To think this was an an awful comment to makr

[Misscromwellrocks]

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

@ Leighhalfpennysthigh. Thank you x

Why didn't you stand up for her as soon as it was said, instead of ruminating on mumsnet? Dipshit.

Firstly, yes of course it was insensitive and rude but I doubt many parents, mums especially, have sympathy for childless people moaning about being busy as it is very different to being a mum. Especially a working mum. I’m not sure how those without kids can possibly comment on how busy parents are. Having been both a person without kids and now with kids for the last 13 years I can safely say that life with kids is much busier and more stressful for many reasons. I don’t regret it at all and I am lucky to have kids but those without kids really have no idea and it annoys me how parents are criticised for dare saying it’s stressful. How can it not be stressful? If people didn’t have kids then the human race would die out so that’s not a good comment and also until you have them you don’t know what it’s like. Being a parent is bloody hard work but very rewarding. I do try to be sensitive around those without children though, no need to rub people’s noses in it. I’ll await the slamming.

She is right bt there are lots of things which are right but u simply don't say them! No tact or manners.

It was insensitive and it’s not true that having kids is always more stressful than absolutely any other situation in life anyone could possibly encounter. as some people are claiming. The Christmas two years ago when my husband had throat cancer and had to have all his nutrition through a naso gastric tube was pretty stressful, quite possibly more so than festivities with kids. He’s better now, thank goodness. Also, regardless of the kids/no kids issue, life is not a stress competition and it’s rude to rebuff an attempt at empathy by saying ‘oh you couldn’t possibly understand because....’ and then fill in your own reason why the other person and their life is less important than yours. It was a needlessly rude reply when she could have responded gracefully. Either she was having a moment or she’s not nice,

Feel torn on this one

It was hurtful though

I guess it depends on kids ages but with young ones obviously you are more likely to have disturbed sleep, feeding etc which can add to stress of stuff

But she should never had said that in that way

Rude, thoughtless and insensitive. Can't say Christmas with my dc was in any way more stressful or tiring than without him either.

"those without kids really have no idea"

Just because you lacked empathy and intelligence before you had kids, doesn't mean other childless people do

Not RTFT.
When I hear this comment I always say " If you regret having them, they can come and live with me"

@AwakeAmbs

you don't think that there are other things that could make Christmas as stressful or more stressful than having young children who don't sleep well.

Would be nice to be you....

@bee222

Insensitive and wrong

I have a 4 yo and 11 day old twins, yes tomorrow will be slightly crazy but I'm only catering for 3 adults and a 4 yo, no hospital runs, no trips to a care home, no grieving over a loss this year, ot even catering for a ton of people and their associated mess.

@fishfingerface but how do you know? You’ve not had kids so you don’t know what it’s like? No amount of any other experience with kids let’s you know what being a parent is like. But thanks for your comments. There’s nothing wrong with my intelligence.

It was insensitive it’s not a competition most people who have loved ones have a lot to do and stress over this time I find I have less family demands of me now I’m a mum whereas I had to help out with everything before (when I wasn’t at work)

Insensitive and wrong.

My busiest and most stressful Christmases were before becoming a mother.

I agree with the PP who suggested ringing the single lady to check she's ok.

Shouldn’t be a top trumps for Christmas stress at all. I have 3 DC one with ASD, I’ve been a bit stressy trying to get the house nice and tidy but that’s my own issue. I’ve enjoyed all the shopping, wrapping, activities and Christmas traditions we have. We’ve got lots of extended family dropping by tomorrow but only the 5 of us staying put for dinner. If I had to cater Christmas dinner for so many that would make me very busy and stressed.

Your friend should be allowed to have a little moan about how busy she is, parents don’t own Christmas or general stress. Your tactless friend needs to develop her empathy skills.

If she knew that 43yr old friend had wanted kids then it was insensitive but plenty choose not to have kids I. Which case it want.
She’s right though - Xmas is so chilled once the kids are grown up, let alone not having any.

I have two DC who are teen / preteen and currently lounging around watching videos whilst I MN. I have started to prep food and will do a bit more later. I am utterly unstressed.

Having had to bury a close family member on Christmas Eve quite a few years ago I can say for certain that doing Christmas for children is not the most stressful way to spend Christmas by a very long way.

Yes, it's less stressful and less hassle but also less pleasure in some ways, especially if the person wants children but hasn't had them.Saying it is extremely insensitive.

@RainRainGoAwayComeAgain You are totally insensitive. Have a good long think.

The scale of oneupmanship from some women who have kids over those who haven't is just at Xmas time.

OP, I'm with you that the remarks were horribly thoughtless and tasteless. I hope your friend is feeling ok. I'm not surprised she went quiet. Cant believe a PP who called that sulking, either.

I think theres a misunderstanding on saying it’s harder being a parent. Like for like in daily life, it’s harder having kids because you’re trying to do everything you would without kids (partying aside most of the time) whilst looking after dependant little people who often sideline your plans, are often different ages, different needs and personalities, whilst trying to keep on top of work, home, washing and bringing up decent adults, as well as cope with the financial demands of a family, to name but a few challenges. The exhaustion of sleepless nights on occasion,, esp when kids are young and running around like an idiot to try to keep up doesn’t really help either.

Yes of course there are acute situations that are more stressful in themselves than being a parent but parents also have these issues and difficult situations, made harder still by trying to look after children too.

Of course those without children sometimes have to deal with awful and stressful situations, especially I would imagine this time of year if children were wanted - but if you compare like for like situations it’s harder for parents because we have other people to consider and look after on top of dealing with additional stress like illness etc. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for childless people to understand that if they had to do everything they currently do it would be made a lot harder by having children too. Of course no-one knows what it’s really like until they have kids themselves but having been on both sides, like all parents who know the difference too, life has been a lot more fraught since being a mum. Lovely in many ways but complete madness and exhausting.

All parents are lucky to have their offspring, of course they are, but it’s hard work and constant, it’s much easier to run your life when it’s just you to think of and maybe your partner or helping family occasionally.

I do agree that it’s completely wrong of your friend to have upset your other friend. I would never behave in that way. Some woman are quite nasty at times.

Most parents choose to be parents so in my book that takes away our right to moan to non parents about how much harder our lives are than theirs. Our choice; our problem.

Not really. If we didn’t have kids the human race would not exist. Someone has to keep it going and create the future generations to keep the world going when we are pensioners??