I am dreading tomorrow because of religion!

[StinkyXmasCheese]

Dreading tomorrow with my family.
They are all strong in their faith Christians and I know there will be praying and thanking god etc.
I was brought up Christian but am no longer and I'm actually quite angry about religion at the moment. (Working through these issues with my counsellor.)
I know Christmas is a Christian holiday but I know I can't have a drink or I'll say something to cause an argument and I have to bite my tongue.
I've already said to dh that we're going away for Xmas next year cos I just don't want to deal with it.
I don't know how I'm going to get through the day without letting something slip!

Putting religion to one side (!) if my family was going to spend the day celebrating something I disagreed with and felt had damaged me I wouldn't go.

It's what Boxing Day is made for.

So I think you are abdicating a bit of responsibility. But you are clearly struggling with your own boundaries and I sympathise with that - next year go away somewhere lovely and keep reminding yourself of that today. Maybe hunt out the stately homes threads on here?

You speak as though they raised you laughing behind your back. They raised you within their belief system. They do believe that it is fact. You are having an existential crisis but you can't really blame them for that.
If you think that you can't behave then don't go. You do not get to ruin other people's holidays.

I think.you need to grow up and realise it's not all.About you and your beliefs part of being a grown up.is accepting different people have different belief systems you don't have to agree with them you just have to accept their belief is every bit as valid as yours .

I was brought up as Christian and all my family believe and go to church. However, there was never a moment where I believed. I gritted my teeth during Sunday school and stopped going to church when I ditched the Guides at 12.

What comes across in your posts is that you’re still acting like you don’t have a choice, where as you do. Christmas happens every year and if they have always been like this then this shouldn’t have been a surprise. Finger pointing and getting angry only gets you so far, if you want to move forward then you need to accept the past and take responsibility for your future choices.

Christmas as celebrated in the UK absolutely incorporates pre-Christian traditions and history, but the salient point is that OP is going to visit people who will celebrate it as a Christian festival. So the Christianity point is kind of a red herring, because the situation would be the same if they were celebrating the pagan festival and OP strongly objected to that.

The point is that if you're choosing to spend time with people on a day they observe as a religious holiday, you need to accept and be prepared for that. OP its it's too late this year now, but if you plan to keep seeing family at Christmas, I wonder if you might benefit from working through this anger with someone?

Christian here from an atheist family. People can do horrid things in the name of religion but if really all they will be doing is praying and thanking God, it does sound like your anger is a little OTT. If they were telling you that you were destined for hellfire, I might understand better.

That said, this is why I tell my girls 'This is what I believe. Others believe differently. You make your own mind up but you respect my beliefs while you live under my roof'.

So the Christianity point is kind of a red herring, because the situation would be the same if they were celebrating the pagan festival and OP strongly objected to that.

I dunno, a druidic Christmas could be fun. Do you like human sacrifice, OP?

Seriously for a mo, the answer to this is pretty simple (if not easy):

Either you love these people enough to respect their beliefs for one day (go) or they have pissed you off with prior behaviour and it will be too much this time (don't go). It would be bonkers to go for a row- some people just use MN to replace Jeremy Kyle.

You need to speak to DH and search your feelings. Hope it all works out.

Honestly every family has their issues and we all have to bite our tongues to get through lengthy family occasions, don't we? I would put them first today and just get through it as best you can. I presume they know you are now an unbeliever? So won't be surprised if you don't join in with prayers/carols/church? I certainly can't talk about politics with my family and have different ideas about bringing up children as some of my dh's family. I still love them and would try and avoid any confrontations on Christmas Day.

OP I’ll say to you what I said I said to my 2 DC who had to go to a church school as couldn’t get a place anywhere else - you have 2 ears, one for info to come in, then let it go straight out the other.

No point in being angry with them, they will have genuinely believe what they taught you. Appreciate the fact that you are an independent adult who doesn’t depend on their family for validation. Sit and listen to the religious stuff politely and think what a lot of bollocks. With practice it’s easy and then job done.

you have 2 ears, one for info to come in, then let it go straight out the other.

That’s not how ears work.

OP, stay home and don’t inflict yourself on your relatives.

Or go and don’t drink so you don’t make a part of yourself.

If you think that alcohol will 'force' you to blurt out that you think they're talking bollocks, it's simple.

Don't get fucking shitfaced and keep your fucking mouth shut.

I don't believe, but amazingly, I am able to work in church schools, attend (and work at) services and generally function as a normal human being without being an arsehole to people who do believe. And yes, I have drunk alcohol around deeply religious people and still managed to behave in a civilised manner.

