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Original poster

To have burst out crying...

141 replies

Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 11:12

It's been a hard few years emotionally, financially, physically. Me and DH are likely divorcing in the new year after 16yrs but have decided to give it a go over Christmas to see if we can figure it out for DS's sake, even though that's probably a terrible idea. I've been sick non stop but haven't been able to stop for a moment all year, constant low level bickering, issues with work, jobs and family. I'm just utterly done in.

For the first year in about 10 we've finally had enough money to spend about £70 on each other (though only because my Mum gave me £150 as an early birthday gift).

I've been so excited for days just to have something to open Christmas morning for once. Last night DH stayed in the bath for three hours until 11pm even though he promised we could do something christmassy together like watch a movie and eat some nice bits. I went to bed quite disheartened and feeling really lonely and a little weepy.

Wibu to have burst out crying this morning when I opened my present and it was a bloody Teapot!?

A teapot is for the house. It is not a gift for a person unless they collect teapots :( Even if it was goldplated or diamond studded, I don't even have time to make myself a cup of tea most days when running around after my toddler ds and everyone else in my family.

After 16yrs apparently my husband thinks I'm worth a Teapot for Christmas.

I'm 34, prefer coffee and we already have two teapots in the kitchen Crown Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 14:58

With the rest of the money he bought the matching giant fucking teacup and saucer to go with the teapot, some wooden ornaments he thought I would like (I generally hate ornaments with a passion) two overpriced christmas cards (I am anti card - again, he knows this) and the wrapping paper etc.

I'm still reeling. Cried down the phone to my Mum before we all went out for lunch. I left before dessert as tbh I'm now reassessing everything and wondering where I went wrong in life.

OP posts:
TigerOnATrain · 25/12/2019 15:04

@Cryingoverspilttea

YANBU, but at least you have confirmation now of what you need to do. Let this shit marriage die a death. Sounds like he doesn't care for you at all. Sorry. Sad

userxx · 25/12/2019 15:08

Is this really about the presents? I got my boyfriend fuck all, he got me the same. No disappointment from either of us.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/12/2019 15:17

I’m sorry you’re having such a miserable Christmas, OP. If it’s any consolation, you may look back on this some day as the moment you realised there was no going back.

A somewhat thoughtless present is one thing. The fact that Christmas is supposed to be the make or break period for your marriage and he spent three hours in the bathroom instead of spending time with you is quite another.

Ninkanink · 25/12/2019 15:23
Flowers

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You have done what you could, there is nothing left to salvage.

That’s sad, but also incredibly freeing. 2020 is going to be your year of looking after you!

WatchingTheMoon · 25/12/2019 15:27

It's hard to say because I don't think a teapot is a fundamentally shit present, I'd quite like a new one. We're not big ones for presents though. But if it's not something you'd like, I guess he should know that.

If he already spent three hours in the bath instead of with you, it sounds like he has checked out already.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 25/12/2019 15:38

Divorce seems the best option here.

Creameggcountdown · 25/12/2019 15:40

though only because my Mum gave me £150 as an early birthday gift)
What kind of man would take money gifted to his dw from her mother and then spend it on shit for her. The taking of half your birthday money says more about him than the tea pot

BrendasUmbrella · 25/12/2019 15:45

don’t understand all the craziness about presents from grown women... it’s actually a little sad.

It's not actually about presents. It's about people who care for their loved ones, take trouble to find out what they like as people, and take the time to do things and acquire things to make them feel appreciated on special occasions, feeling understandably confused and hurt when their efforts are not reciprocated and they realize how little regard their loved ones have for them. And that is a lot sad, not a little sad.

FruitcakeOfHate · 25/12/2019 15:58

Take all that shit back. Divorce him.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 25/12/2019 16:06

@Thornhill58 sums it up nicely...
I think the tea pot is a perfect illustration of your marriage. He doesn't know you, he doesn't know what you want and he hasn't listen to you at all.

