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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘Shared DNA’ only

146 replies

SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:50

I know I am BU but want some insight why I get so wound up by this.

I have a happy marriage with okay relationship with in-laws-nothing like some of the dreadful issues you read about on here.

Every year a cousin in-law invites the family as in blood related siblings and cousins to a get together along with their children who are ‘independent’ I.e not likely to get in the way of boozing etc.

DH goes off with brother and has great time. He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

DH is not controlling. He is lovely man. I have been out twice this week for parties without him. There are no issues like that so why do I get so wound up by this?

Cousin’s wife obviously is there as she lives there.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 24/12/2019 09:45

Apparently on a couple of occasions an in-law female on both occasions has arrived to collect their spouse quite early so in fact gatecrashing the party. On invitation now there is a suggestion about pick ups
It sounds like they're seen through spouses who want to gatecrash events by "accidentally" turning up early rather than accept not all gatherings are for couples

If I wanted to hang out with my wider family without my DH their partners, then it would happen. If he started bleating "but it's a FAMILY event" then I'd be less than impressed. Everyone needs space and time beyond their spouse

minipie · 24/12/2019 09:58

I think YANBU. It’s the inviting kids that makes it weird. That means it’s a) not just about “the old gang” of cousins and siblings getting together to catch up, and b) more pointedly excluding the in law spouses since their whole family will eventually be invited without them.

Are there any female family members who get invited OP? Or are all these cousins, siblings and older children male by any chance?

5LeafClover · 24/12/2019 10:18

I also think it's the inviting the kids that makes it unpleasant. Especially if there's been an unspoken expectation from your h that you will provide childcare to facilitate this each year . I hope your h would be equally supportive of you arranging to go out either by yourself or just you and the kids.

LovePoppy · 24/12/2019 10:43

It’s not about meeting without the spouse to me

The the purposeful wording and exclusion of the spouse.

It just comes across as mean

GeorgeTheFirst · 24/12/2019 10:51

You feel left out and pissed off. You are quite entitled to feel like that and there is no reason at all why you shouldn't. It's completely understandable. But at the same time the cousin has his reasons and is entitled to choose his guest list.

Be pissed off, tell your husband that you are, but let it happen, don't try to make DH feel bad about going. Use the time to do something nice - don't make it worse for yourself by doing chores or whatever.

WarmSausageTea · 24/12/2019 11:03

It just comes across as mean

Very much so. I think I’d have to reevaluate my relationship with the non-shared DNAs.

AppropriateAdult · 24/12/2019 11:21

But at the same time the cousin has his reasons and is entitled to choose his guest list.

Well, everyone is ‘entitled’ to do anything they want within the confines of the law. It doesn’t make it kind, or good manners, or somehow immune from criticism.

returnofthecat · 24/12/2019 11:50

@SweetSouberry I suspect you're so upset because the cousin-in-law is spelling out that this is a club you're never allowed to join.

Sometimes people get missed off invites because they're not a serious enough plus one - over the years, you prove you've got staying power and/or you get married, so you do get invited to all those things too. However, a 'shared DNA' club is not one you can ever join, because you're not a blood relation and you will never be. It's also a bit sad because you feel you're in that club with your DC but cousin-in-law has drawn a line separating you. It's also a clear reminder that if anything were to happen with your link to your DH - divorce or death - you wouldn't be considered family and no one would take an interest in you.

I can understand why the cousin-in-law wants to throw a party just for the people he considers family, but outside of weddings, I don't think you can really dictate in that way. If someone you consider family has made a link to someone they consider family (and marriage and kids would suggest it's a pretty strong link!) you have to accept them. Cousin-in-law might not have chosen you to be family, but your DH has, and by extension, you are now a part of the same family.

Cousin-in-law sounds thoughtless. Probably too late for this year, but next year I'd organise a 'rejects and outlaws' party for the family who get missed out. You're probably not as close as the people at the 'shared DNA' party, but it would be a good opportunity to build some stronger links of your own and widen your support network.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 24/12/2019 12:13

This would drive me up the wall. The thing about being a grownup is that you accept that the other grownups you know will have partners and children and commitments beyond your little soiree. Just because someone shares your DNA it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to want to drop all that just to be with some cousin or other.

‘Drop everything’? It’s one bloody day. If you can’t cope for a day without your spouse because they’re seeing ‘Some cousin or other’ (or someone they’ve grown up with and care for, as others might put it) you need to stop being so bloody wet.

I can understand why the cousin-in-law wants to throw a party just for the people he considers family, but outside of weddings, I don't think you can really dictate in that way.