If you can't handle your drink or use it to excuse unleashing your internal/turn into a gobby, spiteful, angry person, just don't drink.

It's not fucking hard.

I mean, we know it's all BS right?

Wrong

Merry Christmas

Yes Haviana I am fully aware of what actually happens and how our ears work but it’s the principle of sitting there and getting through the bits you don’t want to hear but are important to others. My DC managed when children so I’m the OP can manage for one day.

I am having to sit through a lot of bullshit from my bigoted BIL today. He irritates me, but I manage by buttoning my lips. It isn't difficult.

Yes, don't drink OP. If you do go round knowing you feel like this and knowing that alcohol might make you cause trouble, it'll be your fault.

I'm really surprised by all the sanctimonious responses. It's clear that OP is struggling and lots of you have taken this as an opportunity to have a bash. How very Christian.

If people choose to believe in silly fairy tales then that's up to them. I don't blame you for finding it difficult OP. Unless you've had a religious upbringing you can't understand how much of an impact it can have on a person.

As pps have said, either don't go or go and don't drink. Do not unleash your anger on them for their faith. That is truly shitty behaviour. So sorry you're going through this, but many people are raised christian without these issues. I'm agnostic myself and raised atheist, but I can manage going to church if the occasion calls for it without losing my shit. If you can't, you need to avoid those situations. It isn't fair to rock up, have a few drinks and then lay into someone else for their faith. How would you like it if a christian or a Muslim did that to you today? Came round and had a go on at you for your new found atheism? You'd rightly think they were twats. Don't be a twat.

OP, if it’s any consolation to you, there will be quite a few up and down the country today eyeing family members up across the table, thinking, ‘I have nothing in common with any of these people!’

To get through the Christmas period without going quietly mad, I think the best thing is to establish a secure all-year-round shared worldview family of friends so that when it comes to having to go full immersion with your bio-family, you are not so vulnerable to the alienating effect of their beliefs and the bad memories that are stirred up.

I'm really surprised by all the sanctimonious responses. It's clear that OP is struggling and lots of you have taken this as an opportunity to have a bash. How very Christian.

If people choose to believe in silly fairy tales then that's up to them. I don't blame you for finding it difficult OP. Unless you've had a religious upbringing you can't understand how much of an impact it can have on a person

I'm Christian, not the bloody daughter of God. I'm no different to anyone else and just like you have perfectly demonstrated, I can also be an arsey twat at times

Thank for your seal of approval in my belief in 'silly fairy tales'. Good to hear on Christmas Day.

Have a good one

I'm really surprised by all the sanctimonious responses.

It’s not sanctimonious to say don’t be rude and start an argument with people who invite you to their home and pray and thank God. It’s basic decency. I’m not even Christian!

I DID have a,religious upbringing MsChnandlerBong but I'm not arrogant enough to believe that what what I believe is the only true and right way way to believe very vocal atheists can be just as sanctimonious as very vocal Christians.

very vocal atheists can be just as sanctimonious as very vocal Christians.

Very true, and very offensive about it too. Was the ‘silly fairy tales’ jibe necessary?

It’s not sanctimonious to say don’t be rude and start an argument with people who invite you to their home and pray and thank God. It’s basic decency.

Or maybe it's missing the notion that - if the OP has been distressed enough by her upbringing to need counselling - religion was used by her parents as a stick to beat her with.

If someone's abused you in the name of Jesus, Mohammed or the Flying Spaghetti Monster it's going to be extra hard to see your kids being told to be grateful to the Being you associate with your childhood misery.

Or maybe it's missing the notion that - if the OP has been distressed enough by her upbringing to need counselling - religion was used by her parents as a stick to beat her with.

If someone's abused you in the name of Jesus, Mohammed or the Flying Spaghetti Monster it's going to be extra hard to see your kids being told to be grateful to the Being you associate with your childhood misery.

There are many people though, for whom religion is a great source of comfort.

This is the OP's issue; understandable and sad as that might be.

Assuming she is visiting the family who you suggest abused her as a child, I would think child abusers would be a bad choice of people to visit with your children full stop. It has little to do with religion and everything to do with an abusive childhood, if this is the case. I would say, fucking hell, please don't go if they were abusive, but that isn't because they're religious; it's because they're abusive.

I know lots of people who are religious and seem to be wonderful, caring, open minded people and excellent parents.

I am not religious at all and my parents were atheists btw.