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AIBU?

To think this was an an awful comment to makr

280 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 12:17

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

OP posts:
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Ticklemeelmo · 23/12/2019 20:18

It's tactless and patronising, unfortunately this thread also seems to have been a magnet for these types Xmas Hmm

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SerenDippitty · 23/12/2019 20:22

Some depressingly insensitive comments on here. Wonder if they're by the same people who like to expound on how parenthood makes you sooo much less selfish hmm

or indeed those who liketo expound that children make Christmas.

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Yetanotherwinter · 23/12/2019 20:43

I’ve got 57 children. Now that’s hard work 😶

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UnaCorda · 23/12/2019 20:48

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for

Harder than what?? Harder than being single not by choice at christmas? Harder than knowing you'll never celebrate Christmas with your own children? Harder than spending it on your own? Harder than having a joyless time with relatives out of a sense of duty?

Not to mention spending Christmas in hospital, or having been recently bereaved, or having been diagnosed with a terminal disease, or being homeless, etc., etc.

The difference is that in the vast majority of cases people choose to have children and actively look forward to enjoying Christmas with them.

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Buxx · 23/12/2019 21:06

This type of thread always reminds me of this monty python sketch Grin



Peace and love all Xmas Smile
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Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 21:45

"it is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for"

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with elderly and Ill parents to care for/with a serious illness to cope with/when you're struggling financially/when a relationship has just broken down /when you're lonely or far away from family and yes..... When you're involuntarily childless and surrounded by all the nostalgia of Christmas.

Grow up, open your eyes and stop being so selfish.

OP posts:
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Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 21:57

Also laughing at the person who says Christmas is so much harder now and she doesn't get to spend Christmas Eve in the pub anymore.

My heart is bleeding for her. She puts everyone else's problems to shame.

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Dolorabelle · 24/12/2019 03:05

Wonder if they're by the same people who like to expound on how parenthood makes you sooo much less selfish

I always think that people who say this must have led shallow selfish lives before they had children.

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NewInTown08 · 24/12/2019 03:31

Very insensitive and rude!

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Bluerussian · 24/12/2019 04:10

Unbelievably insensitive remark, quite horrible. I hope the friend who uttered it is told plainly how and why it was not the thing to say!

I had a friend like that, unbelievably sensitive about anything said to her but would dish out the most tactless and stupid comments. I put up with her for a while (obviously she had good points), but she did go too far in the end and is no longer a friend. I do not miss her!

It's not too late for your tactless friend to change her ways, it was for mine.

Youngsters, teens and early 20s, often say whatever comes into their heads, ask nosy questions etc ( examples: why haven't you had children, don't you like them? Why have you only got one child? That sort of thing), until they learn tact. No excuse for your friend.

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FiveShelties · 24/12/2019 04:11

A relative asked me 'if I felt less of a woman because I could not have children?'

It is one of the only a few times I have been lost for words - afterwards I thought of all sorts of answers I could have given her but I wish I had just managed to get a simple 'fuck off' out.

I hope your friend is ok OP. Christmas can be difficult with no children or grandchildren around.

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finn1020 · 24/12/2019 04:13

The person with the kids is self centred and thick if she seems to think that anyone without kids could never be as busy and tired and stressed as her, what rubbish. Those types usually live in a very small world and arent very interesting either, everything is about them and their family.

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Lizzieee2727 · 24/12/2019 05:44

Urgh I hate these sorts of comments. Just

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Lizzieee2727 · 24/12/2019 05:49

The same as 'you don't know what tired is until you have children'. I've had chronic insomnia for the best part of a decade and through pregnancy, it has become more apparent! I can count on one hand the number of 'good' nights sleep I've had this year.
I'd have thought too, trying to organise a Christmas to suit everyone (your friend) would be more stressful having not got children, as those for who have them it's the norm?
In any case I don't think it's a fair comment to make and I'd have been upset too.

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SerenDippitty · 24/12/2019 11:52

A relative asked me 'if I felt less of a woman because I could not have children?'

It is one of the only a few times I have been lost for words - afterwards I thought of all sorts of answers I could have given her but I wish I had just managed to get a simple 'fuck off' out.


That is just shocking. What is people’s motivation for asking such questions?

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/12/2019 14:12

That is just shocking. What is people’s motivation for asking such questions?

We're not the "norm" so apparently that means we can be subject to all sorts of intrusive questions, insensitive comments and judgements about our lifestyles.

Not to mention being excluded on a regular basis, patronised because we are obviously not adults with adult responsibilities and to,d we don't know what love is.

Some of the posts on this thread have even added to that - the ones that ad,tired it was insensitive but claimed it was true. How the fuck do they know, that's what I'd like to know.

My wish for 2020 is that when women talk about supporting each other, they remember that actually we're women too and support us as well.

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YouretheChristmasCarcass · 24/12/2019 14:49

I had a friend who seriously felt that every woman should have at least one child. NO exceptions. When I asked her about women who didn't want children she said they didn't 'get it' and once they'd had a child they'd be glad they did. Scary. It's not a 'biological imperative', it's a choice for some and a sorrow for others who want children and did not/cannot have them.

Xmas isn't 'harder' with children, it's just different. Maybe a bit faster paced or perhaps less time to get ready but it's not 'harder'. Hard is for those who have ill friends or relatives. Harder still is for the recently bereaved or those spending the holidays alone (not by choice). Those of us who are spending the days surrounded by healthy families and loved ones need to STFU about how 'busy' we are and just be thankful we have a reason to be busy.

I now yield my soap box to the next speaker.

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/12/2019 14:52

Those of us who are spending the days surrounded by healthy families and loved ones need to STFU about how 'busy' we are and just be thankful we have a reason to be busy.

This says it all. Thank you. Wine

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YouretheChristmasCarcass · 24/12/2019 15:04

🍷🍷 back to you Leigh. Merry, bright, and happy days to you and all.

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bee222 · 24/12/2019 15:07

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for

Oh boohoo! Try spending Christmas after suffering recurring late miscarriages, and worrying you will never have children to care for and share Christmas with.

It must be so difficult organising Christmas for your kids with all those gifts to wrap, nativity plays to attend and Santa trips. You must be so tired. My heart is bleeding for you at this difficult time of year.

I’m currently in bed on Christmas Eve crying my eyes out after yet another miscarriage. At least I’m getting some nice rest, unlike you with your children to look after. You poor thing!

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AntiHop · 24/12/2019 15:09

Thoughtless and tactless.

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TheSultanofPingu · 24/12/2019 15:14

I would never ever say anything like that to anyone, but I must admit that Christmas is SO much easier now that mine are adults/almost adult.

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TheSultanofPingu · 24/12/2019 15:18

My post comes across as insensitive, sorry Sad

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/12/2019 16:08

@bee222 no words, just Thanks

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/12/2019 16:09

@TheSultanofPingu you are allowed to say that as you are talking about your Christmas and not making wide generalisations.

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