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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Shared DNA’ only

146 replies

SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:50

I know I am BU but want some insight why I get so wound up by this.

I have a happy marriage with okay relationship with in-laws-nothing like some of the dreadful issues you read about on here.

Every year a cousin in-law invites the family as in blood related siblings and cousins to a get together along with their children who are ‘independent’ I.e not likely to get in the way of boozing etc.

DH goes off with brother and has great time. He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

DH is not controlling. He is lovely man. I have been out twice this week for parties without him. There are no issues like that so why do I get so wound up by this?

Cousin’s wife obviously is there as she lives there.

OP posts:
teentree · 23/12/2019 12:51

DH goes off with brother and has great time.

This is quite normal and reasonable.

He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

Why against your wishes?

Original poster
SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:59

@teentree I don’t like my children being treated differently by family.

I actually think but can’t articulate in RL that while people can invite who they like to their own house a family should accommodate in-laws and we should all be invited.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 23/12/2019 13:00

I'm confused, are you basically saying it's a family party and you arent invited?

butterbutter · 23/12/2019 13:01

YANBU as his wife you are family and should be treated as such. I think that's horrible op

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2019 13:02

Yanbu.
What does your dh think? Where have they gone.? So eventually your dh and older children will all go and you won't be invited? Rude.

LuluBellaBlue · 23/12/2019 13:03

How are your children being treated differently? Do you mean because the eldest has been invited and the others haven’t?

So your upset because husband is invited and your not. Whilst that doesn’t seem very nice, by the sounds of it no other partners / non blood relatives are invited so it’s nothing personal to you.

teentree · 23/12/2019 13:04

don’t like my children being treated differently by family.

How are your children being treated differently?

TheClausSeason · 23/12/2019 13:05

YANBU. In laws are family. Your DH oughtn't go on principle- mine wouldn't.

teentree · 23/12/2019 13:06

YANBU as his wife you are family and should be treated as such. I think that's horrible op

It's ok for people to spend time without their spouse though.

Sirzy · 23/12/2019 13:07

How old are your children?

Sometimes growing up children will do things before younger siblings. That’s not unfair it’s life

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2019 13:07

theclaus is right. You have a dh problem. An annual family event that excludes you. He can decline.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:09

Your children arenr been treated differently.

This us a party for those who grew up in the same family and their 'Independent' kids.

You arent invited. The kids, if independent, are.

I find it odd to exclude partners. But in another way I would love to get together with my siblings and cousins, occasionally just us with the shared history.

Why does your dh have to abide by your wishes?

DowntonCrabby · 23/12/2019 13:10

It is a bit shitty and exclusive.

I think just about ok if DC is 19/ an adult i.e can make their own choices. If still a DC though it’s really shit you’re DH has taken them effectively reinforcing the blood only aspect of a family party, if actual children are included so should you be.

OceanSunFish · 23/12/2019 13:10

As it's only once a year this wouldn't worry me too much. Your DH shouldn't take DC against your wishes though.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:10

He can decline.

What if he doesnt want to? And he obviously doesnt.

MrsBricks · 23/12/2019 13:11

I would not be bothered by this. I'm going on a night out with some siblings and cousins over Christmas and partners aren't invited.

Sometimes it's fine to do things just with your family?

Also older and younger siblings often do different things - taking a 10 year old to a party is very different to a 4 year old.
I am taking my oldest child ice skating tomorrow but leaving youngest behind.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:11

Your DH shouldn't take DC against your wishes though.

Why?

teentree · 23/12/2019 13:12

Why is this a DH problem? Both DH and I have done things over the years separately with our families. What's wrong with that?

It must be suffocating for the people who can't.

slipperywhensparticus · 23/12/2019 13:13

You cant just split a family up to get pissed what are they 18 years old with no self control

OceanSunFish · 23/12/2019 13:13

Because parenting is about making joint decisions. Obviously you can't always agree, but if I feel strongly about something regarding the DC I expect DH to respect that (and vice versa of course). DH can make his own decision about himself.

AndAnotherNameChanger · 23/12/2019 13:14

I think it's ok if it's just siblings and cousins as then it's a catch up between people who presumably grew up together (ish) i.e. akin to you meeting up with a group of old friends without him - not a problem.

It's a problem when they include the next generation because then it's not about who grew up together but about family in general and you've been a member of the family for longer than your children and are being excluded - not ok.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:15

Split a family up?

It's one party not a lifetime.

OP goes out on her own.

Are you seriously suggesting that you can never invite someone to something without inviting their partner....ever?

Jesus, companies are splitting marriages up all over the country at this time of year by having Christmas parties with no plus 1?

ColaFreezePop · 23/12/2019 13:15

You haven't provided enough information.

I go to family things without my DP and most of my siblings turn up without their OHs and children. They can go if they want but most don't want to spend 12+ hours in the company of people they are going to struggle talking to.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 23/12/2019 13:16

So ... in theory ... all members of your family will be invited to this family bash except you ? YADNBU No way would my child go either- fuck that !!

For those of you who would wave them off and stay at home as the Great Uninvited... bloody doormats 🙈

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:17

Because parenting is about making joint decisions. Obviously you can't always agree, but if I feel strongly about something regarding the DC I expect DH to respect that (and vice versa of course). DH can make his own decision about himself.

And if the dh feels just as strongly they want them to go? You know, the childs other parent? They disagree on this. Ops wished dont automatically become more important.