Not sure I want to put myself through this again AIBU?

[Countryescape]

I’ll try to keep it brief. Two years ago my parents organised and paid for an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for my family (me, DH and two kids, my single Brother and my other brother, SIL and their two kids.

To be honest the location was amazing, but in the end we had to just make the best of it because my SIL made it unbearable. We all had to dance to her tune, she was so rude/uptight and it ruined the holiday for me as most of it seemed to be directed at me and my mum. Things she did were:

• refused to go for a walk or spa treatment or lunch with me and my mum the entire trip due to a million different ridiculous reasons.
• Dictated our eating time so we had to eat dinner at 5pm (and start preparing at 4.30pm) EVERY SINGLE NiGHT!
• Never wanted her kids to hang out with ours (too tired, need a snack, don’t like x,y,z)
• Turned down our offers to babysit so her and my brother could enjoy a night out.
• Didn’t come to the animal safari *Didnt come to the waterpark
• Didn’t come to the beach *Didnt want the kids to all have a spa together. *Rudely refused an ice cream for her kids after we had been out in the heat all day

Honestly I could go on and on.

I made such an effort to be nice, kind, accomodating and I’ve never experienced such rudeness. And she was very rude to my mum which was worse.

No one said anything at the time as it would have been even more awkward but now my dad is making noises about a group holiday again.

I will go but feel we need to lay down some ground rules as in “we are not pandering to SILs every whim!”

What do you all think?

Maybe she won't agree to go next time. Personally I would have let her dance to her own tune. We'd never go on a group holiday now as we like to please ourselves. Did it many times when I was younger in a group of 12 but mainly skiing so we were all there for the same thing.

As she makes zero effort even when she's at home then I hate to say it but it seems as if she just doesn't like you and your family.
Maybe she won't agree to another big holiday?
I'd certainly talk to your parents and also your brother too.

@mclover wow go your mum!! That is amazing! So glad she said that 😂😂

Is there a tiny chance that she's on the spectrum? I only ask this because as an autistic woman, your dream holiday sounds more like a nightmare to me!

I'd probably end up hiding and clinging to routines, especially if I knew my inlaws didn't really like me. There are also things I can do on my own in predictable circumstances when I'm in control which aren't bearable in other situations with other people.

(Having said all that, I'd refuse point blank to go on holiday like that in the first place - and I'm not saying that being autistic excuses all rudeness in all circumstances, I know that it doesn't.)

So I’m ignoring the couple of posts saying I must be unreasonable

So why in the world would you post on AIBU?

She obviously does not want to holiday with the group so why not get your brother to suggest he take the kids and she goes somewhere she wants to for a kid free break? I am struggling to understand what your brother's view is of her behaviour. You never know what goes on behind closed doors and she may have felt pressured to go. It seems everything is about her but little mention of your brother.

Speak to your Dad and say you don't want to do it again because of how your sil was last time

Not ignoring completely @augustfalls but just the ones I think are way off base. I’m definitely taking on board what others are saying about control, autism, liking different things wtc

@Rosspoldarkssaddle because everything is about very. She controls the finances (she doesn’t work), my brother looks to her for the go ahead on every single decision. Like when I said to him “is it okay for the kids to have an ice cream?” He immediately turned to her and said “is that okay?” Very odd.

Countryescape, it was two years ago, why not just leave it in the past? You've surely all learned that the group dynamic doesn't work for everyone, just don't do it again.

Earlier on in the thread you asked who wouldn't want a free holiday in Hawaii and also said she was 'ungrateful'. Well I wouldn't want a free holiday in Hawaii with loads of other people and would absolutely hate to have to be grateful for something which was, presumably, freely offered. I would much prefer to pay for my own holiday where I wanted to go, without all the other people - so wouldn't have gone in the first place but maybe she was persuaded or just thought it would be easier than she imagined. Things rarely are.

It sounds as though you were all living in one house too.

Quite honestly I'd have been so stressed out on your holiday it would have made me ill. The problem with being ill is that you can't take to your bed for extended periods if you have kids so she was, basically, trapped.

Just don't get into that situation again, do something else.

You're very critical of your sister in law, Countryescape but we are all different; you said she is into facebook/twitter etc (so are lots of people, I don't like it either), but you have just said you facetime with your brother! Plus you're on here conversing with strangers.

You will all get on much better if you just visit and then go home but do for goodness sake leave the past behind.

If your SIL was writing this she might write;
-they wanted me to go to a spa/animal park/water safari and I just wanted to hang out in a hotel
-they insisted that DH and I went out for an evening , we refused, we were quite happy staying in.

• she doesn’t respect that we limit sugary treat for the kids

Etc. She sounds like a PITA, but very similar to my MIL. Why get upset if she doesn’t want to do something? Just go and do it yourselves. The only thing on your list that would annoy me is the eating time- and I would point blank refuse to bow down to that, but if no time compromise could be met I’d just say ‘sorry we can’t eat that early, let’s do 2 sittings’.

I have to say she sounds like a nightmare, if she'd even joined in with one or two of the things you were doing I'd understand but to me she sounds controlling, self obsessed and high maintenance.

I've known people a bit like this who just instantly decide to dislike people and won't join in. I think it's a severe lack of confidence possibly, or they're just shitty people

I can’t understand why you and your parents are even considering another family holiday, can’t you say something gently to your mum like ‘it clearly didn’t work for everyone last time, it’s probably not a good idea’.
My mother used to have vague ideas about having a family holiday but I know it just wouldn’t work, different lifestyles, parenting styles, eating habits etc etc. Neither us ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but it is just very hard for different families to spend time together in a holiday environment where everyone is expected to have a great time and be grateful to whoever is paying for it.

