To have burst out crying...

[Cryingoverspilttea]

It's been a hard few years emotionally, financially, physically. Me and DH are likely divorcing in the new year after 16yrs but have decided to give it a go over Christmas to see if we can figure it out for DS's sake, even though that's probably a terrible idea. I've been sick non stop but haven't been able to stop for a moment all year, constant low level bickering, issues with work, jobs and family. I'm just utterly done in.

For the first year in about 10 we've finally had enough money to spend about £70 on each other (though only because my Mum gave me £150 as an early birthday gift).

I've been so excited for days just to have something to open Christmas morning for once. Last night DH stayed in the bath for three hours until 11pm even though he promised we could do something christmassy together like watch a movie and eat some nice bits. I went to bed quite disheartened and feeling really lonely and a little weepy.

Wibu to have burst out crying this morning when I opened my present and it was a bloody Teapot!?

A teapot is for the house. It is not a gift for a person unless they collect teapots :( Even if it was goldplated or diamond studded, I don't even have time to make myself a cup of tea most days when running around after my toddler ds and everyone else in my family.

After 16yrs apparently my husband thinks I'm worth a Teapot for Christmas.

I'm 34, prefer coffee and we already have two teapots in the kitchen

I hope he kept the receipt - return it and use the cash to buy yourself something you actually like in the sales

I wouldn't have liked a household thing as a Christmas present, particularly. But I think a big problem in your marriage is communication. Why on earth did you not tell the truth that the money was a birthday present from your mum? That seems really odd. And why didn't you shout to him to get out of the bath as you were meant to be spending some time together?

Op - you are THIRTY FOUR. You haven't 'gone wrong in life'. You have so much life ahead of you. I'm not surprised you were upset. Sounds like you've had a lot on your plate and Christmas adds so much pressure.

New year, fresh start. Take the cunting teapot back and get yourself something nice.

Move on, move forwards. Things are going to get better .

I feel you there, at times I no longer recognise the man I am married to 😢

I’m divorced- I distinctly remember my ex husband giving me Filofax inserts and a pen for Christmas one year. We had no children, I was 25 and I thought “god is this who he thinks I am” we had money, we had time to buy eachother nice gifts- I made the effort, but that’s how he saw me. I was devastated.
Listen to what he’s saying, how he values you- he’s showing you.
I am now remarried, 3 kids and no time and not much spare cash. Dh gets me little things that make me cry it’s so thoughtful and lovely. Not just gifts just how he choosing to spend his time- your worth more

When you get divorced take the tea pot with you. Then when you look at it you’ll remember you did the right thing. I don’t think it’s really the actual tea pot upsetting you, I think it’s just a huge culmination of emotions and upset. Good luck moving forwards

It can be hard buying gifts for some people (my husband is one of them). He ends up with a lot of pairs of socks, practical clothing and books. Unless I have him a list to choose from for me, he would have absolutely no idea where to start.so I wouldn't be upset by the teapot. I would've more upset by the three hours in the bath though. If you're going to give this a go, you're going to have to grit your teeth a bit, push through and communicate. Oh and also plan as fun stuff together. It sounds to me like you're both panicking a bit/under a lot of pressure and the worrying/catastrophising when things don't go 100%. I,ve been there before. As hard as it is, just try to relax a little bit before you make any firm decisions.

So divorce him then.

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think that yabu. He put thought into your gift and was genuinely upset that you didn't like it. It's not as though he didn't try. He went to a nice fairly expensive shop ( even if it's not your cup of tea,excuse the pun). He just got it wrong, that's all. What if he'd got you a mug or a picture frame? Aren't they also gifts for the house? If he'd bought you nice underwear, or perfume, or jewellery or an outfit, he probably would have got that wrong too! Most men would unless you tell them or give them very specific clues as to what you would like. And re the bath, yes you could have gone upstairs and asked him to join you, rather than sit for three hours getting upset. It sounds, at this point, that you're looking for/focussed on negative things. Either work at your marriage or don't. But don't con yourself or your husband that you are working on it when you have already checked out.

Get the receipt and return the teapot and giant cup - and leave him

We say no presents now. The whole family. SO much happier.

The "men can't buy presents" lie is just sexisim. My DP was actually far better at it than I ever was. It is not about "thoughtfulness" FFS. All those who think they chose "thoughtful" gifts for others are just on the other side of the "Why would she/he think that I'd want that?"

Women tend to buy men clothes, (endless shirts and jumpers), tech or something for their "hobby" - which is never really quite right because it is so specialist.

It is just that men don'texpect gifts to represent the state of a relationship.

I would have been very upset with that as a gift as unless you say you were a collector of them which you are not.

Ask him for the receipt and see if you can return it all and get something you would like instead.

I'd be really happy if someone bought me a Cath Kidston Teapot! I love them!
FYI - Cath Kidston has a sale on at mo. Does it either have mushrooms on it or blue stripes?! If so then they're sale items and he spent very very little on it!

I didn't get any presents at all this year from anyone so it's hard to relate I'm afraid.
Although I will say that if you're unhappy in your marriage then there's unlikely to be much point in staying?

The teapot is a gift to you as a sign of the state of your marriage.

It is up to you if you want to think of it as rock bottom, as a PP talked about and which gave her the strength to give her husband a strong enough message that he really had to shape up or she was shipping out.

Do you think your DH wants to sort himself out and become a better partner? Do you think he is capable? If so, great. If not, the teapot is a fitting end to a dead relationship .

After your last update I am asking the question “so what is he going to do about it?”

It’s all very well saying “I didn’t realise” but a true apology would have been to get the receipt and sort out getting refunded so that his words had some actions and commitment behind them.

The lack of taking responsibility is telling, he’s blaming you for not telling him to get out of the bath for 3 hours!?

I’m glad you have decided it’s over. It sounds like he’s attempting to gaslight you and it’s very apparent that he is doing the crying and hopeless little boy act to garner your sympathy and hoover you back in.

Good luck @Cryingoverspilttea, next Christmas will be better for you.