet? In all fairness to both of you and your marriage, you absolutely do need to sit down and spell out exactly how this present situation has made you feel. You need to lay it all on the line - the fact that the money was your birthday money, the fact that he's bought you a wildly inappropriate for you present, and the fact that he spent 3 hours on CHristmas Eve in the bath instead of family time, or helping you out with prep for Christmas (and all the other shit that we don't know about). You HAVE to do this.

Once you've had that conversation, then you can stop wavering at all and move forward in whichever direction feels right for you.

And yeah, I think you can take the general massive consensus (apart from a few) that you are NOT being precious or spoilt-bratty - it's a very disappointing present.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 26/12/2019 13:31

I got a teapot but it was one of many gifts, it was also a cath kidston one with a lovely teacup that said mummy. DH got it because it would look nice on my new dresser (it took me three weekends to sand, paint wax etc it was a labour of love) and put a note on from DS saying thank you for looking after me and you deserve to put your feet up and have a nice cup of tea, there were some nice bath bits in there and some posh tea too and this morning I had a long uninterrupted bath with a nice cup of tea, it was bliss. I also got other gifts that were more about my interests etc from DH. This isn't about whether a teapot is an adequate gift, it's in the context of an ending relationship with someone who doesn't seem to know who you are. He doesn't seem to know you at all and trust is incredibly hurtful.

Also there is no way I'd be using birthday money from my parents on Christmas presents for me and DH, you've basically bought your own teapot.

Original poster

Cryingoverspilttea · 26/12/2019 18:54

No, @LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook, this is pretty much exactly about a teapot being an unsuitable gift, amongst the rest of the strategic incompetence bullshit I've put up with for years.

To me it's the equivalent of giving 'me' a sodding hoover. A teapot is for the house. Unless you are someone that wants a specific teapot.

OP posts:

ButtonandPickle19 · 26/12/2019 19:01

I’m so sorry things are so bad. Have you considered going to Relate? Even if it’s not to save the marriage it could help co parent and survive the divorce if that’s what happens?

Original poster

Cryingoverspilttea · 26/12/2019 19:07

I spoke to DH today. He's admitted he didn't realise I would see it the way I have and that he didn't realise it would normally be a household gift (He's never drank tea and I know his family were the exception to the 'great british past time of tea drinking' rule, amongst other, batshit things).

He has suitably apologised but I've said it's not enough right now. He has to be accountable for his own poor decisions and choices and that includes leaving me alone on xmas eve for hours (and then trying to pass the blame to me and say I should've come and got him from the bathroom 🙄 - I nearly hit him with the fucking teapot for that).

I think 2020 will almost guaranteed be the end of our marriage, so ringing in New Year in a few days will be very bitter sweet.

It's my birthday the first week of January, so I've just ordered myself a book I've wanted for a very long time, as I still can't see him putting any effort in. He used to be my best friend and I'm not quite sure what happened along the way

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 19:13

HatRack · 26/12/2019 19:15

Congratulations

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 26/12/2019 19:38

I can’t believe you shared your bday money with him for his present AND your own present!!!

Original poster

Cryingoverspilttea · 26/12/2019 21:29

@HatRack

OP posts:

Postmanbear · 26/12/2019 21:40

I’m sorry that things are shit right now. I suspect that you are reading a lot into these gifts as you are already questioning the marriage. My DH didn’t get me anything for Christmas but I don’t care as I know we are ok. I wouldn’t let the Christmas gifts build up in your head to mean something they don’t. When I was a teenager my mum got me 3 birthday gifts, all of them I thought were random until it became clear that my sister (birthday the month later) had requested them. I was so upset and let it become a massive sign of how they loved her more and didn’t know me etc. Now as I parent myself I can see that wasn’t true at all but to me the present was a sign of bigger things.
What I’m really trying to say is if you think the marriage is over for other reasons then that’s understandable but try not to blow the present thing into a ‘sign’ when it might just be your DH being a bit shit at presents.
💐

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