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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I want to put myself through this again AIBU?

157 replies

Countryescape · 23/12/2019 06:20

I’ll try to keep it brief. Two years ago my parents organised and paid for an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for my family (me, DH and two kids, my single Brother and my other brother, SIL and their two kids.

To be honest the location was amazing, but in the end we had to just make the best of it because my SIL made it unbearable. We all had to dance to her tune, she was so rude/uptight and it ruined the holiday for me as most of it seemed to be directed at me and my mum. Things she did were:

  • refused to go for a walk or spa treatment or lunch with me and my mum the entire trip due to a million different ridiculous reasons.
  • Dictated our eating time so we had to eat dinner at 5pm (and start preparing at 4.30pm) EVERY SINGLE NiGHT!
  • Never wanted her kids to hang out with ours (too tired, need a snack, don’t like x,y,z)
  • Turned down our offers to babysit so her and my brother could enjoy a night out.
  • Didn’t come to the animal safari *Didnt come to the waterpark
  • Didn’t come to the beach *Didnt want the kids to all have a spa together. *Rudely refused an ice cream for her kids after we had been out in the heat all day

Honestly I could go on and on.

I made such an effort to be nice, kind, accomodating and I’ve never experienced such rudeness. And she was very rude to my mum which was worse.

No one said anything at the time as it would have been even more awkward but now my dad is making noises about a group holiday again.

I will go but feel we need to lay down some ground rules as in “we are not pandering to SILs every whim!”

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:07

@Instagrrr as I’ve already said,we did.

OP posts:
AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 07:12

I would love to go to Hawaii - I would not love to go with my in-laws, no matter how lovely they are. And I think many people do feel like this.

I know my DS is better when he has strict routines. If we ‘cut loose’ then he doesn’t sleep properly, is hyperactive and then starts playing up (he’s 2, so to be expected). We went on a holiday with my in-laws and it was absolutely exhausting because I was constantly trying to balance the needs of my son with the ‘needs’ or my in-laws. And anytime he played up due to a broken routine, I needed to run around trying to settle and calm him. It was a miserable experience.

Of course your mum is lovely to you and I’m sure you are too but it doesn’t mean SIL, but it can still be a very miserable experience hanging round with people you wouldn’t actively choose to be friends with.

ReturnofSaturn · 23/12/2019 07:13

Can't see your issue tbh. It wouldn't have bothered me, I'd have just let her get on with her own things.

Radardodgingninga · 23/12/2019 07:14

Apart from dictating dinner times she doesn’t sound too bad to me. You and your parents wanted to do stuff as an extended family group and she preferred not to do those group things. I think that’s fair enough - just because you are on holiday with people it doesn’t mean you want to be with them 24/7. And perhaps her DC aren’t as keen on spending time with their cousins as yours are?

She does sound uptight but as well as that you and her seem to have very different expectations of what a family holiday should be like. Neither of you are wrong, just different. Now you know what she’s like you will have different expectations for any future holidays so you won’t be disappointed.

The only thing I think she is being unreasonable about is the insistence on communal early dinners. If she wants an early dinner for her family let her cook them for her family and they can eat separately from the rest of the group. You don’t all have to participate if it doesn’t suit you, any more than she has to go to the spa or on outings at times that don’t suit her.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:16

@WorldsOnFire she’s very hard to be around. I’ve always been very friendly and nice. But if I am being truthful, we probably would never be friends . She is obsessed with her looks, very into Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc
#loveyaface #blessed, #mysquad and other such stuff. Where as I can’t stand all that and think it’s fake as anything. But to me even though we aren’t the same, I still think you can at least attempt to get on and make an effort? 🙄

OP posts:
maddening · 23/12/2019 07:18

How old were her dc on that holiday and how old were yours at the time?

AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 07:19

Okay, so now your new update is you don’t actually like her anyway. So why in the world are you bothered that she doesn’t want to be involved? It’s not really a holiday for her (or even you for that matter) to play the pretence that you want to spend time together.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:19

@Radardodgingninga we were there for 10 days. She didn’t do one single thing with anyone. Except for dinner. I think it’s very rude. Don’t even know why she bothered to turn up. Her kids love my kids. She’s the one with the issue. They were begging her to do stuff and she aais no.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 07:20

except she loves to do everything we did suggest.....

Yes but not with you. She clearly didn't want to be there and I suspect all her 'rules' were there to exert control.

Go but lay down some ground rules. 'We will eat when it suits us and not at 5pm as dictated by SIL. I don't mind if she eats early but we will not join her' etc.

Also go knowing she won't join in or want to be with you. If you can accept that, not hope for happy families and put your foot down when she tries to dictate to the whole group then you should have a great time.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:21

@AugustFalls I’m not saying I don’t like her. I’m saying she is very very different to me. I have never and would never comment on what she likes in a negative way. There is a difference..,,

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:24

@maddening our kids were pretty much the same age. There are 3 months between them all. Mine 7 and nearly 4. Hers Nearly 7 and 3 1/2.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 23/12/2019 07:24

I'd simply say to my Dad that we'd love to come on holiday but you found that last time it didnt work worh SIL. So if she is coming perhaps you and your parents cluld go another time. Explain you found her rudeness to your mum upsetting.

