To have burst out crying...

[Cryingoverspilttea]

It's been a hard few years emotionally, financially, physically. Me and DH are likely divorcing in the new year after 16yrs but have decided to give it a go over Christmas to see if we can figure it out for DS's sake, even though that's probably a terrible idea. I've been sick non stop but haven't been able to stop for a moment all year, constant low level bickering, issues with work, jobs and family. I'm just utterly done in.

For the first year in about 10 we've finally had enough money to spend about £70 on each other (though only because my Mum gave me £150 as an early birthday gift).

I've been so excited for days just to have something to open Christmas morning for once. Last night DH stayed in the bath for three hours until 11pm even though he promised we could do something christmassy together like watch a movie and eat some nice bits. I went to bed quite disheartened and feeling really lonely and a little weepy.

Wibu to have burst out crying this morning when I opened my present and it was a bloody Teapot!?

A teapot is for the house. It is not a gift for a person unless they collect teapots :( Even if it was goldplated or diamond studded, I don't even have time to make myself a cup of tea most days when running around after my toddler ds and everyone else in my family.

After 16yrs apparently my husband thinks I'm worth a Teapot for Christmas.

I'm 34, prefer coffee and we already have two teapots in the kitchen

Christmas is for kids let’s be honest.

odfod

OP, did you give your H half of the £150 that your mum gave you for your birthday? Why oh why? He sounds like a gaslighting taker.

Christmas is for kids let’s be honest.

What utter horseshit. So us adults with no dc, or the parents/grandparents who don’t see their dc/dgc at Christmas should sit in silence with no nice food or presents? What shit.

What an absolute prick. LTB.

Next time you get some money spend the whole lot on yourself.

When you get a really thoughtful and loving gift it can cost less than £10 and still be very special, he couldn't give a shit.

I had a shockingly rough patch in my marriage and it came to a head at Christmas. What followed was separation but as it was civil and as no third party involved DH didn’t immediately move out. The shock of it actually happening made us communicate with each other on a level of brutal honesty that was difficult and it was horribly uncomfortable and painful. It honestly took about three months of talking to start not being resentful. That August we booked a cruise and at that point I allowed my feelings to resurface as did he. So it took months but it was worth it.

It’s up to you op but that fact you both cried shows there is probably something there however minuscule . Only the two of you can decide if it’s worth the effort and it is very hard to save a relationship that’s breaking down unless both of you really want to save it.

Mine was thoughtless, he really was and mainly because he is a workaholic. He still works brutally long hours and it’s given us a lovely standard of living but I was neglected. I could imagine him grabbing a teapot in the past. I remember he got me a coffee maker one Christmas which caused upset. He makes time for me now and I for him.

Whatever happens op I wish you the best.

If it makes you feel better, last year I was given a plastic kid’s nurse kit and two (ugly) tea cups and some flavoured tea. Like you, I drink coffee. I told DH that I knew he went shopping at 4pm on Christmas Eve and that last minute grab for anything that he thought would do, and the silly minimization of what I had started to study was also insulting. (And a waste of resources.) Our marriage was already in trouble and his brief had been to find “something that showed that he knew and valued me as a person.” That was a quote from me. I wouldn’t have cared if it was cheap body lotion that I liked, or a diamond bloody tiara (unlikely...) He was given a heap of camping equipment that he was thrilled with and a portable stereo that he loves and uses all the time. I told him that that was the last straw for me. I was tired of years of slavery and I was leaving. He had been minimizing everything I did for such long time, he thought he could handle the kids, etc. I didn’t answer my phone for three days. (My kids are young teens and everyone was on vacation.) I came home to a shit heap, and asked why anyone in their right mind would be interested in living there..... He tried the Bambi eyes, helpless male thing. Obviously I told him how unattractive that was, and said that if he wanted me he was going to have to learn to multitask and get involved. I was no longer family slave. I would be valued by all members of the family and treated accordingly. He could call me when the house was clean and a marriage counsellor had been booked. We have been having counselling ever since. Both are working on the relationship. It’s not perfect, but getting there!
(This year I am VERY happy with my present, btw!)

One year my DH bought me a book I'd specifically told him I DID NOT FUCKING WANT because he "thought it would be a nice surprise".

It wasn't.

SO I feel your pain. Sometimes even the best of them (and DH is in that category, believe it or not) are fucking useless.

