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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I want to put myself through this again AIBU?

157 replies

Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:20

I’ll try to keep it brief. Two years ago my parents organised and paid for an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for my family (me, DH and two kids, my single Brother and my other brother, SIL and their two kids.

To be honest the location was amazing, but in the end we had to just make the best of it because my SIL made it unbearable. We all had to dance to her tune, she was so rude/uptight and it ruined the holiday for me as most of it seemed to be directed at me and my mum. Things she did were:

  • refused to go for a walk or spa treatment or lunch with me and my mum the entire trip due to a million different ridiculous reasons.
  • Dictated our eating time so we had to eat dinner at 5pm (and start preparing at 4.30pm) EVERY SINGLE NiGHT!
  • Never wanted her kids to hang out with ours (too tired, need a snack, don’t like x,y,z)
  • Turned down our offers to babysit so her and my brother could enjoy a night out.
  • Didn’t come to the animal safari *Didnt come to the waterpark
  • Didn’t come to the beach *Didnt want the kids to all have a spa together. *Rudely refused an ice cream for her kids after we had been out in the heat all day

Honestly I could go on and on.

I made such an effort to be nice, kind, accomodating and I’ve never experienced such rudeness. And she was very rude to my mum which was worse.

No one said anything at the time as it would have been even more awkward but now my dad is making noises about a group holiday again.

I will go but feel we need to lay down some ground rules as in “we are not pandering to SILs every whim!”

What do you all think?

OP posts:
anxioussue · 23/12/2019 06:22

Go but don't expect anything from your sil re going out and let her have dinner early but say that you will be not.

Babyfg · 23/12/2019 06:28

Just enjoy your holiday. If you want to invite her to what you're doing invite her, if not just carry on with what your doing. Say good morning to her and then carry on with your day as you planned and tell her to save you some dinner.

Ylvamoon · 23/12/2019 06:29

Compromise? One day dinner early... next late?
As for Spa treatments & Co I'd just let her get on with it. I bet you have a lovely time with your mum/ family without her.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:31

@Ylvamoon yes we did have a lovely time but my mum was quite hurt she wanted nothing to do with us for the entire holiday. I’ve no idea why. My mum is lovely.

OP posts:
literategiraffe · 23/12/2019 06:31

We have one hard fast rule for group holidays. Basically you can do what you like but you can't guilt, force, coerce etc anyone else into joining. So for example, discussing dinner options someone suggests trying the buffet restaurant for a change and meeting at 6.30pm, everyone agrees exception one or two people. Those people can suggest their preferred alternative plan but they can't get stroppy if no one else is interested. They can then decide to either join the main group or do their own thing without any one else making comments or being an arse about it.
It goes both ways but it's worked on several group holidays I've been on.
It'll probably mean your SIL ends up not joining in but thats he's loss really.

What did your brother say at the time?

BlouseAndSkirt · 23/12/2019 06:32

It needs to be carefully thought out so that she can get on with her 5pm stuff without impinging in anyone else. Separate accommodation and catering arrangements etc.

TBH it sounds as if she might not want to come anyway since she doesn’t seem to like the things you do.

Some if it doesn’t sound too bad. I personally cannot stand ‘spa treatment’ stuff and wouldn’t be putting my kids in it.

But being rude was not acceptable,

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 23/12/2019 06:35

Can’t you just have a conversation with your Dad? What did he make of it all?

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:35

@literategiraffe he says nothing. He is like her puppet. She controls everything.

OP posts:
AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 06:36

To be honest, I’m not sure why you didn’t just shrug your shoulders and get on with things. She didn’t want to take part, it doesn’t mean it needed to change or ruin your plans.

Go on holiday again and this time if she doesn’t want to do something, just say ‘okay’ and leave. Have dinner when you want it and tell her she’s welcome to cook something for herself earlier is she wants.

Mintjulia · 23/12/2019 06:37

Go, and enjoy your holiday. Invite her to activities but if she doesn’t want to join in, just let her do her thing. If she wants to sleep by the pool and have supper with her kids each night, fine, go without her.

People relax in different ways.

Towrl · 23/12/2019 06:38

Why are her kids not allowed to play with yours? I wouldn’t go. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:38

@BlouseAndSkirt except she loves to do everything we did suggest..... but only with her friends. She loves spa treatments, facials, cafes, getting nails done. But apparently not with us. It was a very very weird holiday. Our family are very relaxed. Plans are announced and it’s up to you if you want to join. But the fact she declined every , single activity that we know she likes and also didn’t facilitate any contact with our kids? Just rude in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:40

@AugustFalls we did just get on with things but try explaining to a 7 and 9 year old why they are on holiday with their cousins but never get to do anything with them? 😕

OP posts:
AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 06:41

And just as devil’s advocate, I do like my in-laws but I would really would not enjoy a spa day with my MIL and SIL.
When I am with in-laws, they constantly ply my DS sugar so I sometimes have to put my foot down and say no, he cannot have an ice cream.

