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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I want to put myself through this again AIBU?

157 replies

Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:20

I’ll try to keep it brief. Two years ago my parents organised and paid for an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for my family (me, DH and two kids, my single Brother and my other brother, SIL and their two kids.

To be honest the location was amazing, but in the end we had to just make the best of it because my SIL made it unbearable. We all had to dance to her tune, she was so rude/uptight and it ruined the holiday for me as most of it seemed to be directed at me and my mum. Things she did were:

  • refused to go for a walk or spa treatment or lunch with me and my mum the entire trip due to a million different ridiculous reasons.
  • Dictated our eating time so we had to eat dinner at 5pm (and start preparing at 4.30pm) EVERY SINGLE NiGHT!
  • Never wanted her kids to hang out with ours (too tired, need a snack, don’t like x,y,z)
  • Turned down our offers to babysit so her and my brother could enjoy a night out.
  • Didn’t come to the animal safari *Didnt come to the waterpark
  • Didn’t come to the beach *Didnt want the kids to all have a spa together. *Rudely refused an ice cream for her kids after we had been out in the heat all day

Honestly I could go on and on.

I made such an effort to be nice, kind, accomodating and I’ve never experienced such rudeness. And she was very rude to my mum which was worse.

No one said anything at the time as it would have been even more awkward but now my dad is making noises about a group holiday again.

I will go but feel we need to lay down some ground rules as in “we are not pandering to SILs every whim!”

What do you all think?

OP posts:
SanFrancisco49er · 23/12/2019 07:47

There's always 2 sides to every story, especially with families. It sounds very much like your SIL didn't want to be there and in all honesty, even on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii, lots of people wouldn't want to holiday with their inlaws. This of course doesn't excuse outright rude behaviour but there has to be some give and take and understanding with extended families. From what you have said your SIL is very much in the wrong in your eyes but it's a telling sign you haven't said anything that attempts to see it from her point of view.
My in laws are nice but I find them draining and difficult to be around for extended periods and I'm sure they feel the same about me. Try to remember and understand that while you think your family are great - they're your family. And with the best will in the world, not everyone else is going to feel the same way, just as you wouldn't about other families.
Also, the pressure of an all expenses paid trip might be difficult. It's a wonderful and generous gesture but honestly, if my MIL suggested it I'd feel pressurised to say yes (otherwise how would I explain why I don't want to go on a free holiday to an amazing location?) But I'd probably be a bit tense and I'm sure this would come across as rude at times. Maybe just take the pressure off, have a chat with your dad and find other ways for the family to get together that doesnt involve big expensive group holidays and all the added pressure of 'having to enjoy it'

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:47

@lottiebarganzo I don’t care if she likes me or my Mum (clearly she doesn’t and I’m not particularly bothered as I think she’s pretty average herself ) but I think she should make an effort for the kids and my brothers sake.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2019 07:48

From your parents' pov though, isn't part of the point of the trip to bring their grandchildren together, so your parents can spend time with them? They could reasonably talk to your brother about whether that is likely to happen. Is there any way your brother could take his DCs on your family's holiday and SIL stay at home / do something else she might prefer?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2019 07:50

Why does she have to make the effort - why can't your brother?

Vulpine · 23/12/2019 07:50

She sounds really annoying but no way would i let one person ruin my holiday and I'd definitely take back control of the meal times

saraclara · 23/12/2019 07:51

The only thing she did wrong, to my mind, is dictate everyone's meal time. The rest...so what? You're still offended because she turned down your baby sitting offer?

You and your family are clearly group people. She's not. You don't seem to be able to understand that she isn't.
If she needs space let her have it. Let her do her own thing. I adore my in laws, but when we went on holiday together (twelve if us) I only survived it because we had three neighbouring apartments, three cars, and people only joined together to do things if they choose to. There was absolutely no obligation or expectation placed on anyone. So someone would say they fancied going to x place. Half a dozen people might say, cool, I'll join you, another three decide they were going shopping, and the others decide to just stay back and relax. None cared which you did.

You say people could do what they want on your trip, but clearly you don't mean it, or understand if someone doesn't want to do the same as the rest. Because apart from the dinner and kids thing, so she did wrong was not do the things you did.

Radardodgingninga · 23/12/2019 07:52

Your dislike of her and judgement of her choices is coming across loud and clear here. I’m actually starting to feel sorry for her.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:52

@SanFrancisco49er and what telling sign would that be? That there was no pressure on her, that she had no expenses, that she was rude and sulky, that she tried to dictate dinner time, when t.v could be turned on, that I prepared dinner for her and some friends of her family so she could relax? What exactly did she contribute or so for me? Oh that’s right, NOTHING. Yes I agree , I’m absolutely awful.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2019 07:53

It's a case for the classic MN line, 'you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem', though in this case her husband, your brother.

To use another MN-ism, tell him to stop being such a wet lettuce and decide whether he wants his DCs to have a relationship with yours, or not. Is he a man or a mouse?

RedskyAtnight · 23/12/2019 07:55

I would love to hear her side of this. I suspect it runs along the lines of "didn't want to go on a family holiday with in-laws, DH persuaded me to on the basis that I didn't have to join in with group things if I didn't want to. My in-laws are nice enough people but we don't really have much in common, so it's hard work spending a lot of time with them. We went and it was a nightmare. My in-laws were constantly suggesting things that I didn't really want to do, so I was running out of polite excuses by the end. I like to keep my DC in a routine as they tend to get overtired overwise, but everyone else thought I was being controlling. I don't want to put myself through it again, but now FIL is suggesting another group holiday ..."