I would never consider it now my own DC are adults .

The rudeness cannot be excused. But:

Things she did were:
refused to go for a walk or spa treatment or lunch with me and my mum the entire trip due to a million different ridiculous reasons.
Dictated our eating time so we had to eat dinner at 5pm (and start preparing at 4.30pm) EVERY SINGLE NiGHT!
Never wanted her kids to hang out with ours (too tired, need a snack, don’t like x,y,z)
Turned down our offers to babysit so her and my brother could enjoy a night out.
Didn’t come to the animal safari
Didnt come to the waterpark
Didn’t come to the beach
Didnt want the kids to all have a spa together.
Rudely refused an ice cream for her kids after we had been out in the heat all day

You sound like the controlling one. Not wanting to do any of those things that you, or your family, suggested, does not make her rude. Antisocial, perhaps, but not rude.

The fact that you have a problem with it, makes you sound like you're controlling. Have you ever spoken to her about this. If not, why not?

And if she ruined your holiday, it's probably a good idea that this is sorted before round 2?

She obviously does life/holidays different to you. So what? Or is your way the only way?

can it be booked so that you have seperate, but nearby accommodation? E.g. neighbouring apartments? Perhaps if she has a bit more personal space she will be more chilled. She might be the sort of person that finds constant interactions with others stressful

I agree with @literategiraffe.

We go family holidays with my side of the family all the time and everyone loves it. We can all do what we want without guilt and meet up as and when. And a result, we do all do see each other (although it might be different people for different things), everyone gets to do what they want and get some space if/when needed and so we all have a great time and go away together regularly.

We went on holiday once with my DH’s family and it was a nightmare. It was in honour of his parents birthday so we let them choose what to do, but it was all stuff we hated, with no planning whatsoever so we spent so much time travelling to different things and back again, rather than seeing everything in one area and moving on iyswim. And I get travel sick.

We had taken time off work and were expected to fund stuff there (fine in principle) but our cash and more importantly our time is very precious to us and we felt it was such a waste. We actually really resented it and tempers got frayed (even though it was supposed to be a nice thing). Especially when we were expected to fork out over £500 for dinner at a celeb restaurant as their “present” (and that was just one night).

I think it was inherently selfish of them on reflection - ie we’ll pay for your tickets (nice thing) but with strings attached (not our choice of location, expected to do things we don’t like the whole time, expected to pay a fortune for said stuff etc)...

I think the whole thing with DH’s family would have been better if we could have chosen our own entertainment but compromised and met up for dinner one day or perhaps a museum on another for example.

I think it sounds like everyone was a bit off/rude on this holiday. Was this SIL only holiday ? Did she want to spend time with her children and DH ? She will probably have felt like the outsider with you/your mum and felt awkward. Perhaps she’s nervous, has nothing to say or doesn’t like you ? For whatever reason she didn’t want to spend all day, every day with you. You do sound rather judgemental of her in your comments regarding her interests etc... You also could have refused dinner so early if it didn’t work for you, rather than agreeing to it and then whinging about it.

On the other hand, she would have been rude to not do anything all with you. Although from her point of view she saw you all everyday for dinner so actually, I don’t see how she was wrong. If you didn’t all meet for dinner and she did no other family events, I would have said she was rude. But as it is, I think she was ok.

I would have been delighted to go out without her, and made sure we got back after she'd eaten.

What did she actually do all day?

@oabiti I’ve pretty much listed most activities . I’m definitely not controlling. Please enlighten me as to what you’d do on a holiday then? What I listed wasn’t the full list either of what she said no to. I could probably write down “living”, “getting up” and she’d still have said no
😂🤣. Her idea of a holiday must have been:

• not socialising with family
• going for one walk to the dairy in 10 days
• staying at home , playing on my phone and texting friends. Because that is literally all she did for 10 days.

@midep she did absolutely nothing. Sat around on the couch on her phone.

What was your DB doing the whole time?

From your title I was semi expecting a harrowing tale - not a family holiday to Hawaii with an antisocial SIL.

She didn't want to hang with her in laws and likes early dinners. I can see that would be irritating or disappointing given how much your parents spent trying to bring people together and your own expectations but it certainly wouldn't have ruined my holiday or made it unbearable.

If you go again let her get on with her style of holiday and you do yours, you'll both be happier and more relaxed - and maybe find some common ground.

Did your brother have any opinions about anything at all OP?

I agree countryescape that if your SIL accepted the holiday, she should have been willing to compromise a bit. I do understand that she might have been concerned about maintaining her children’s routine but she could have compromised in other ways, like going for a spa. I don’t agree with posters who suggest she went because she felt she had no choice because if countryescape’s brother felt he had to ask her if the children could have an ice cream, then it seems unlikely he put his foot down over the holiday.

How did your parents and your other brother feel? Assuming your parents aren’t going to do a mclover’s mum (👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to her), and they feel similarly to you, I think it would be fair to set a few ground rules. If you were all making dinner at 4.30, then would a hotel be better? Or at least choosing to eat a bit later and suggesting she made a separate supper if that’s what she wanted.

@AugustFalls whatever she wanted him to do. So he was with her and the kids 24/7.

@mclover , I like your mum