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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Shared DNA’ only

146 replies

SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:50

I know I am BU but want some insight why I get so wound up by this.

I have a happy marriage with okay relationship with in-laws-nothing like some of the dreadful issues you read about on here.

Every year a cousin in-law invites the family as in blood related siblings and cousins to a get together along with their children who are ‘independent’ I.e not likely to get in the way of boozing etc.

DH goes off with brother and has great time. He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

DH is not controlling. He is lovely man. I have been out twice this week for parties without him. There are no issues like that so why do I get so wound up by this?

Cousin’s wife obviously is there as she lives there.

OP posts:
CandyflossKing · 23/12/2019 15:17

Get the 'in-laws' together and have fun without them!

Radardodgingninga · 23/12/2019 15:24

My DHs family quite often host ‘cousins’ parties. There are a LOT of cousins (DH has over 100 first cousins although only about half of them are on the side that throws the parties). I don’t go because I’m an in-law not a cousin. Adult DC go because they are second cousins/once removed or however that works. It’s never bothered me or occurred to me that I should be included.

Loveislandaddict · 23/12/2019 15:32

Does seem a bit odd that partners aren’t included to the party. Maybe not if they were a new partner, but long term/married partners definitely should go. May initial thought on reading the op was that the cousin thought that the in-laws weren’t good enough for her.

Original poster
SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 15:32

I am overwhelmed by the responses some of which made me cry laughing. Hilarious mafia and Malloy comments.
I am unreasonable I know.
It is my title the invitation is in a WhatsApp message where people are named.
No in-laws are invited from any generation and there are no adopted family anyway. Genuinely I am not controlling! My eldest is actually only a child but they have to know How to socialise and not run around. I
There aren’t really any other family occasions. This cousin is in fact one of my favourite in-laws. He is a generous man. I acknowledge that inviting in-laws would double the cost and alter the dynamic.
Apparently on a couple of occasions an in-law female on both occasions has arrived to collect their spouse quite early so in fact gatecrashing the party. On invitation now there is a suggestion about pick ups.
I genuinely think that the intention is not to exclude it is just a consequence.
He has a different attitude to family. I am a bit sad though. I’d feel different if it was a pub but it’s an afternoon in a suburban house. I will survive and say nothing. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Milquetoaster · 23/12/2019 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shodan · 23/12/2019 15:34

TBH I'd love a get-together with just my siblings Blush but sadly (for me, anyway), at least one of them can't/won't go anywhere without his wife. I get on ok with her but she doesn't have our childhood history/shared jokes etc.

I guess, OP, if you and any under-18 children were to go along it would turn into a whole different kind of affair. Do you have Christmas whole-family get-togethers? If so, I think I'd say YABU on this one.

I'd do what a previous PP said- organise an 'out-laws only' party at the exact same time as the 'bloodline only' party and make it FABULOUS.

VanyaHargreeves · 23/12/2019 15:39

If it would help @SweetSouberry randomly no context offered refer to him as Draco, until it catches on. 😂

"Off to Draco's tonight?" etc

HerRoyalNotness · 23/12/2019 15:39

I wouldn’t cRe but would likely start a rival get together with all the not invited. In our house it would most likely be me that went out with my cousins etc.. I’ve only met Hs dads family once in 15 years and his cousins on his mothers side not at all Confused

StrawberrySquash · 23/12/2019 15:43

It keeps the numbers down though. Once you add all the partners it just changes things. My brother did this for a pre wedding meal, parents and siblings only. I could see the logic, it was ten people with just that list.

LovePoppy · 23/12/2019 16:04

@Dollymixture22

The next generation invited “independent children” dont have that shared history though.

I have no issue with generational photos, as long as there are other photos that include the spouse. If a spouse is excluded from every single photo ever taken, or displayed, then I have a lot of issue with that.

@Milquetoaster....what an interesting attitude about adoption

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/12/2019 16:14

I get it op
The reason it's weird is the vibe is that the spouses aren't really liked, they are only tolerated when necessary and the wider family prefer when they aren't around.

This is not that odd when there are newish girl or boyfriends on the scene. But when you are including kids, it really is just "we don't really like the spouses".

It sort of smacks of people who don't make the effort with new people.

yellowallpaper · 23/12/2019 19:22

yANBU. I think it's bizarre to exclude long standing family members because they don't have the 'family blood' running in their veins.

Bloody bonkers

yellowallpaper · 23/12/2019 19:24

They sound like they are having some kind of black mass with familial blood letting and younger members going through an initiation ceremony. Weird

lyralalala · 23/12/2019 19:27

I don't see the big deal. DH and his cousins have a pre-Christmas get together every year. It's big enough with them, adding in spouses would make it too big to hold in the pub. It would also change the dynamic completely

LovePoppy · 23/12/2019 19:32

@lyralalala , but do they add in the next generation While continuing to exclude spouses?

lyralalala · 23/12/2019 20:41

Some of the next generation go yes. The bunch that consider themselves cousins all go. Because of the age gaps (FIL was one of 15) some are first cousins, some are next generation. It is all the family that go. FIL and his siblings used to do it in January

No-one ever bats an eyelid at sisters or female cousins going out without their partners

LovePoppy · 23/12/2019 21:28

And do your children get invited while you are told you’re not welcome?

anomoony · 23/12/2019 21:42

What makes it weird is the kids being invited. OP clarified that her invited child is still a child. And they get to go, even though OP and other spouses do not. Surely the kids' presence changes the dynamic more than the spouses'?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2019 21:47

I’d feel different if it was a pub but it’s an afternoon in a suburban house
Surely more reason to limit numbers if its in a house?

RuffleCrow · 23/12/2019 21:52

Makes me think of Monica from Friends saying "BLOOD!" repeatedly! It's a weird idea for a party. Are they in the mafia, OP?Grin

What are they even doing that only 'independent' children can attend?! What does she think would happen to a four year old who got brought along?

This would drive me up the wall. The thing about being a grownup is that you accept that the other grownups you know will have partners and children and commitments beyond your little soiree. Just because someone shares your DNA it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to want to drop all that just to be with some cousin or other. Hmm

lyralalala · 23/12/2019 23:06

And do your children get invited while you are told you’re not welcome?

DS1 and his cousins do a similar thing on the same day

LovePoppy · 24/12/2019 00:29

@lyralalala

But not the same party. A different party

That’s very different to me.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/12/2019 00:43

What would happen with a step child?

lyralalala · 24/12/2019 09:26

@LovePoppy They are welcome to the other catch up

They’ve just decided to start their own

I really don’t see the issue. I meet up with my three female cousins several times a year without partners or kids. It’s no different just because it’s Christmas time

IncrediblySadToo · 24/12/2019 09:34

I think it’s a bit strange, but the siblings/cousins thing is ‘ok’, I think it’s very weird to include the older children and not the partners or younger children though. That’s a bit ‘off’ either ‘just the siblings/cousins’ that grew up together or all the family. Inviting the children, but not the other parent is obnoxious

Where do adopted children stand in all of this?