Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

My SIL has smoked weed for most of her adult life. Now in her 50s, she's utterly incapable of making a decision for herself and her entire life happens in slow motion. She only holds a job down because she's in a profession that is notorious hard to recruit for.

It makes me so angry that people dismiss weed as a "mild" drug. It can cause significant brain damage that never recovers.

Time for some tough love, sorry. You're part of the problem by enabling his behaviour, though that must be hard to hear.

The fact he's even using Dignitas to threaten you is disgusting.

@Milquetoaster

I see the point you are making (Freud), but what is coming across in your posts is that the OP has some responsibility in this, and that will make her feel guilty which does not help her or her DS move forward, which is the point of this thread. [The OP and her DS need support, and whilst her DS refuses, the OP should seek it for herself.]

I wonder what skill you think the OP (and parents as a whole?) lack? As parents we will all, without exception, make mistakes when raising our children - we are human after all. The majority of us will meet the needs that children require to flourish and that is good enough. We cannot anticipate every single variation of the outcome of each parenting decision we make.

@DesertOrchid558 My advice to you is to seek help for yourself, your own wellbeing. You cannot force your son to engage with MH specialists, but you can address your own feelings on this so you can move forward and feel stronger.

He’s an abusive arsehole, and it’s high time you kept him at arm’s length till he sees the light. You can do it, OP. If you were such a shit parent your daughter would have turned out the same too.

It sounds like he has brought it all on himself, aided and abetted by you. Leave him to sort himself out from now on or he will never change.

Get angry with him.

To me, the OP has been a loving mum and done a good parenting job but that is irrelevant when it comes to some mental disorders. Mental illness does not discriminate. It affects adults who have never suffered a second of trauma and come from loving homes with ideal, privileged childhoods.
The key thing is that her son is not behaving normally and has been self medicating with drugs for almost a decade. He may have avoided the GP because it is actually more socially acceptable for men to be a lazy weed smoking addict than get sectioned for being mad and suicidal.
Mental illness cannot be fixed by more love and money, it can only be helped with psychiatric intervention and sometimes not even then.
That’s why I voted YANBU - OP has done everything she humanely can. But she needs to get a crisis team out to him or even call the police and ask them to do a well check.

You cannot force your son to engage with MH specialists,

Actually, you can. It’s been done to me several times and saved my life each time. This whole idea of he has to go get help himself is somewhat ableist because people can and do become so far off in the deep end that they are drowning and cannot help themselves.

@planderaccordement having poor mental health does not mean you can't be all these things as well -
manipulative, nasty git
Manipulative little parasite.
nasty little shite.
entitled brat
manipulative git

Call his bluff. Book a ticket to Switzerland for him. As it’s only a single he needs you will be able to pick one up for £9.99 in the January sales from Ryan air or easyJet.

Oh god this is heartbreaking. He is DEFINITELY suffering with mental illness. Which can present as manipulation. I'm seeing some signs of Borderline Personality Disorder, which frequently gets misdiagnosed as bipolar, but he could also have that as well.

He needs professional help ASAP, no person with a typically functioning mind says things like this

He sounds like a manipulative little shite tbh.

He gambled away rent and is now asking for you to pay for his Switzerland 'euthanasia' trip.

I obviously don't know him, but it seems like he is trying to manipulate you into giving more money so he can gamble some more.

I think you tried to help him, you said you paid for him to have a set up in a house 3 times. He still thinks he has a bad mother. You need to stop giving him money. Unfortunately with people with this type of 'woe is me' complex, you could buy him a flat and he'd want a house, you'd by him a car and he'd want a bigger car, you can't win.

I can't imagine having a child like this and I know you just want what is best for him but unfortunately it sounds like he will keep using you until you have nothing left to give. I am so sorry you are in this position as you sound really loving and caring

StrongerThan

I disagree. Those are simply nasty name calling. No one who is exhibiting clear signs of mental illness should be subjected to such abusive and dehumanising terms. Your insistence that it’s ok to abuse the mentally ill is contributing to the stigma. No wonder people fear admitting mental illness or suicidal intentions when what they get back is abuse like this:

manipulative, nasty git Manipulative little parasite. nasty little shite.
entitled brat manipulative git

@DesertOrchid558 I haven't had a chance to read through all the replies so this may have been mentioned before but please look into the freedom program. It is for women who want to learn about domestic violence and abuse and although he is your son I think it would give you some insight into his behaviour.