If she was outright rude about things, that’s one problem. But if it’s just that she didn’t want to be involved (and I suspecting she didn’t want to go at all) then it can be pretty stressful putting up the pretence of having a nice time.

Obligatorync · 23/12/2019 06:43

I would probably go. Things may be different if her kids are now older. She may not even want to go.
I wouldn't lay ground rules unless you can speak to your brother in confidence.
Let her make her choices for herself and her children. Ask her once what she wants to do, if she refuses, do your thing and leave her to it.
Decide when you want to eat and eat then.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:45

@Towrl I have no idea. She is very rigid with their routines, eating, sleeping, clothes etc. maybe that’s got something to do with it? For example her daughter was having a terrible day, just out of sorts, melting down and my SIL appeared very very stressed. I offered to put on a DVD for the kids and was swiftly told no thank you she doesn’t need more screen time . Then 20 minutes later my SIL puts on a DVD?? 🙄

OP posts:
literategiraffe · 23/12/2019 06:46

@Countryescape I'd say just let her get on with it. At the end of the day she's missing out and forcing your brother and her kids into missing out too.

Invite her to stuff but don't let her dictate terms and then she can't say you didn't offer.
She sounds like a bit of a control freak cow tbh

WorldsOnFire · 23/12/2019 06:47

Urgh, I had an Ex fiancé who seemed to adore group holidays. I’m talking 12-20 friends (mostly also couples) on every foreign holiday we went on.

Don’t get me wrong I liked these people but I wasn’t ‘like’ them. They all ate crazy late and drank a lot whereas I prefer to be in bed by 10, don’t drink alcohol at all and like to go out/explore on a morning.

The way I saw it, it was still my holiday so I kinda went about my own business. Quite happily took myself off on a morning/went to bed whilst the party was in full swing/ ate alone when I wanted to. I did make an effort and would go out with them 1/2 nights but they didn’t seem to acknowledge this as me ‘trying’ it was all about what I wasn’t doing.

Group holidays are the worst when you just don’t run to the same schedule or enjoy the same things.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:47

@AugustFalls who in their right mind wouldnt want to go to Hawaii? When it’s all paid for? And there is no expectation to do every single thing together, just some things? I personally think it’s very ungrateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:51

@WorldsOnFire I totally understand. I think group holiday definitely need a balance or alone time, family time, just chilling time etc. But to be so uptight that my now exams nephew and brother missed out? I was really sad about it. I viewed the holiday as the perfect time for the cousins to hang out.

OP posts:
WorldsOnFire · 23/12/2019 06:58

@Countryescape

It is odd. You would think if you take kids on holiday together you’d expect them to hang out. There must be more to the story. Do the kids get on? Do you and SIL get on?

I can’t imagine you touched down in Hawaii and she suddenly had a personality transplant 😂

To me it sounds like she wanted the holiday but not the ‘family obligations’ x

MerchantOfVenom · 23/12/2019 07:00

She clearly Did Not Want To Be There.

Yes, it's Hawaii, but if it's a group holiday with people you don't want to send time with, it doesn't matter how amazing the destination is.

Of course - she has been unspeakably rude, but does it have to be a full group holiday?

Why the whole family? I mean, it's great if everyone wants to be there gets on. Unbearable, if not?

Can't someone sound out your brother, and see if his family even want to come?

Why put yourselves through it? Xmas Confused

GnomeDePlume · 23/12/2019 07:03

@Countryescape it sounds very much like she didnt want to be there. Brow beaten by her DH or FiL? Hawaii whether paid for by me or someone else would not be on my list of places to go to. If flying from the UK it is a huge time difference plus enormous travel time.

Group holidays with children are very tricky. She parents differently from you. Doesnt make either of you wrong just different. She finds that a strict routine works best for her and her DCs.

The DVD incident reminds me of when my DS was having a tantrum. DGM was trying to distract him. I had to tell her to leave him alone. He needed less input not more. Perhaps you SiL felt something similar, she wanted her DC to calm down then watch a DVD.

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 23/12/2019 07:05

I’ve been the SIL in this thread before, in fact I’m not 100% sure it’s not me! I’ve very rudely refused ice cream before dinner, rigidly stuck to meal times so my kids aren’t exhausted and can get to bed at a reasonable time, and declined invitations because it would have meant making polite small talk when I was totally overwhelmed with spending every second with people and having no quiet time at all.

Also the screen time thing rings a bell too, Whilst not ideal, a dvd is better than looking at a phone for a game or YouTube..:.

Instagrrr · 23/12/2019 07:07

YABU for getting wrapped up in others plans. I wouldn’t have let it ruin my holiday and would have done what I wanted to do