JasonPollack · 23/12/2019 07:30

You don't sound like you like her at all. I would not want to hang around on holiday with someone who obviously is judging me and doesn't like me!

You also sound like youre relishing this a bit, I think it's fine if she wants to do her own thing. Some people don't do that well on holiday they find it stressful. Just leave her be and do your own thing, stop hitching about her to your mum.

MightyFine79 · 23/12/2019 07:31

No advice here, but lots of sympathy. We have a hyper-controlling relative who is a master at squirming into everything and then making everyone feel crap. It’s easy to say to ourselves “we just won’t let that happen again” and “next time we’ll just go our own way or put our foot down”, but I’ve learned that when someone is skilled at controlling they will win anyway. It’s been 25 years, we’ve tried everything and the only answer has been to cut back on time spent together (eg, shorter or no holiday time). Sorry, and good luck!

Mumdiva99 · 23/12/2019 07:33

How do her kids sleep? Yours might be the kindto who run about until exhausted and flop for 12 hours anywhere. Hers might be more difficult to get to sleep. Wake very early. Add in jet lag to the equation and it can be very hard to manage.

We've always been sticklers for early tea, primarily because when kids wake at 6am have breakfast at 7am, lunch at 12 then we are all starving by 5:30pm. Bed at 7:30 ready to do it all over the next day. (mine are a little more flexible now as older) but keeping them up late never meant a lie in - just tired kids the next day.

Did her kids play at the pool and beach with yours? Maybe that was enough.for her? This time could you have a planning meeting to discuss what there is to do in the destination, maybe pick 3 or 4 key things you would all like to do and preplan when that will be....then she can know what to expect and when. So if on Tuesday you are all going to the zoo - plan in advance you will all leave at 10am. So she knows what's happening, she's not hanging around with kids she can't plan for, and hopefully it will help. Similarly if you all say you want to go to a waterpark maybe she can explain in advance ...the water is always freezing and we will pay £60 for the family for my kids to moan they are cold after 10 minutes. You guys go alone. Etc etc

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:34

@KatherineJaneway I think you are bang on the money there . “Likes all those things but not with you.” Pretty sad isn’t it. Okay I’d totally get her reluctance if for example we were massively religious, bitchy gossips, alcoholics, had mental health issues but we are fairly standard people.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 23/12/2019 07:35

Speak to your DB if you think he will be honest about what's behind it all.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:37

@JasonPollack I’m not hitching about her to my mum. What are you on about? My mum was very hurt and I’m just feeling hesitant about this next potential holiday. Well
Yes obviously she doesn’t like me or my
Mum so yes it is quite awful.

OP posts:
IHateBlueLights · 23/12/2019 07:38

I wouldn't like her at all. She sounds like a joy sponge. Horrible woman.

Novembernickname · 23/12/2019 07:40

It's very kind of your parents to pay but it sounds like she was expected to do everything to your tune. I would hate to tag along with everyone on a holiday.
Whenever we go away with family or friends we always talk about mutual expectations and agree that we'll all do our own thing. She's entitled to prefer time alone. She's entitled to want to eat at 5. You don't have to sat at 5 also. Just agree to do your own thing and then everyone's happy. It all sounds so overbearing and I would have avoided it all too.

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:41

And @JasonPollack I’m definitely not “relishing in this” . I would much prefer to have an easy, breezy holiday with SILs I get on with, which is my experience with my other two SILs who are absolutely lovely and we all have great time.

OP posts:
Fightingmycorner2019 · 23/12/2019 07:43

Just reset expectations before the trip

Maybe write down the list and then align on which ones are reasonable
Ie dinner
And not reasonable
Ie stop being a bitch

Just reset and lower expectations ? She won’t change so emagege way less and stop being nice . Just be civil

Original poster
Countryescape · 23/12/2019 07:43

@Novembernickname how on earth are you getting that from what I’ve said? She did absolutely nothing with us. NOTHING in 10 days. There was no pressure put on her whatsoever. But we were all disappointed the kids didn’t hang out more.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2019 07:43

I'm surprised your mum is keen to do it again, if it was so awful for her.

You and SIL aren't keen on each other and are never going to be friends. i find your expectation that she should want to spend time with you rather odd. She's just not that into you!

mclover · 23/12/2019 07:47

Urgh she sounds so ungrateful. When we go on holiday (paid for by my parents) they have a rule that we can do what we want all day but we all must eat together at 7pm (means not too late for the grandkids and my parents go to bed around 10) . It's nice for them as they then get to hear about everyone's day around the table and the fun they have had.

My SIL couldn't understand this (no kids, would sleep till midday, would probably preferred dinner at 9pm) and kept moaning about it. I took her aside, said stop moaning and ruining this for my mum and dad, it's all they ask. She said it's ridiculous, too early etc and I said when you can pay for the family to come all inclusive to the Caribbean you can decide the rules. Next night she sat there with a face like a smacked arse (but no moaning at least). I called her out on it SIL, you had a bad day? You ok hun? Lol.

Anyway got back to the UK, and same as you, 2 years later Mum and dad announced over big family dinner the same thing, let's do another big holiday together to an amazing destination. And my mum, love her, she's never mean or assertive, but she said 'and don't worry SIL, you had such a tough time last holiday we haven't included you, you'll be glad to know. And then carried on serving the food.
Never been so proud of her haha! We were all stunned.