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2019 07:59

Two years ago her children would have been 18 months and 5. Just because your dcs can cope with a lack of routine, you cannot expect hers to too. There are always two sides to the story. I hate the relaxed / go with the flow attitude tbh as it doesn’t work for dd and me. She is far better age 11 but would have been screaming the place down for food at 18 months if not fed at 5.

As for the rest, it sounds as though her children were kept in a routine. I don’t see the issue with that. When my dd was 5/6, perhaps even 7, we all took a lunchtime nap so that she could stay up later.

Perhaps you should try to see things from her POV and then find common ground instead of seeing her actions as point blank negative. It sounds as though she went overboard as that was the only way to keep control on the situation.

TheKitchenWitch · 23/12/2019 08:00

It's not going to work because SIL clearly doesn't want to be there. The only real problem is not letting the kids do stuff together, and as surely that must be a major point of the holiday, why bother going at all?
Could your DPs just take all the grandkids on a weekend away or something like that, and then maybe you just do a holiday with them without your DB and SIL? The other brothers didn't come, so I assume that wouldn't be a problem?

rookiemere · 23/12/2019 08:00

You could rephrase your title to say "AIBU to refuse all expenses paid luxury holiday because one person does not behave exactly how I want them to". At the end of the day who knows why she acts the way she does,but it's your DPs who are paying so it's up to them who they invite.

Now you know what she's like just don't invite her to do anything and only eat dinner at a reasonable time . I'm sure your DCs will have enough to do so will get over not being able to play with their cousins often. Perhaps if you reduce your expectations SIL may become more tolerable.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 08:01

@RedskyAtnight I understand what you are saying but she literally didn’t want to do anything. And she never suggested or got enthusiastic about anything either. So if someone doesn’t like, BBQs, cafes, walking, the beach, playgrounds, swimming, the train, shopping, board games, DVDs, spa treatments, getting nails done, relaxing on the beach, going out for lunch or dinner...... Then??????? As someone else suggested earlier it’s not that she didn’t like what we were doing, it’s that she didn’t want to do it with us and it was all about control. Which in my opinion is awful.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 08:03

Pretty sad isn’t it.

Yes it is. Sorry if what I said was harsh but she clearly did not want to be there or with you. Hopefully she will refuse to go next time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2019 08:03

Where is your brother in all of this? Why wasn’t he facilitating the cousins playing together?

YANBU to be apprehensive about a re-run. She was very rude not to try and fit in with her hosts, at least some of the time.

Bluerussian · 23/12/2019 08:06

I don't think you should expect to be doing things together all the time when you are away with family, she had her ways and you had yours. No reason why she should have gone to a spa or for a walk with you. As for eating, she and her children could eat when they chose to and you had the same choices.

It doesn't sound to me that sister in law was rude, just that she wasn't enjoying herself and it was stressful for her to be surrounded by people all the time. I'd have hated it and probably would have made an excuse and gone home early.

Friends of mine used to take their adult children and grandchildren away every year but they booked apartments or chalets for each family unit and everyone did whatever they chose during the day, sometimes together if there was an excursion people all wanted to do and obviously at the pool or beach but no obligation. They would get together early evening and each family would take it in turns to do a meal. It worked well and everybody looked forward to it each year.

SanFrancisco49er · 23/12/2019 08:07

I didnt say you are awful in my post. I said there are 2 sides to every story but you haven't so far shown any attempt that you have at least attempted to understand your SIL's point of view.
This, plus your answers to other posters here are building a picture that it may be possible you can also be unreasonable and difficult.

itsgettingweird · 23/12/2019 08:08

Clearly there is some weird MNers on here who are like your SIL.
I guess it takes all sorts 🤷‍♀️

It is odd to go on a group holiday and then refuse to join in anything at all with the group and alongside that dictate that the group have to follow her rules and schedules.

I would say what others have said and come up with a group plan and those who want to join in can and if she chooses not to then you get on with it. If she wants to eat at 5 she prepares food for those who wish to join her (her kids!). She cleans and tidies that you and you all do what you want re dinner.
Same with days out. We are going to x place tomorrow at y time. She can come or not. Then ask her if she has any ideas for plans the next day. If she doesn't then do your own thing again.

I think lowering the expectations is best because if you don't expect anything from her she can't disappoint you.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2019 08:08

Maybe she just didn't want to go and her husband insisted

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2019 08:10

She sounds as if she was quite rude but clearly didn't want to be there.
What's she normally like when you see her at home?

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 08:13

@itsgettingweird thank you. I agree. Maybe I am too loose, liberal and she can’t cope with it? I’m not sure. I’ve actually been away with her parents and get on with both her sisters really well! So I’m ignoring the couple of posts saying I must be unreasonable 🙄😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 08:15

@rainbowstardrops makes zero effort. We don’t live in the same city but my brother and I FaceTime regularly. She never ever appears in the picture or says hello. I chat away to the kids about school, daycare etc and my kids and their cousins chat. and she just sits on the couch on her phone in the background.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2019 08:15

What's your Mum's position on all this? Why does she want to do it again? What does she want to do differently this time?

cptartapp · 23/12/2019 08:16

Holiday with my IL's sounds like my idea of hell. Hawaii or not. And they are 'lovely' too. Plus when someone else is paying for such an extensive trip you're always going to be so beholden going forward, whether you think so or not at the time.

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