Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

OP, how awful.
He has chosen to smoke weed since he was 15. Long term use impairs cognitive function, his poor coping mechanisms and ability to think just worsen. It's classic, I'm afraid.

The Switzerland ploy is a shock tactic, super passive aggressive too of course. If you say yes, you're supporting the suicide of your basically healthy child. If you say no, you're refusing to allow your troubled child to leave this horrible world. What a lovely position he puts you in.

He wants to punish you because you're not fully playing his game. But you have partly played his game unfortunately, so you've given him a taster of a life sponging off you, and he rather likes it. Unsurprisingly, h'e like lots more of this please. If you refuse now, he'll try to just blackmail you.

Tell him you are willing to make an investment in him. Make it about the money, watch his eyes light up. Then tell him it's for drug counselling/rehabilitation. Tell him it's a once only opportunity. No other money for flats or food or drugs (which you know you are really buying).

Then give him the choice: take it or leave it. If he leaves it, then you must leave it and him too. You can't spend your lift held hostage by him like this.

I have just came out of a severely emotionally, financially and physically abuse relationship with a man the same age and background as your son. I now have severe ptsd and i still feel guilty about leaving him, when he “needed me”.

He is an addict, the drugs and or gambling will always come first and there will always be excuse after excuse as to why he can’t do x, y or z because his life is just so awful. The reality is, the addictions mean more to him, they always will and if the choice of him saving your life or having drugs were presented to him, he would always choose the drugs.

Weed has been played down as a non-harming less hardcore drug. But it’s not. It’s addictive, depressive and can cause psychosis.

He won’t do anything for himself because he doesn’t have to. He’ll never change, because he doesn’t have to. He’ll always be entitled and have the hard done by attitude because he’s allowed to. He’s always had you to fix anything that went wrong, he’ll find somebody else to leech off of when you stop. He won’t stop or change until he wants to.

You need to protect yourself and by not “helping” him and fixing every little thing is the best thing for him. He’ll try his best to emotionally blackmail you and his tales of woe will get worse and more ramped up. He won’t kill him self because he’s selfish and the fact of the matter is he always will be.

You can still love and support him. But you need to stop giving him money and housing and everything else. You can point him in the direction of the local mental health team, housing association and other support services but you can’t give him those things unless he wants to do it for himself.

You love him but he loves the drugs and himself more. He always will until he decides to change for himself and he isn’t the little innocent boy who loved you unconditionally any more. He’s an adult, who loves only himself and his addiction.

Dear OP, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. My mum could have written your post almost to the letter. We had the same with my brother - the weed smoking, the depression, the money troubles, the blaming, the self-pity. He attempted suicide many years ago but has said he wouldn’t do it again.

I’m not sure I really have much advice for you except to tell him that he’s an adult and responsible for his own life, and to try to set boundaries. He can’t blame you for ever. At the end of the day if he wants to end his life it’s his choice, but tell him 100% you won’t pay for it. Like other PPs have said, get him referred for suicidal thoughts.

On the bright side, my brother turned a corner, he’s been clean of drugs for 4 years now, he visits my mum twice a week to scrounge dinner (!) but also to help her out and is vaguely pleasant, and he’s doing volunteer work (he’s unemployable really due to decades of not working). So they can turn themselves around. They just have to want to, it has to come from them.

Big hand hold, unmumsnetty hugs and for you.

You say that your daughters and you have a strong work ethic. This goes to show that you have brought your family up well.

For whatever reason (drug?), your son has rejected this, and blames you, even though it’s clear you have done everything to support your family. Any choices he has made are his decisions, not yours.

Don't you have to be severely ill or something for Dignitas to euth you? Even if you did send him, I doubt they'd say yes.

Agree with PPs that he would not meet the criteria for Dignitas

He needs to engage with professionals to improve his MH. I also recommend counselling for you too, this is very distressing.

I hope you both get the help you need

I'd call the manipulative little shits bluff and.tell him you've booked him a.one way flight !

He sounds a complete self-centred twunt. It's easier for me to say this but I'd completely ignore it all. He is emotionally manipulative and not worth wasting your time on. He will drain every last ounce of life from you.