But YANBU to be upset. Ask him for the receipt. Take it back and but something nce. If it is Cath Kidson it will be ridiculously overpriced expensive and you will be able to get something lovely, even in he didn't chose it.

It won't happen again next year - at least, I made sure that it didn't with me. . . .

Sorry you were disappointed but I feel sad for your DC with both parents sobbing on Christmas Day over presents... it does sound like divorcing is your best option, you sound really unhappy and your DC will probably be noticing now - if not they’ll start soon.

justilou

You are my hero.

I have been so close to this, but lacked your courage.

DH is not a bad man (far from it) but in some ways he is a complete and utter unthinking twat!

I don't get all the present buying between husband and wife, we've never really done all that, this year I purchased all the things I wanted and my husband wrapped them up! Romance is never dead in our house! 😂One year all the family did secret Santa, my husband picked my name and he bought me a.....chrome bathroom bin! I have to say I was a bit pissed off as I really thought it was a camera and tbh I thought the bin was a total insult.

YWBU to split your birthday money with him for Christmas presents. And especially as you were so looking forward to a gift. Take this as a painful lesson, and don't do it again. (Unless he splits his birthday money with you too.)

As a person who has to buy their own gifts, if you can get the cash together look at all your favourite sites in the January sales, buy something you like, wrap it and put in the Christmas box when you put the decorations away. By next December you probably won't remember what it is, and you'll have a surprise you actually like

He got really upset, cried a bit and claimed he'd put loads of effort in to it.
Could just be a defensive reaction. My ex's default mode when criticised about anything was an emotional storm - they just wanted me to back off. Did he show any contrition at all? Or was it more "I'm the victim here" behaviour?

TBH it depends on what the circumstances leading to the threat of divorce are - has there been any infidelity? If he's been into someone else then I'd certainly be saying he's checked out and to get the lawyers in ASAP.

Atmic- I'm sorry, because I know you are trying to defuse an upsetting situation - but my adult DD is "on the spectrum" and you will not find a more thoughtful gifted.

Just saying'.

Not all people on "the spectrum" are thoughtless.

Not all thoughtless arse are on "the spectrum".

Whelp this year I got!.... Handed a gift and said 'Oooh! I wasn't expecting anything 😊'. Turns out I can keep on not expecting, as he'd just handed me an item of clothing I'd bought myself and he'd wrapped by accident.

I think the tea pot is a perfect illustration of your marriage. He doesn't know you, he doesn't know what you want and he hasn't listen to you at all.

Christmas isn't just for kids. If it is, you're doing it wrong

Absolutely!

Ask him for the cash and buy yourself something nice. If this is his idea of ‘giving it a go’, he’s obviously not that bothered is he?

Cried & said he'd put effort in?

Well that seems designed to make you feel bad, doesn't it?

Agree with those who say use this to remind yourself you are doing the right thing. Not just the thoughtlessness but get avoidance of family stuff last night. Not cool. Your DS will be ok, better to have happier separate parents than unhappy together parents.

Christmas isn't just for kids. If it is, you're doing it wrong. I totally agree. Presents are another way to show love, not everyone feels the same of course (reading about “love languages” is interesting) but for me it’s just as important to choose something nice for my husband as for my kids.

2020 will be your year.

It shows that he doesn't know you at all, even after 16 years. Surely he can do better than a teapot?
If this is supposed to be him making a last ditch attempt at saving the marriage it isn't looking good at all.

Maybe you could try sitting down with him in a couple of days and telling him how it made you feel.

Their teapots don’t even retail for £70 according to google, so where’s the rest of the money?

So disgusting that he spent your birthday money on tat, whereas you spent your birthday money on something thoughtful

*Something thoughtful FOR HIM

YANBU. Then again, IDK if this is the case with your DH, but when my parents' marriage was on the rocks, he bought her a tray of pansies (?) I didn't get on with the guy as a teenager and laughed to myself at the time, but I think it was a sign he was panicking and didn't know what to do, so in his panic did something random, if you see what I mean.

I agree your DH could've done better tho. xx

Wow, yes - where's the rest of the money gone?

Did he spend all of the budget on the teapot? Take it back and buy yourself something you want, it sounds like you deserve something nice- and a DH who knows you enough to buy a genuinely thoughtful gift.