My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To think this was an an awful comment to makr

280 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 12:17

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

2162 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
AdelaideK · 23/12/2019 12:42

I have kids. I've been busy buying them presents and wrapping them.

My sister doesn't have kids but is having 12 of us for Christmas dinner. She also has presents to buy.

She's busier and more stressed than I am.

Report
Sparklybaublefest · 23/12/2019 12:42

rude, but perhaps all her stress is making her speak without thinking

Report
lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/12/2019 12:42

Oh my ex BIL and SIL were like this. So tedious. ‘I’m so tired today, sorry’ would always get a ‘ohhh you don’t know what tired is’ even when I was super jet lagged having just flown back from the US overnight.

They’d ask what I’d been up to and then no matter what I said they would react with ‘oh that sounds nice, we haven’t done that since we had kids, lucky you’.

Sometimes I used to snap and just say ‘yeah I’m sorry, having kids sounds so shit’ then of course they’d back-pedal and say that they’d never have it any other way.

Report
Sparklybaublefest · 23/12/2019 12:43

and she is wrong, you dont have to have kids to feel stressed at christmas!

Report
VanyaHargreeves · 23/12/2019 12:44

If she went very quiet it was probably a dagger to her.

Absolutely no need of the other woman to force the upper hand by playing Superior Procreator.

Report
FFSFFSFFS · 23/12/2019 12:44

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for

In what way? Lots of reasons that can make Christmas very hard which have nothing to do with children.

Are you aware how lacking in insight that comment is?

Report
Newkitchen123 · 23/12/2019 12:45

Tell them to try caring for elderly parents.
Tell them to try working for the emergency services or a job where time off in December isn't allowed
Tell them to sit in the clinic with a woman who has been told she can't have kids
Tell them to host Christmas Dinner for someone else's family with kids when they're used to their own space
Kids are not the only source of stress

Report
Sparklybaublefest · 23/12/2019 12:46

my dd is home from university my other dd is due home at any time, we have one car and i will be busy working later.
My stress levels are through the roof!

Report
MsChnandlerBong · 23/12/2019 12:48

Horrible insensitive tactless thing to say. If someone said something like that in front of me I would absolutely pull them up on it. Cannot abide these kinds of people. Much like the ones who pop up on these threads. Bore off.

Report
MsChnandlerBong · 23/12/2019 12:49

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for

Rubbish. Oh, and if it's soooo difficult then don't bloody have kids!

Report
ReanimatedSGB · 23/12/2019 12:50

It's just thoughtlessness. The person who said it is probably unimaginative and desperately conformist. Hope your friend is able to shrug it off as just some nonsense from a stupid mundane.

Report
MitziK · 23/12/2019 12:52

@MaidenMotherCrone How many children do you have? Because unless you've got twenty of them, there will always be somebody around to tell you that you've got it easy compared to doing Christmas with 4/5/6/10 children/3 with special needs three sets of multiples, etc.

I never understood what the hardship was with doing Christmas for kids, compared to the rest of the year, anyhow. You buy and wrap the presents in advance, get as much sleep as you can, make sure they've got something to open and play with at the foot of their beds first thing, give them food, switch on the TV and get the main meal started, having prepared as much as possible in advance. And the more kids you have, the earlier you start buying.

Planning parties and entertaining, however - that's hard.

Report
MarshaBradyo · 23/12/2019 12:52

That isn’t kind and if she went quiet then she most likely felt it. Someone should have replied to help her out.

Report
ACouchOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 12:58

Perhaps the friend who commented isn't as aware of the other one's struggles as you are. Her comment was tactless but I don't think it was 'awful'.

Report
EmbarrassingMama · 23/12/2019 13:00

But having kids is fucking knackering and you can’t ever take a day off, so even if you’re hosting 10 people for dinner, including kids, it still isn’t as tiring as actually having them. For example, you don’t need to give two hoots about what they’re eating, when they’re napping, where they are, what they might be about to launch themselves off and, if they wake up six times in the night you can just roll over and go back to sleep, safe in the knowledge they’re not your problem and that someone else will see to them.

