To think this was an an awful comment to makr

[Misscromwellrocks]

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

It’s not hard to see who might need emotional support at Christmas. And it’s the list the op mentioned a while back. Anyone who feels like that, people do care.

And actually, I never moan to non parents but it’s hard to feel any sympathy when a non parent moans to me about their life being so busy because I just think, yea, whatever - I can just about remember my name and I have used dry shampoo for the third day running but of course your life is just so hard!!, I don’t say that of course, I nod and sympathise coz I’m nice but that’s what I’m thinking. Are other mums really not thinking this too?

Ugh what a thoughtless and insensitive comment to make

Are other mums really not thinking this too?

Not all of us, no. I spend years having miscarriages and thinking I’d never get a pregnancy to stick and get to be a mum. Nothing I’ve been through since having her has been harder than that. And I always manage to wash my hair. Everyone is different.

Tbh society isn’t very kind to women who didn’t have kids, whatever the reason.

But having kids is fucking knackering and you can’t ever take a day off, so even if you’re hosting 10 people for dinner, including kids, it still isn’t as tiring as actually having them.

Bollocks @EmbarrassingMama
My most stressful Christmases were before I had kids and since they've become adults.
My Christmases when they are young were the easiest ones. We stayed home, we didn't have elderly parent, health or entertainment stresses. We just enjoyed the great things about our young kids' awe and wonder about Christmas. Those were the best times.

I don't know why people like you have to turn parenting (which, let's face it, the majority of people get to experience, so it's not all that special) into an endurance feat deserving of some sort of medal.

This is just beyond crass. I get people saying similar things to me - not because I haven’t had children but because my three sons are grown up and all have left home. Apparently I don’t understand how difficult it is at Christmas with children - this despite my husband being a serving police officer when our boys were small and often working over Christmas.

Two of the three now have families of their own. So at Christmas I’m juggling grown up families, plus grandkids and aged mother in law with dementia- who just happens to be incontinent as well. Slightly different changing the nappy on a 92 year old than a baby 😂. Added to that, we also have my brother in law who has a learning disability and autism so can be very challenging.

Two daughters in law don’t like each other so refereeing their sniping at each other is stressful in its own right.

Sometimes I long for the days when it was just me, DH and the three boys when they were children - it was so much easier, plus I had a lot more energy in those days.

@ffsffsffs thanks for your comments. I’m a very good mum that’s why I run around trying to do everything.

You clearly don’t understand what like for like means. If two people’s situations are the same but one has kids then their life will be harder than those without kids.

I clearly stated that of course there are more stressful situations in life but I’m talking in like for like situations it’s always harder being a a parent. That includes all the bad situations childfree people have.

It’s not my fault you have limited intelligence and don’t understand what I’m saying...... Not nice is it??

@annelovesgilbert. I’m sorry for your difficulties. I too suffered miscarriage so that is tough.

Again, I’m talking about daily life, like for life situations. It’s not that hard to understand what I’m saying. Of course other situations that happen in life are worse but I’m talking about years of bringing up children and everything else in life. I love being a mum but I also work full time in a demanding job which I work around my kids so I don’t always have time to wash my hair,m.

This is a pointless argument that goes on and on every time there a thread like this. It’s pretty obvious to anyone with any intelligence that being a parent and yet still doing everything else in life is harder than just doing everything else in life. How is that hard to comprehend?

@Sb74

You are clearly spouting bollocks

And those that can’t have children I feel very sorry for but that’s not my argument. It’s about daily life and life management if we want to put a name to it. Looking after 1 or 2 adults v 4 or more including mostly dependants - more of everything is needed and it is bloody hard work and expensive. That’s all, not saying parents are not lucky and don’t feel sorry for others who can’t have children. Just it’s hard work.

Not really. If we didn’t have kids the human race would not exist. Someone has to keep it going and create the future generations to keep the world going when we are pensioners??

So you had your kids out of a sense of duty to the human race? We’re all very grateful to you I’m sure.

@lidon - well seeing as you’ve put such an insightful argument forward I see your point?? I’m assuming you’re not a parent.

Anyway I’ve got stuff to do so I’ll leave you to try to understand my very valid points.

@sb74

I have a number of friends who have gone from very stressful jobs to being full time mums - everything else in their life has remained the same - like for like - their consensus is that looking after kids is a piece of cake compared to a corporate job and their lives are significantly less stressful looking after children.

And to follow your like for like comparison through - in many situations where an external event is causing stress children can be a great source of solace and joy. And in fact make things better rather than harder.

I stand by my point that if you are unable to juggle parenting and washing your hair - your levels of stress from parenting are likely to relate to deficiencies in your inability to manage some aspects of the tasks involved in parenting - rather than parenting itself necessarily being stressful for all parents.

Do you also find your job more stressful than anyone else in the office?

Thank you very much.

I had them because I wanted them. But all this bullshit about, ‘well you wanted them blah blah” it’s true; If everyone chose not to have kids and we all sat there thinking we know it all despite not experiencing it where would we be? I work with people in the NHS but I don’t pretend I know how hard their job is despite them telling me because I’ve never done it.

How arrogant of people to assume they can comment on how hard it is or isn’t doing something they have never done. I’m sick of hearing it all. In fact I’m going it’s Christmas Eve, far better things to do.

I'm a parent and I have enough empathy to imagine that some childless people can be way more stressed than me. Life can be utterly shit no matter what your child situation.

People make their own stress regardless of children or not. I’ve 2 teenage boys (18 and 16), 2 dogs one is a right demanding drama queen and cooking dinner for 11 on Christmas Day ...... no stress here and before anyone comments back I’m not looking for a medal I just don’t do drama or stress

@FFSFFSFFS. Well I think I would find life easy if I stayed at home all day with my kids because that’s not like for like is it? Childress people don’t tend to stay home all day. Again you miss my point. I work full time and am a mum. I’m guessing you’re not a mum as you have to talk about your friends- surprised you have any.

I am a very intelligent capable woman and I know plenty of women who agree with me on parenting and working.

I don’t work I an office. I have a senior job based from home.

I’m used to talking to more intelligent people, sorry i can’t put in more simple terms for you.

Enjoy your Christmas.

@sb74

Would you like a fucking medal?

Competitive tiredness and competitive stress is a sure way to make my eyes glaze over in a conversation. Next time do the head tilt and say “oh poor you, how sad for you.” Then eye roll yourself in to next week, it’s the only way.

@sb74 - the 'argument' is not who has it harder (someone always has it worse than you). The argument is person a says they're tired/stressed/upset and person b says well not as tired/stressed/upset as me because I have kids. Friendship is supposed to be empathetic and caring not a race to see who can have the worst life/most stressful time/be the most upset.

I'm childless (although part of me hasn't quite given up hope) at 43 too.

But I'm very lucky as my relatives, friends & current colleagues are very tactful on the subject, know a bit about my health problems & sympathise.

However a few years ago a colleague said to me 'I've got four children, you don't know what tired is!!'
I could have said well firstly my epilepsy meds are giving me a permanent hangover.
Also could have said, 'but your children are grown up?'
& finally could have said 'so why did you choose to have them'?

But I'm too nice so I didn't say anything.

The only person who sounds arrogant is you sb74, not to mention self pitying, insensitive and completely lacking in imagination and insight.

I would check how your friend was and maybe mention to the other friend that it was an insensitive comment to make