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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Shared DNA’ only

146 replies

SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:50

I know I am BU but want some insight why I get so wound up by this.

I have a happy marriage with okay relationship with in-laws-nothing like some of the dreadful issues you read about on here.

Every year a cousin in-law invites the family as in blood related siblings and cousins to a get together along with their children who are ‘independent’ I.e not likely to get in the way of boozing etc.

DH goes off with brother and has great time. He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

DH is not controlling. He is lovely man. I have been out twice this week for parties without him. There are no issues like that so why do I get so wound up by this?

Cousin’s wife obviously is there as she lives there.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 23/12/2019 13:17

Your DH shouldn't take DC against your wishes though

Rubbish. There are two parents so she doesn’t get to override her. Ultimately given by the sound of it the child is an older child then they should have the deciding vote if they go or not

mrsm43s · 23/12/2019 13:17

You sound a bit controlling.

You and your DH are not joined at the hip.

He clearly enjoys going, and presumably as the children get to an appropriate age they will enjoy it too.

Sort something else out for you and the younger children to do on the same day and just let your DH and older child go out and have fun.

AppropriateAdult · 23/12/2019 13:17

It would piss me off too, OP. It’d be one thing for your husband to get together with his siblings the odd time, but specifically inviting the children but not the in-laws is really rude and excluding. It means in a few years’ time your whole family will be heading off without you, to a party to which you are explicitly not invited. That’s obnoxious.

teentree · 23/12/2019 13:17

You cant just split a family up to get pissed what are they 18 years old with no self control

Split a family up??? What the hell!

The guy is going to meet up with his family for some drinks ffs. He's not getting a divorce lawyer.

Calm down, eh.

DCITennison · 23/12/2019 13:20

I love big family get-togethers
I also love the occasions where it’s just a ‘core’ group without spouses.
Two different dynamics, both equally special and enjoyable.

I see nothing wrong with the cousin organising this, it sounds like a tradition and not an ongoing exclusion throughout the year. It’s not about you, and that’s ok - your husband doesn’t only exist in relation to you. And vice versa.

Being annoyed about your child going is quite selfish. Why wouldn’t you you want them to go and have a nice time?

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:21

For those of you who would wave them off and stay at home as the Great Uninvited... bloody doormats

Not really. I dont expect to be I voted to everything dp is invited to. This doesnt just exclude OP but include other partners.

Thank God DP doesnt expect t and invite everytime I go somewhere. Couldnt cope with not being independent and seen as my own person.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:24

Thank God DP doesnt expect t and invite everytime I go somewhere. Couldnt cope with not being independent and seen as my own person.

you are weird. We are all independent and our own persons, but not being invited when it's a FAMILY invitation is rude. Of course the wife IS family!

teentree · 23/12/2019 13:26

For those of you who would wave them off and stay at home as the Great Uninvited... bloody doormats 🙈

Or perhaps mature and secure enough to handle our DH going out without us.

helpmum2003 · 23/12/2019 13:26

YANBU that's very rude

ColaFreezePop · 23/12/2019 13:27

@Pfefferkuchen the other poster is not weird.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:29

ColaFreezePop
it is weird not to consider your DH as part of your FAMILY. - or you as part of his...

PineappleDanish · 23/12/2019 13:29

The OP might be left out, but so are the other non blood related spouses. She's not being singled out.

Her DH is obviously happy with the arrangement.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 13:29

Is the cousins partner allowed to be there as they're hosting? Or is it actually exclusively the cousins that grew up together and their independent children? If it's the latter you're being unreasonable and your younger children will be invited when they're older.

It'd ruin the whole concept if your children were begging daddy to play with them or needed a nappy change every 10 minutes.

The real reason you have an issue with it is that you feel left out. Its nothing to do with your children.

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 13:33

sounds odd - but its once a year at Christmas

it's "no partners" - not just everyone welcome except OP
was your partner invited to both othe the christmas parties that you went to?
No partners must reduce childcare issues - and family not going because of childcare
Maybe DH sees it a 'rite of passage' for oldest to tag along, once independent

It seems slightly strange - but if your husband enjoys the annual get together, it seems wierd to be bothered about it.

If you're that concerned, why don't you offer to host next year?

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:33

but so are the other non blood related spouses. She's not being singled out.

not sure that's really relevant. It's still rude.

A "boy's night out" would be one thing - not mine, but we hear about girls night out all the time, so why not. A "not your wife" is just not on.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:33

We are all independent and our own persons, but not being invited when it's a FAMILY invitation is rude. Of course the wife IS family!

Ah so no one can do anything with their own family without their dp being invited?

That's just odd. Say op has sisters and meets them for lunch...partners HAVE to be included?

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:35

Ah so no one can do anything with their own family without their dp being invited?

I am pretty sure you could understand the difference between a quick meet up with your siblings and a proper gathering specifically excluding partners..if you tried

TwoOddSocks · 23/12/2019 13:36

I don’t like my children being treated differently by family.

I didn't get this bit which kids are being treated differently? It's fine for older kids to go to things younger kids are too young for.

SerendipityJane · 23/12/2019 13:38

I've read the whole thread, and still can't quite see what the title has to do with the OPs OP ?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 13:39

@SerendipityJane that's the easiest part to understand - the only people invited are those who share the hosts DNA

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2019 13:39

I don’t understand the thread title. The ‘ marks make it look like a quotation. Is this person sending out invites which state ‘shared DNA’ only? Crown Smile

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:41

I am pretty sure you could understand the difference between a quick meet up with your siblings and a proper gathering specifically excluding partners..if you tried

What? So it's the length of time of the meet up? So OP cant spend the day with siblings, presuming she has them, without her DP.

Its starting to sound like what people actually mean is 'op doesn't have to have her OH there all the time....but he cant attend anything unless she is also invited'

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 13:44

I'm not really understanding the remit for invites. Is it only the 'blood line' so your DCs will get invited but you won't ever get invited? Or is it only the men and boys of the family?

If it upsets you, start a new tradition for the ILs/outlaws Xmas Wink and host them at your house whilst the blood relatives go to the cousin's. obviously your party will be superior Wine Gin

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/12/2019 13:44

Do they only ever have social occasions without partners, or are you also invited sometimes, just not at Christmas?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/12/2019 13:44

I find it odd that kids can go to. After all if they are going on 'blood relatives' they are only half...when they are older it's a bit weird to invite a parent and children but not the other parent - that's leaving just one person in the family out and isn't very kind

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