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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Shared DNA’ only

146 replies

SweetSouberry · 23/12/2019 12:50

I know I am BU but want some insight why I get so wound up by this.

I have a happy marriage with okay relationship with in-laws-nothing like some of the dreadful issues you read about on here.

Every year a cousin in-law invites the family as in blood related siblings and cousins to a get together along with their children who are ‘independent’ I.e not likely to get in the way of boozing etc.

DH goes off with brother and has great time. He has now taken eldest child against my wishes.

DH is not controlling. He is lovely man. I have been out twice this week for parties without him. There are no issues like that so why do I get so wound up by this?

Cousin’s wife obviously is there as she lives there.

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 23/12/2019 14:22

Cousins wife may live there, but isnt blood.
She should go out while the party is happening, suggest it...

In all seriousness, i would say "F### your party" 😄

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2019 14:26

YANBU. I’d be well pissed off if I wasn’t invited to a family do. Has it been specifically mentioned that it’s blood relations only? What are they, a fucking vampire clan?!

LovePoppy · 23/12/2019 14:29

Fuck that shit

What would they do if there were an adopted cousin of any generation?

Exclusive assholes

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2019 14:31

The kids going along does make it a bit odd, but I am always intrigued by people who demand that spouses should be included in everything.

It is fine to go out with your friends without your husband and wife, but why the white hot rage if siblings or cousins want to get together without spouses?

I see it slot here, huge indignation as if they are being disrespected. It takes years for people to feel like family, sometimes they never do. As long as newcomers are invited to the majority of family functions and people make the effort to get to know them, what the harm I. The original cousins hanging out once a year?

VanyaHargreeves · 23/12/2019 14:32

The bloodline only thing just makes me wonder if your husbands cousin is Draco Malfoy tbh 😂

That said, I have a cousin on my fathers side who would TOTALLY do this if we had more family on that side. Weirdly precious that way. He would in general be met with Hmm by the rest of us though.

YANBU

TwoOddSocks · 23/12/2019 14:34

I could understand having a cousin's gathering without partners as new partners changes the dynamic but saying "DNA only" is weird. What if someone was adopted would that be OK? Having kids there means newcomers are allowed so it's a bit odd to be honest.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 14:37

just makes me wonder if your husbands cousin is Draco Malfoy tbh GrinGrin

where do the cousins stand on illegitimate children? Are marriage between cousins actively encouraged too?

I am guessing you do need to supply some DNA sample in advance to know if you've made the cut.

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2019 14:38

Lovepoppy, surely is not about dna but shared childhood? I think in his set up adopted cousins would of-course be included?

I also wonder are people as outraged by the three or four generation pictures? We do them in our family. Grandparents down every year. No in-laws are included. No one is in the slightest bit offended (tradition was started by a married in aunt many many years ago who is a professional photographer and takes huge pride in the project). We also do the female line (which has the most members left). It’s a lovely tradition.

CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 14:45

It's not about shared childhood though - didn't you read the bit which says the children are now being invited? They didn't share a childhood did they?

Pukkatea · 23/12/2019 14:45

Honestly this is probably controversial but I really don't subscribe to the idea that family by marriage is the same as by birth. A parent is never going to love their son in law more than their daughter, and in my family there have been dozens of divorces where people who were previously beloved family have never been seen again. It's a type of family but it's not the same.

thenightsky · 23/12/2019 14:46

But you are blood-related to them through your children [confued]

SerendipityJane · 23/12/2019 14:53

it all sounds terribly medieval, to be honest. It's hard to think of anything good that has come from people obsessing over bloodlines, and horribly easy to think of plenty of evil.

Maybe the OPs cousin in law is practising their own Norman revival ?

Naillig222 · 23/12/2019 14:56

I usually go on a night out with my siblings and cousins at Xmas. Has never occurred to me to invite my DH. When my cousins dd turned 18 she started coming too.
Isnt this the same thing?

Ingridla · 23/12/2019 14:56

Families are weird, try not to let it get to you, they will prob all have absolutely no awareness this could cause any hurt. Human blood bond is a continuing source of surprise to me tbh

coconuttelegraph · 23/12/2019 14:57

But you are blood-related to them through your children

No she's not, she doesn't share any bloodline with the ILs, you'd assume not anyway, having a child with someone doesn't make you a blood relative of their family.

Without any further information I don't see where the problem is, why can't your DC do stuff with the ILS without you?

ShinyGiratina · 23/12/2019 14:57

I don't know... I can think of a DiL who's probably more loved than the son Grin (ain't me!)

Context matters. Are there normally opportunities for the whole family to meet?

We had a one-off special occasion of "all the (adult) girls" By fluke of biology (and cultish religion), it meant there was only one wildcard male direct relation involved and as he and his wife were hosting, as his card. It was lovely. No children (other than the young child living there) to have to look after, and it was a different dynamic to just be core family for the first time in years, and was very bonding. DH was quite happy to stay home with the DCs. The numbers were kept managable for eating out.

As an annual event it is a bit odd.

TriangularRatbag · 23/12/2019 14:57

YABU

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 15:00

I usually go on a night out with my siblings and cousins at Xmas. Has never occurred to me to invite my DH. When my cousins dd turned 18 she started coming too.
Isnt this the same thing?

Apparently not. When a woman does it, it's fine. Not when the mans family does it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/12/2019 15:01

Nothing odd about having a party where it’s just siblings / cousins. I wish I could do this with my family — but we have a lot of controlling female in-laws like OP who don’t like their DPs doing anything without them.

VanyaHargreeves · 23/12/2019 15:02

You aren't blood via your children unless you've done some sort of incest.

You are related by marriage.

I have a very difficult embarrassing Uncle by marriage who fortunately lives in another country.

My cousin living in the same area will outright correct people and say "he's not my Uncle, he's my Aunt's Husband" to make it very clear that such an arsehole is not blood to her

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2019 15:05

Cherry plum, sorry I had commented above about the children (so I did read it😊). My response was about people saying adopted cousins would be excluded because they don’t have the same dna.

Sorry probably wasn’t being clear (so maybe deserved your arsenal comment😢)

Happy Christmas

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2019 15:05

Arsey not arsenal

Durgasarrow · 23/12/2019 15:05

why can't they get together without in-laws? It makes perfect sense to me. It's one time a year. Different kinds of parties have different configurations. The oldest child is of drinking age, I presume, or adult-ish enough to appreciate it? This is a silly thing to be jealous about.

SourAndSnippy · 23/12/2019 15:05

I'm confused but intrigued how this all works. Who else goes and why? More info please OP, back story, diagram?

A Venn diagram would be perfect.

OP, we need more info. You've not given enough so the Mumsnetters are letting their imaginations get the better of them.

AJPTaylor · 23/12/2019 15:15

Sounds fine to me. Let the cousins get together and reminisce about uncle Harry, the holiday to Southend etc without boring everyone/having to explain. It's once a year!

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