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AIBU?

To think this was an an awful comment to makr

280 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 12:17

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 23/12/2019 16:38

Yes, it's horrible, insensitive and something we get all the time from parents.

Everyone has the right to feel,tired, stressed, overwhelmed and busy by life. Top trumps is generally just a race to the bottom.

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BacktoMA · 23/12/2019 16:41

@Misscromwellrocks I hope you pulled up your friend for the comment she made given you noticed how it affected your other friend. I'm going to guess not well enough if at all if it affected her for the rest of the night.

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billy1966 · 23/12/2019 16:41

Rude, tactless, dense!

Know one EVER knows for sure what is going on with another person.

Indeed, some people do work very hard to move on from what they hoped their life would be like if they had been able to have children, and manage it.

For others, the just are not able, and they carry that pain and regret, with them always.

Either way, I think both groups can do with out the tactless shite some people go on with.... " you wouldn't know, you don't have children".🙄

Thankfully, I don't seem to come across people like this. But if I did, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them to give it a rest.🙄

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formerbabe · 23/12/2019 16:42

It's true but it shouldn't have been said.

Having lots of people over for Christmas is hard work and stressful.

If you have children as well, it's even more hard work and stressful.

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Armadillostoes · 23/12/2019 16:43

YANBU-and it's a shame for humanity that the empathy deficient moron who made that comment is a parent. Would the people with children care to swap places would a person involuntarily childless? No? Well then show a crumb of compassion.

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 23/12/2019 16:55

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for

Not necessarily. There are many many things that make Christmas hard for people. If you don't have children you miss out on so much of Christmas - the nativity plays, the trips to the grotto, the panto, the sheer magic. Knowing that you are always going to be locked out of that world and never experience it - that's fucking hard.

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Josette77 · 23/12/2019 17:04

Just to be clear - Was it the friend without kids who was complaining about all the hosting she is doing and the friend without kids who said she knows she feels?
It's not a nice comment either way I'm just wondering if the overwhelmed friend was annoyed when she was venting? If it was the friend without kids doing all the hosting and being overwhelmed it is incredibly insensitive.

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Josette77 · 23/12/2019 17:05

Sorry I meant in my first sentence the friend with kids who was complaining?

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vincettenoir · 23/12/2019 17:07

YNBU. It was insensitive and in my view also stupid and short sighted.

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Ginger1982 · 23/12/2019 17:12

"But having children does make any hard time you are having harder, it just does."

People choose to have kids though. You can't go 'poor me, it's so much harder for me because I have kids.' And I say that as a parent myself.

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vincettenoir · 23/12/2019 17:13

I don’t agree actually agree that it’s true. Before kids I remember a Xmas where I had a meltdown because I had been out 8 nights in a row, was working round the clock to meet targets at work and was forcing myself to work out multiple times each week too alongside a number of other pressures. Since then I decided to keep Xmas more simple in the future and by and large I have.

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NaviSprite · 23/12/2019 17:14

I’m a parent and my twins are only 2yo so I can’t comment to all the stuff parents do with older children but I say YANBU OP.

Everybody has their stresses to deal with and their crosses to bear, this time of year can be hard in a myriad of different ways for different people and comparing who is more stressed/tired - whatever - than the other, just seems like a cry for attention IMHO.

I think that the friend who made the comment was being insensitive if she and your other friend are close enough for her to know that the other wanted a family but it just hasn’t happened for her.

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Rainbunny · 23/12/2019 17:15

It was hurtful and I don't buy that she was just being 'thoughtless." Even if it hadn't occurred to her that her comment would be pouring salt into the wound of your friend about being childless, it was definitely a comment to devalue the time and effort your friend is making to host christmas and to place herself in a superior "I have to juggle so much more" category.

I can't fucking stand people like this.

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Ginger1982 · 23/12/2019 17:15

"I’d have thought at 43 she’s given up and moved on, I have a relative in her 40s who wanted kids but her partner never did so they didn’t, I’d never think about her still feeling upset now, she’s 44."

What a mean thing to say. I take it having kids came easy to you then 🙄

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Tinytimoteo · 23/12/2019 17:17

It reqlly absolutely not the same if you dont have kids and i speak in how my life was before and after kids if youve never had kids you really dont know, i have experienced both therefor i do know it is verrrry different. Its insensitive though.

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GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 17:33

@Tinytimoteo a lot of us have kids here and have different experiences to you

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MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2019 17:39

@SquashedOrange

So let me ask you this: would you ever, ever seriously swap having your children for the relative ease (as you see it) of childlessness? Because if OP’s friend has always wanted a family I dearsay she would gladly and willingly swap her childless benefits for the joy of her own children. She would take all of those drawbacks you mention on the chin, just as you do because that’s what parents do.

It’s a truly horrible thing to say to someone who has, for whatever reason, been unable to have DC. It just is.

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 23/12/2019 17:42

a lot of us have kids here and have different experiences to you

Not all people without kids have the same experience either. For some life still absolutely is about fun and holidays and that's fine, for others, including me, it's round after round of stress. I run a business, I'm caring for a terminally ill relative and ,y elderly father. Someone once told me, as I was in the middle of a breakdown at work, that at least I didn't have kids on top - whilst yeah, I knew it was true but fucks sake I just wanted to vent about my stress, my worry, my difficult life without a parent always having things worse.

And actually for many people who have kids at a relatively young age who go on about how they know what it's like not to have children. No, you don't. You knew what it was like for you, when you were young. You don't know what it's like for someone over 40 who has had to come to terms with infertility.

Few people sail through life with no stress or hard days. Kids or not. Sometimes it's about showing a bit of compassion and understanding to the person who, for whatever reason is having a rough time without making them feel shit.

There are so many people I wish I'd told to fuck off when I was younger.

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SquashedOrange · 23/12/2019 18:03

@MatildaTheCat

Of course not, that's all part of the wonder of children. The best, yet hardest thing most people will ever do.

Which is why it's so hard to admit you're struggling. You're clearly a martyr- 'you chose to have those children and should think yourself lucky!'

But as I said in my original post, I still don't think it's a nice thing to say because clearly it upsets people.

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Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 18:47

Thanks for all the replies. @ItsReallyNotOk so sorry and I hope this Christmas will create special and enduring memories for your loved ones.

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MustardScreams · 23/12/2019 18:49

@Tinytimoteo that’s YOUR life though, no one else’s.

My life is a million times easier and less stressful since having dd.

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Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/12/2019 18:59

@reallychristmasaaagain - sorry - misconstrued your post, it read like you were supporting the insensitive woman!

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yellowallpaper · 23/12/2019 19:14

Horribly insensitive. If she had an ounce of decency she would text the lady and apologise.

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Frouby · 23/12/2019 19:17

I have dcs. I used to host people Christmas day, up to about 20 people at one point mainly because I didn't have kids. I always found those Christmas days more stressful than now when I don't host anyone.

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Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 20:11

Some depressingly insensitive comments on here. Wonder if they're by the same people who like to expound on how parenthood makes you sooo much less selfish Hmm

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