2020 is your year OP

Original poster
Cryingoverspilttea · 25/12/2019 16:10

To clarify, he doesnt know the £150 was my birthday present. I just said we had a little extra money this month saved up.

I keep waivering between thinking I've acted like a spoilt arsehole and that no, I had every right to be so upset. He should know me after 16yrs and if he doesn't there is something fundamentally wrong.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 25/12/2019 16:21

You have every right to be upset.

He’s demonstrated that he doesn’t give a shit. Whether or not he did so consciously is entirely beside the point.

SapatSea · 25/12/2019 16:22

If he had got you something you liked would you have felt sad that it had taken him so many years and the threat of seperating to bother getting it right?

Grasping at straws here but is there a possibility he actually thought you would like the teapot set? You had been in Cath Kidston with him before but he hadn't taken in what you said about not liking the stuff. He should have asked what sort of thing you wanted if he was unsure

The issue goes deeper than one gift though, you need to feel cherished.

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2019 16:28

Is it possible he knew how you would react and got it out of spite? I mean the fact that you had already told him you don't like stuff in that shop and he goes and buys your Xmas present from there, smacks of something a narcissist would do. Is he also making out your reaction is ungratful?

Anyway, best case scenario, he is a lazy sod who doesn't give a shit and after 16 years of marriage, doesn't know you at all.

Time to go. Maybe one day you will look back on that teapot and laugh. And be glad you got shot of him.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 25/12/2019 16:29

Hand it all back to him, and tell him to return it and give you your £74 back immediately. Tell him you will be returning the items you bought him for the £75 you spent on him as well. Tell him now it was your birthday money, and you honestly thought he gave a shit and wanted to give him a chance, but he clearly doesn't give one solitary fuck about you. So you'll have your birthday money back and spend it on yourself. Follow through. He should be ashamed of himself, but he won't be if you don't take action here.

UptightFunk · 25/12/2019 16:30

Seems like you got together when you were young and you grew up and he didn't.

As heart breaking as it feels, you can definitely, 100% do better than him.

Get going on building a much happier life in 2020. Without him.

Far2go46 · 25/12/2019 16:30

You haven't said what you got him and what reaction was.

Motoko · 25/12/2019 16:34

Stop that wavering right now!

The majority of people on this thread, completely understand why you're feeling like this, and have said you're not being unreasonable, or ungrateful. Believe it.

It's time to end this farce of a marriage. There are men out there who are not like this. I met my 2nd husband when I was 35, and we've been together for 20 years. He was shocked when I read your post to him. He would never treat me like this, because he loves me. (He's cooking dinner atm.)

While you're with this man, you won't get the chance to meet someone better, and you'll keep having reminders of how little your husband cares about you.

Do yourself a favour, and free yourself. You deserve better, and until you meet a decent man, you could be living a life that is better than the one you're living now.

Far2go46 · 25/12/2019 16:36

You deserve someone better, or maybe you don't, who knows?

ohwheniknow · 25/12/2019 16:39

That you could even entertain the idea you're being ungrateful or unreasonable when you handed over your own birthday present so he could waste it on thoughtless crap is incredible.

What exactly would you be grateful for in this scenario?

ohwheniknow · 25/12/2019 16:42

You haven't said what you got him and what reaction was.

Maybe not, but she has said she used her own birthday present to purchase it.

So none of the op's birthday present was actually used to treat her. It got used to buy presents for someone else, and to save someone else having to spend their own money on tat for her.

But sure, you make your snarky comments.

ChristmasFluff · 25/12/2019 17:07

At least now you know divorce is the right way to go.

Or you can look forward to endless more years of this. Unless that is what you want, you would be unreasonable to stay with him.

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/12/2019 17:07

a plastic kid’s nurse kit...silly minimization of what I had started to study was also insulting
what a shite he is :(

Josette77 · 25/12/2019 17:09

But he doesn't actually know it was her birthday money. Why wouldn't you have told him? What is the plan for divorce? Have you guys sat down and figured out details yet?

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