You can ‘dictate’ who comes to your house as much as you like. The OP’s husband doesn’t have to go - but he doesn’t get to choose the guest list.

churchandstate · 24/12/2019 12:37

I think a lot of people find it truly hard to understand that their marriage doesn’t instantly create the emotional bond with the in-laws that their spouse has enjoyed for decades. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to spend an afternoon with your actual family members, rather than family by marriage. I’d let them get on with it and open the mince pies.

returnofthecat · 24/12/2019 12:50

@StillCoughingandLaughing I meant without a fallout. When it comes to weddings, the bridge and groom have a free pass to invite whoever they like for whatever ridiculous reasons they have.

Outside of weddings, you are generally expected to be more thoughtful. This seems to be an annual 'you'll never be one of us' party. I suppose as with most things, it's the messaging - the way it's been communicated to the OP is hurtful.

LovePoppy · 24/12/2019 13:01

Ftr
I would have no issue at all with my husband going to a cousin party Alone. I might do the same.

For me, it’s the inclusion of other generations while deliberately excluding me Thats the issue.

This gives it an air of “boys night” but some women are invited, and I’m told to stay home.

LolaSmiles · 24/12/2019 17:19

I think a lot of people find it truly hard to understand that their marriage doesn’t instantly create the emotional bond with the in-laws that their spouse has enjoyed for decades. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to spend an afternoon with your actual family members, rather than family by marriage
I agree, which is a shame because it's really obvious that the bonds will be different and a different relationship doesn't negate a good in-law relationship

For example DH once attended a gathering with family friends of my parents. He'd have happily not attended because it often becomes a social occasion with references that only come with being around since childhood, etc. it's not cliquey, but just like how meetups with different groups over time tend to involve references from the shared past, so was true at this family event.

We have some friends who think they are a package with their DW/DH and it seems to be a source of friction with friends and family.

minipie · 24/12/2019 18:32

But at the same time the cousin has his reasons and is entitled to choose his guest list.

Would you feel the same if the cousin chose to invite, for example, only the white members of the family? Or only those with degrees? Or... you get my drift.

I think a lot of people find it truly hard to understand that their marriage doesn’t instantly create the emotional bond with the in-laws that their spouse has enjoyed for decades.

Lots of posters are saying this would be fine if it was the family members who’ve known each other for decades meeting up. But it includes children as well, so it clearly isn’t about decades-old emotional bonds. It’s about some weird bloodline snobbery.

LolaSmiles · 24/12/2019 19:10

Would you feel the same if the cousin chose to invite, for example, only the white members of the family? Or only those with degrees? Or... you get my drift.
Are you comparing family arranging their own family gathering without partners to racism?

FalalalalaloreanFortescue · 24/12/2019 19:30

YANBU. Why the hell would you have a blood-relations only party at Christmas? In-laws by definition have become family. I'd be extremely hurt. As would my in-laws.

We actually like each other!

Rose789 · 24/12/2019 21:41

I would love to do that you know just once. My mum (deceased) was one of 7 kids all of the aunties and uncles are married so x 13 people.
Between them they have 19 kids. 17 of us have partners/spouses so x 36
The cousins have 35 children and step children between them. Some of them now have boyfriends and girlfriends and 1 has a baby.
Everyone still lives locally but meeting up with everyone would literally involve hiring a venue there’s that many of us.
Me and dh host a party each year for friends and the only family I feel able to invite are my dad, brother sil and their kids. If I invited one aunty or one cousin I would need to invite them all.

Blackbear19 · 25/12/2019 02:00

The Cousin in law, must have reasons not to invite in-laws? Could be a pure numbers thing not enough space, could be friction between certain individuals.

thecatsthecats · 06/01/2020 12:58

For those of you who would wave them off and stay at home as the Great Uninvited... bloody doormats

Lol. I would LOVE to be left out of IL family get togethers. Some nice time by myself or seeing my own friends? I would choose it every time.

Pissing myself laughing at the people putting FAMILY in caps, as if the concept of FAMILY isn't behind three quarters of the angst on MN.

Crazycrazylady · 06/01/2020 22:12

I couldn't get worked up over this.. we do a meet up with our cousin over Xmas and it's just us, we drink wine and reminisce about our shared childhood.. my dh definitely isn't put nor would I be if he Was meeting up with his family in similar circumstances. It would be boring for people who didn't grow up
With us to listen to all those stories.

MulticolourMophead · 06/01/2020 22:20

I'd probably do this. "Shared DNA" is overrated anyway.

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