Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an an awful comment to makr

280 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 23/12/2019 12:17

A friend of mine is having her parents and several siblings and nieces and nephews for Christmas Dinner.
A few of us were out last night and one of them remarked how busy she was and how much she still had to do. My friend said something like Oh I know how you feel and the response was 'well in fairness you don't have kids so it's not the same stress and hassle'.

My friend would love to have children and is a brilliant aunt but just hasn't met the right person and is now 43. She went very quiet and I could see she was trying to force herself to join in and be sociable for the rest of the night.

Aibu to think it was an insensitive and rude comment to make?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 23/12/2019 12:19

I would say it was insensitive and ill thought out. Maybe call the friend who was on the receiving end of it today to check she is OK?

onanothertrain · 23/12/2019 12:22

I agree, people with kids come out with this pish all the time.

Lockheart · 23/12/2019 12:22

It lacked tact but I doubt the person who said it meant to be rude.

Excited101 · 23/12/2019 12:22

I’m worried that one day that’ll be me, comments like that are so insensitive.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 23/12/2019 12:22

Yes it was thoughtless

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 23/12/2019 12:22

YANBU. Regardless of whether she longs for children or not, it's really annoying when childfree people get told they can't possibly be as busy or stressed as those with children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 12:23

Horrible, thoughtless, insensitive. Your poor friend. Did no one tell stupid friend she was being a dick at the time? That’s more helpful than ruminating after the fact.

RealMermaid · 23/12/2019 12:23

Some parents can be so insensitive with comments like this. My BIL and SIL used to use "oh you wouldn't understand, you don't have kids" literally ALL the time, to excuse them doing whatever the hell they fancied and not thinking about other people. Not only was it pretty frustrating, but due to some medical issues it was a very questionable as to whether I could have kids at all (which they were aware of) so felt very insensitive. Currently 35 weeks pregnant and the fact they won't be able to say that any more is just one very small extra bonus that comes with baby! I've said to DH I might start cracking out "oh you wouldn't understand, you don't have a newborn/baby/toddler" etc once baby's arrived, just to finally get my own back lol.

ParkheadParadise · 23/12/2019 12:23

Did no one say at the time her comment was bullshit?

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 12:24

Its insensitive, she still has lots to organise for christmas. She could have said something rather than sulking for the rest of the night though

SquareAsABlock · 23/12/2019 12:24

Ouch, very hurtful comment (though hopefully unintentionally and a foot-in-mouth moment). Have you checked in with your friend today? People can get quite arsy this time of year, it becomes a top-trumps of who's more stressed unfortunately.

MaidenMotherCrone · 23/12/2019 12:24

Tactless yes. She was right though.

MustardScreams · 23/12/2019 12:26

Oh I hate parents that do this. Like child-free people can’t be busy/tired/stressed.

Libertylee · 23/12/2019 12:26

Not unreasonable at all - very insensitive and hurtful for your friend.

MustardScreams · 23/12/2019 12:27

@MaidenMotherCrone how was she right?! Ffs you’re one of them Hmm

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 12:29

Yes, it was insensitive - I echo the comment above about calling your (offended) friend to check in that she is OK today,

Depends how strong/frequent the meetup with the same group of friends are, but maybe think about letting the other friend know that her comments were quite hurtful. I doubt that the comment was intended to be - and person that made the comment may well not have noticed the impact - or associated the change in persons behaviour to be a direct result of her off the cuff comment.

ToastyFingers · 23/12/2019 12:30

It was very insensitive but it is true. In normal circumstances, people with children are much busier at Christmas, and any scenario that would make a childfree person busy, is likely to still happen to someone with children too!

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 12:30

It is true that Christmas is a lot harder with children to care for. But not really acceptable to say.

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 23/12/2019 12:31

Maiden You can't possibly know that. The OP said her friend was hosting multiple relatives, including children - just not her own children. That sounds - potentially - even more stressful than someone who'd be having Christmas with just their own children, but in any case, it shouldn't be top trumps - we should be able to acknowledge that other people can be stressed, without trying to beat them at it.

AllergicToAMop · 23/12/2019 12:31

Ah. The "You don't know what tired is if you don't have children" Christmas edition🙄

maddiemookins16mum · 23/12/2019 12:32

Yep, the usual cruel comments to those without wains.
It’s heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of these.

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 12:33

@RealMermaid - congratulations Xmas Smile

and do return the "you wouldn't understand" Xmas Grin

MustardScreams · 23/12/2019 12:34

Single mum to 3 year old dd, work full time. I would never be so arrogant as to think I had the monopoly on stress just because I have a kid.

People find different things tiring and stressful shocker. Having kids doesn’t mean your life is any harder than anyone else, for a multitude of reasons.

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 23/12/2019 12:35

Ah. The "You don't know what tired is if you don't have children" Christmas edition🙄

Anyone want to start a bingo card?

Karwomannghia · 23/12/2019 12:39

The nasty comment sounds a bit attention seeking to me. YANBU