The comment was highly insensitive, but the reason people come out with this shite in the first place is because they aren’t thinking (probably due to XX number of years with no sleep).

Report
HavelockVetinari · 23/12/2019 13:07

I think some parents on here are Elevenerifers (if a childfree person has been to Tenerife, they've been to Elevenerife). This might come in handy.

Yes, having kids can be tiring but SO CAN LOTS OF OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE.

To think this was an an awful comment to makr
Report
CanaryFish · 23/12/2019 13:08

The thing is @RealMermaid, people like that will still try to one up you any chance they get . So when you say “oh you wouldn’t understand because you don’t have a newborn “ they’ll just say “ oh god I remember when little Johnny was that age and he did this that the other god it was EXHAUSTING and we had little billy who was going through the terrible twos as well” and so on.
Or they’ll just say stuff like “oh if goes by so fast cherish every moment “
Or worse again: “Really? Little Johnny was a BREEZE at that age , just pop him in a sling and get on with running that marathon (or whatever it is)” while conveniently forgetting everytime they moaned about being tired

Ugh people 😂😂😂

Report
teentree · 23/12/2019 13:08

I don't think it's insensitive. It's merely factual that they don't have kids. People are far to quick to be offended. It's literally a fact.

Report
MustardScreams · 23/12/2019 13:09

Oh yeah it’s totally acceptable to be a knob to others because your kids don’t sleep Hmm

Report
Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 23/12/2019 13:16

How bloody rude.

Also not true. Christmas with children is one kind of stressful. There are plenty of others.

I don't know what makes some people think that the world revolves around their children and that no other way of life can possibly be as important.

Report
MissDew · 23/12/2019 13:17

Single mum to 3 year old dd, work full time. I would never be so arrogant as to think I had the monopoly on stress just because I have a kid.

People find different things tiring and stressful shocker. Having kids doesn’t mean your life is any harder than anyone else, for a multitude of reasons.


The rarest of things - an honest parent.

Report
SunshineAngel · 23/12/2019 13:19

It pisses me off when anyone has this kind of oneupmanship about Christmas. It is honestly as stressful as YOU make it. If you don't want to cook for everyone, go out. If you don't want to buy loads of presents, either don't, or get them all online in advance.

You can have a perfectly special Christmas without stressing yourself out to breaking point. And to brag (because that's what this is!) about how stressed you are, and how big and extravagant your Christmas is going to be? Nah.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2019 13:20

I don't think it's insensitive. It's merely factual that they don't have kids. People are far to quick to be offended. It's literally a fact.

What isn’t factual is that OP’s friend doesn’t have a similar level of stress/hassle just because she doesn’t have kids, which is what was being implied.

Report
ItsReallyNotOk · 23/12/2019 13:23

@MaidenMotherCrone
Ah bless you little princess - you don't know what tired is until you have an aggressive, terminal, muscle-wasting disease. Every breath is like running a marathon, every movement is excruciating. Eating with a knife and fork makes me tired but I still have to do all the things that everyone else does but on my own as my husband left me when I got sick.
My first illness was 2004 so I haven't slept a full night since then so unless your 15 year old still isn't sleeping through the night I'll raise you on little Tarquin Atticus Nimrod hasn't slept through the night since he was born, to 15 years of sleepless nights - and it doesn't count if you're constantly having more Tarquins.

I can't sleep lying down as I may choke to death so any sleep I do manage to get is when I'm sat upright so when I say I haven't slept through the night since 2004 it's true as I haven't choked yet.

@EmbarrassingMama - do you think I can say 'hey terminal illness I want the day off today, so do one?'
And you only wake 6 times a night? That's nothing Princess! Try 112!

This will be my last Christmas so you might get chance to have more sleepless years than me soon!

Report
AppropriateAdult · 23/12/2019 13:23

It lacked tact but I doubt the person who said it meant to be rude.

Well, people rarely mean to be rude. It’s not really an excuse, though.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.