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AIBU?

To think this was an an awful comment to makr

280 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 12:17

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2162 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
TryingAndFailing39 · 25/12/2019 19:34

@Misscromwellrocks huge apologies to you too. I hadn’t read the thread properly and I reacted to the pp’s comment without reading the full context. I am devastated to have been so offensive and am really sorry

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fluffiny31 · 25/12/2019 20:13

I get 'you should be thankful you don't have 2' when they know full on well I've lost 2 and although 2 would be bloody hard I would love my babies here. Sometimes people don't think.

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Rache49 · 25/12/2019 21:23

I don't have Children so I can only imagine that there are more demands on people who do and have things coming at them from all directions, what with School concerts and nativities etc plus the endless demands for the latest toy or techy thing they have seen on telly or in the shops. The OP doesn't mention that the woman can't have children, she just hasn't met the right man. I for one would NOT be offended at that comment .

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Rache49 · 25/12/2019 21:29

Ifeelinclined
I don't have Children by Choice so I can only imagine what demands are put on parents this time of year. We have different stresses to those who have Children. I am sorry you have had such a difficult time this year and I hope 2020 is kinder to your Family and you.

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SerenDippitty · 25/12/2019 21:47

The OP doesn't mention that the woman can't have children, she just hasn't met the right man. I for one would NOT be offended at that comment .

Whether she can or can’t is beside the point. She’d have liked them but it hasn’t happened and it’s not likely to now. That’s why the comment was insensitive.

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Devora13 · 25/12/2019 23:53

I'm sure no one intended to deliberately be insensitive. While it is very sad for your friend that she hasn't met the right person to have a family with, equally the other person was not wrong in pointing out that 'I know how you feel' is ingenuous if someone cannot empathise from a lived point of view.

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ItsReallyNotOk · 26/12/2019 00:18

@TryingAndFailing39 - you tried and failed to upset me/be rude to me/make me cry/whatever you were trying to do
as I didn't get to read your masterpiece as it appears @Misscromwellrocks or some other poster kindly reported your post and it was deleted before I had the opportunity to read it.

In addition to the Blue Badge perk, people get themselves a terminal illness or a disability so they're 'always too busy being ill to work/have a shower etc' so I was painting the porcelain, and making a masterpiece of my own in the loo so I didn't get chance to read it, but thank you very much for taking the time to apologise after.

I've just had my 'Last Christmas' with George so I've finally realised what's important - we're finally joining North Korea and America with Boris - Donald Duck/Trump and Kim Jong-un.

Thanks @Misscromwellrocks @Dagnabit @bringincrazyback @Ihatemyseleffordoingthis @StealthPolarBear @WakeyShakey
for your kindness.

I wish you all a very happy New Year and I hope your 2020 is fabulous!

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Ifeelinclined · 26/12/2019 02:10

Thank you @Rache49. It's been a tough few weeks. I didn't mean to rant like I did. I guess I just really took some of these comments personally, and I shouldn't have. Blessings to your family in 2020 as well.

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Misscromwellrocks · 26/12/2019 08:26

@TryingAndFailing39

Thanks for being so gracious. Sometimes don't read a post properly myself Flowers

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Misscromwellrocks · 26/12/2019 08:39

To the people saying that thins are always much harder when you have children _
if you were heartbroken over the recent death of your parent or partner and a friend said "oh it was much harder for me when my mum/husband died because I don't have children" how would you feel?

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PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2019 09:10

I don’t think it’s thoughtless and/or insensitive, I think it’s downright deliberately mean and intended to be hurtful, an unsubtle way of saying “my life is more important than yours”.

This is absolutely right.

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Daisydrum · 26/12/2019 09:54

This is all we need:
empathy
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

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Ginger1982 · 26/12/2019 15:12

"I don't understand why childless people are sometimes so sensitive around the issue of having children. Parents can't hide children away, just in case they offend someone with their existence. They come up in conversation and are part of life."

ODFOD

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ASimpleLampoon · 26/12/2019 21:11

It's not only rude and insensitive but untrue. I have children one of whom is autistic with high support needs but I choose to have a low key christmas. Your friend is probably much more busy than I am.

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GetOut · 26/12/2019 23:39

So you had your kids out of a sense of duty to the human race? We’re all very grateful to you I’m sure

That made me Grin


I've played a part in keeping the human race going by not killing insensitive twats. Do I get a medal?

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WaterOffADucksCrack · 29/12/2019 18:05

I've been on both sides so I'll comment. I found the grief of losing any single one of my 5 babies so much harder than my life now with 2 children and 1 stepson, even whilst I was caring for elderly grandparents. I know how blessed I am. I do get tired but no more than before I had children!

Flowers to all those struggling with whatever their struggles may be.

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Misscromwellrocks · 29/12/2019 19:41

Totally agree Ginger. Talk about someone missing the point of a thread. Hope she doesn't go around talking about how motherhood has given her so much empathy.

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AlessandraBumbrosio · 30/12/2019 07:57

It was insensitive but absolutely true.

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Dolorabelle · 30/12/2019 08:09

It was insensitive but absolutely true

And once again - irony doesn't quite cover it. Are there posters with so little comprehension or self-knowledge?

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Rezie · 30/12/2019 08:10

That's such a stupid thing to say. Every week at work i hear something that will end with "because you dont have children". I'm tempted to respond with "well, I shouldn't be punished because I know how to use a condom". It's never related where children are actually relevant. The parents was being rude. It's ridiculous to make things into competition.

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AlessandraBumbrosio · 30/12/2019 08:25

It is exactly because i have the comprehension and knowledge of both life pre and post children that i can say this.

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AlessandraBumbrosio · 30/12/2019 08:28

Rezie thats a vile and crude thing to say.

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Rezie · 30/12/2019 08:29

It is exactly because i have the comprehension and knowledge of both life pre and post children that i can say this.
You only know that is the case for you. People (even friends) don't often know what is going on with the other person. It's just rude to make generalized assumptions on subjective matters based on personal experience.

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Rezie · 30/12/2019 08:31

Rezie thats a vile and crude thing to say.
I know and therefore I don't say it. Also youbare right that I should have kept the thought to myself even on an online forum. It just gets really old when every week a simple small talk situation turns into "but you dont have kids" when it's totally irrelevant.

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SerenDippitty · 30/12/2019 08:36

It is exactly because i have the comprehension and knowledge of both life pre and post children that i can say this.

Life pre children and life without children are different things.

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