PP are right. The more you feed his delusions, the worse this will get.

I'd reply "don't be so ridiculous."

I agree with what others have said re dialling back on the financial support.

Re Dignitas - why not call his bluff? Say you've been in touch with them and it's all arranged, but you're coming with him, so there's no need for you to give him the money, and you want to be with him at the end. Bet you he'll backtrack like billy-oh.

"So, your son probably does have good cause for grievance." Said someone based on absolutely nothing!

What piffle.

People who feel like life is not worth living, have you considered getting some help for low level depression?

I've had mental health issues and got help. It really does make a difference.

It's really sad IMHO not to appreciate the life we have. Many are struggling with illnesses or health problems, if you are, can you get help?

In so many countries, and in so many places, people cling to life against all odds. Struggling to feed their family and be a force for good in their community.

Please, please make the most of your health and strength while you can.

Unless you don't believe the OP, her son has had a loving home.

"My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle."

Sadly, weed can have a very negative effect on mental health. It is not as well publicised as it should be.

"He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness."

Sounds like the OP has done her best for her boy. At some point as adults we need to take responsibility for our own lives.

Milquetoaster I am genuinely sorry that you think the majority or people have had bad parents. Certainly some do. But many do not.

Your assumption is that the boy has grown up like this because his mum didn't look after him. I doubt that. People who seek help are often very concerned for their kids and the OP is her a couple of days before Christmas asking for help.

Yes, parents can screw up.kids but the fact counsellors ask about childhood doesn't mean it is always the case.

Sorry, OP, but he's got your number. He's just said that to set you up to pay another round of deposits and bills for him while he spends his money on pot.

You need to cut him off and tell him he'll have to pay his own bills from now on. You're done.

He’s playing you like a finely tuned fiddle.

Years ago when I was a stroppy teenager I had a row with Mum and Dad and I said “That’s it I’m leaving home’
Dad replied “hang on a minute….(there was me thinking he’d let me do what I wanted)… I’ll go up the loft and get your suitcase for you”.

That stopped me in my tracks, it wasn’t the response I was looking for. You need to do this with your son. Tell him you will be happy to pay for his trip and get him sorted straight away. That will get him thinking.

He is playing on your emotions, I bet he is laughing with his friends saying "My Mum will give me money, she gets all upset, its really easy to wind her up" or words to that affect.

Seriously stop feeding him his fun by playing into his hand. Its all a game to him, but its genuinely tearing you apart. It's not fair. He needs to grow up.

I'm going to suggest you concentrate on two things:

1. Your own health and well-being and
2. Your relationship with your son.

First of all, you need some time and space for yourself. That is imperative. You can't go on as you are.

Perhaps you might benefit from seeing a counsellor, or a holiday, or just setting a certain time aside for yourself to do something that you love. REGARDLESS of your son, you need to do this.

Secondly, it seems to me that you can't really do much about your son's choices. He's an adult. It's up to him what he does with his time, and - I'm sorry - his life. While of course you care for him and want to support him, you can't do it for him.

What you can do is concentrate on your relationship. Once you've spent enough time taking care of yourself, then how about making a date with him to talk.

You need to lay out what you will and won't do. So -

You will always be there to listen. (Look into active listening).
You will always love him.

But

You will not provide money/excuses (you'll need to decide yourself what you're happy with and not happy with, that's up to YOU, not him).

Those are your limits. Stick to them.

If he is depressed, he needs professional help. Tell him this. Doctor, therapist, counsellor, etc. It's not easy but it can be done. You can't fix his depression. You can't fix his life. You can set limits so that this co-dependent dynamic collapses - hopefully that might set him on the path to sorting himself out.

All you can do is model good self care, set boundaries, and offer love and listening support.

Good luck to both of you.

"Dear ds
I love you deeply and have supported you both financially and emotionally. However your recent discussion about suicidal thoughts have upset me deeply and led me to rethink our relationship. I have come to the decision that I can no longer support you financially and any other suicidal thoughts will be reported to the authorities. I have given notice on your flat and your last day will be x
I could not love you more but now feel you will only find happiness and self worth when you live your life more independently. "

And let gp know or he'll be sponging off them too