You need to give notice on the flat, it isn't fair on you or your husband and your son will never learn if you keep bailing him out.

The threat of suicide is a control method (talked about in the FP) and from my experience he won't go through with it as he doesn't feel that way, it is said to get a reaction for you. You need to stop reacting and hide your emotions.

Things might have to get worse before they get better. He might stop talking to you and step up his tantrums but you need to create the boundaries and stick to them.

If you don't make changes now then in 10 years time he will still be using you, but worse because he thinks this behaviour is acceptable he may violent and abusive in his future relationships.

I have depression its not nice no-but i dnt manioulate and threaten suicide if i dont get something off someone thats just abusive and nothing to do with anything

he wants money for drugs and gambling thats all-youve set him up 3 times now and hes still ungateful-if he had money from his gps hed just lose it all so its not goingto help

you have to step back this isnt your fault and you cant force someone to help themselves

Plan this thread is not all about you.

We don't know - and you don't- that he is mentally ill.

The impact of this behaviour on the OP needs to be the primary consideration.

I have depression its not nice no-but i dnt manioulate and threaten suicide if i dont get something off someone thats just abusive and nothing to do with anything

Wrong. There are many mental and personality disorders that cause this behaviour. Bipolar, BPD/EUPD, psychosis, MDD/psychotic depression, paranoid schizophrenia, APD, etc

Paul Hollywood
Shut up. Everyone gets to say they know he is not mentally ill and you agree but when a few people say actually he is not acting normal, he may be mentally ill get him to a professional you have the gall to lecture me on how we do not know if he is mentally ill? Pot, kettle, black. Unless you start telling everyone on this thread saying he is definitely not mentally ill the same crap you just said to me.

@Milquetoaster TBH I think you're edging towards perfectionism rather than reality here in your advice because you acknowledge that getting therapy before having kids isn't going to happen. Feeling guilt can come about not because of doing anything wrong but because of an individuals own upbringing by parents who wanted their child to be perfect. We don't know what has happened in the OPs case, why her feelings of guilt are causing her to financially enable her son, which is why she should seek help for herself.

@PlanDeRaccordement AIUI the only way the DS can be forced to comply is by sectioning otherwise he has free will to decide whether to engage or not. Is this what you are saying or is there another way?

The impact of this behaviour on the OP needs to be the primary consideration.

I agree with this and think about the impact of the OP taking advice to not consult a psychiatric professional but the mumsnet diagnosis of he’s not unwell, he’s just a “parasite” and cut him out of her life, tell him to just “go to boots and buy painkillers “ to “get on with “ killing himself.

And she follows this advice and he kills himself. How do you think that will impact the OP? Hmmmmmmm?

Plan- quit with your attention seeking bullshit and try and see other perspectives.

I haven't told you to shut up- you are incredibly rude and there is just no need for it. Try and be supportive to someone in a crisis rather than critical and making this thread all about your mental disorder.

Yes. I’m talking about sectioning. That’s what it’s there for.
All I am saying, is the OP needs to get him professional help whether he wants it or not. Suicide threats should always be taken seriously.
Even BPD/EUPD people who are known to manipulate through suicide threats have a 70% suicide attempt rate and the highest completed suicide rate (1 in 10) of all mental illnesses. They seriously feel suicidal when they make the threat.

Most posters here are able to hold two views that he might have an underlying disorder that needs assessment OR he might be a manipulative person. You can also be a manipulative person with mental illness who is able to rationalise outcomes to address individual need etc- not mutually exclusive.

The point is we don't know. What we do know is how his behaviour is impacting on the OP and that she is seeking support and that is what most of us here is trying to do.

You need to have a very, very good case for Dignitas to even consider euthanasia.

If he's thinking like this, he needs help with his mental health, and should be encouraged to see his GP. Nobody should want to die, and everyone has the chance to live a decent life, whatever their start might have been.