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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Shared DNA’ only

146 replies

SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:50

I know I am BU but want some insight why I get so wound up by this.

I have a happy marriage with okay relationship with in-laws-nothing like some of the dreadful issues you read about on here.

Every year a cousin in-law invites the family as in blood related siblings and cousins to a get together along with their children who are ‘independent’ I.e not likely to get in the way of boozing etc.

DH goes off with brother and has great time. He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

DH is not controlling. He is lovely man. I have been out twice this week for parties without him. There are no issues like that so why do I get so wound up by this?

Cousin’s wife obviously is there as she lives there.

OP posts:
LondonNovice · 23/12/2019 13:45

Which one of your husband's parents shares the DNA with the cousin who is hosting ? Does the other parent also not get an invite ?

toosoontoflytothemoon · 23/12/2019 13:46

You are family- you’re his wife! I think it’s nasty and bad taste to not invite you. Not in the spirit of Christmas at all

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 13:47

Do you have DCs that aren't your DH's? I'm trying to make sense of how your DCs are being treated differently because if it's just that the older child gets invited and the younger ones don't, then that's fairly common. There are lots of activities/invites/parties that aren't suitable for all ages.

SerendipityJane · 23/12/2019 13:48

@SerendipityJane that's the easiest part to understand - the only people invited are those who share the hosts DNA

But that could be any human alive - we all share DNA. Hence my confusion.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:49

Scarsthelot

you are trying very hard to twist things up, why is that?

Everyone can do things on their own, excluding people specifically is rude and nasty. If any of my own sisters were asking if we would mind if their DH was around when we had arranged lunch together, none of the others would say no, why on earth would we?

Not being invited to a work do is normal. Not being invited to a FAMILY party is weird. The OP IS family.

Not being invited to a "boy's weekends" is again normal. Being the only partner not to be invited would be very weird too.

Still can understand the difference, really?

borntobequiet · 23/12/2019 13:50

Where GCSE Biology meets bad manners. YANBU.

Illberidingshotgun · 23/12/2019 13:51

I think the key for me would be whether the cousins get together at other points in the year with partners, children etc? If they do, and this is just an annual family tradition then great, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Lovely for them all to get together as siblings and cousins. If however this is the only get together generally, then I'd feel differently.

Have the other partners said how they feel?

Sirzy · 23/12/2019 13:51

So because people are a couple they need to be invited to everything together? Sod that!

Certain parts of the family meeting together without the expectation to invite everyone is fine. It’s much healthier than believing everything has to be done together.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 13:52

Not being invited to a family party where partners arenr invited isjt any different to meeting anyone else or having a girls night.

Plenty of people would be annoyed at a dh coming along to a group of sisters having lunch.

I am not twisting anything. You have given loads of reasons why it's different. Even saying how long the party lasts is a factor.

I just disagree with you.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:53

So because people are a couple they need to be invited to everything together? Sod that!

ahem, to FAMILY events? well yes...

I love the fact that it's such a shocking concept on MN Grin Grin Grin

Sirzy · 23/12/2019 13:53

Just because they wouldn’t say no to a husband being invited to a sisters meet up doesn’t mean they would be happy with it. Sometimes extra people changes the dynamic of the event and discussion and that’s not always what’s wanted or needed.

AnneElliott · 23/12/2019 13:54

I think it's a bit shitty tbh. MIL can sometimes be like this (not with parties though). However if she ever asks me for anything I will often say "can't any blood relations help"? Before normally doing it anyway.

Pukkatea · 23/12/2019 13:54

@Pfefferkuchen you are very overly invested in this.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 13:56

Pukkatea
you are very overly invested in this

you say that because I reply to people quoting my name, or because you disagree with me?

Milquetoaster · 23/12/2019 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 23/12/2019 13:59

Surely this would be a numbers game though. There's a big difference hosting 15 for example compared to partners that no noone mad would put it to 30.

CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 14:00

Weird set up. Maybe they are actually mafia, and not ready to let you in 😂

I can understand why you'd be annoyed. It'll be crap for you when all your DC 'come of age' and get invited along with your DH to the mafia gathering, while you stay home like cinderella.

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2019 14:04

I don’t think you should let it bother you.

I come from a big family with lots of cousins, we did loads of group holidays as kids and love getting. Together to reminisce. Sometime partners come, sometimes it’s just us. Always great fun, but different dynamic when partners are there.

If you were excluded while others weren’t yes it would be an issue, but that’s not the case.

It’s not about shared dna, it’s about a shared childhood surely?

CiderWithRosy · 23/12/2019 14:04

YANBU op, ignore the people who are saying you are. In 'Mumsnet' world many would say it's reasonable behaviour. In the real world it's very shitty behaviour indeed.

DishingOutDone · 23/12/2019 14:05

I'm confused but intrigued how this all works. Who else goes and why? More info please OP, back story, diagram?

Laughterisbest · 23/12/2019 14:07

It'll be crap for you when all your DC 'come of age' and get invited along with your DH to the mafia gathering, while you stay home like Cinderella

Or it'll be lovely to have an evening in the house all to herself.

We don't have anything organised like that but it's lovely occasionally for my siblings and me to meet cousins and have a good chat.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 23/12/2019 14:09

It seems a bit of an odd tradition, especially with children allowed once they reach a certain age.
But I'd actually be happy not to be invited to these things, I can only cope with so many of these family social gatherings.

HeckyPeck · 23/12/2019 14:11

It means in a few years’ time your whole family will be heading off without you, to a party to which you are explicitly not invited. That’s obnoxious.

Agreed. If my mum was excluded like this I would have told them to stuff their party.

It’s one thing to have only cousins & reminisce about childhood etc, but excluding only one person in a family & inviting others without the shared history is shitty.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 14:15

OP comes and asks for opinions and is told

ignore the people who are saying you are.

Hahhahaha

Agreed. If my mum was excluded like this I would have told them to stuff their party.

Then the kids can say they dont want to go.

JustOneSquareofDarkChocolate · 23/12/2019 14:20

I'm all for socialising separately if that appeals, but not for family get-togethers.

Family = family whether by marriage (or cohabitation) or blood.

YANBU

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