Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
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"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
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Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

My brother does this. He’s bipolar and a narcissist. His blame on mum is gaslighting and he’s definitely paranoid. It sounds like your son needs some serious help, and not from you.

Your DS is probably depressed as a result of his use of weed for a decade. There is a well-known connection between smoking weed, particularly as a teenager when the brain is still developing, and depression. It can also trigger psychosis in some people. Is he having treatment for his depression and his addiction?

Please stop bankrolling him OP. He's using your money to gamble with and to buy drugs. You've set him in a flat for the third time in two years? FGS just stop! Mentally ill he may be, but he is manipulating you and you're enabling him. Please contact Nar-anon www.nar-anon.co.uk/, which is a charity for the families of those addicted to drugs. They will provide you with the kind of support that other people who are not familiar with the behaviour of addicts cannot. Please, call them today and chat to someone.

You can throw yet more of your hard-earned cash away on a flight to Switzerland, if you want, but I don't recommend it. Not least because Dignitas is not there for depressed drug addicts. They have a very rigorous interview process that screens out anyone who is simply depressed. He wouldn't be able to access their services, besides it costs many thousands of pounds to end your life at Dignitas.

Please, seek support for yourself. You cannot help your DS while you remain in his thrall. If you do want to help him then urge him to go and see his GP about his depression, but stop giving him money right now!

If you hate office jobs, can you not think of something you enjoy and do some training for it?

Training for what I might like doing costs quite a few K's that I don't have at the moment (well, I do but it's ringfenced for buying a house - don't want to rent till I'm 70, and safer to buy a house now than to spend money on new career that might not work out either). I plan to do it in future though. It's just scary because everyone in my family does academic/corporate jobs and I feel like it's a bit off-limits going to do something practical/vocational and not "academic". I guess like how people in trades feel like uni is off-limits.

I will sort it out, I just can't help how I feel rn. Thought I'd offer an alternative perspective. I don't disagree that the son is being horrible and manipulative, probably the effects of the weed. Just a disclaimer that I moved out of my parents at 18 and support myself 100% - I'm not advocating being a sponge!

Don't flame me but I do understand where he's coming from - I feel like this a lot myself. Why did my parents have me, knowing I would have to work 9-5 until I'm 70? A lot of life is shit and I have never, ever done a job that I've liked or haven't quit within 18 months. I often feel quite despondent that the rest of my life will be job-hopping from one pointless office job that I hate (making money for shareholders) into another. I wouldn't top myself now as it would upset too many people, but if I could go back in time and tell my mum not to have me, I would.

Isn’t that also about taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of blaming others. Your mother and her giving birth is not the reason for your boring jobs - entirely down to you. If you don’t like your job and the life it leads to then get off your bottom and do something about it. Try doing a job that helps others less fortunate to put your life in perspective.

@CherryPavlova, on the other hand, I see a lot of people on here saying their life is boring/shit/unfulfilling so they will have kids to get that "fulfillment". Is that not unfair on the kids? Why would you expect your kids lives to be so much better?

To the PP commenting up thread about my ‘manipulative little git’ comment. I am not stigmatising people with mental health problems. I have had severe anxiety and depression in the past. At no point during that did I emotionally blackmail my parents for money or threaten to end my life because I didn’t have what I wanted. I was far too busy trying to climb my way out of a black pit to have the clarity of mind to play games with my families emotions.

aphodsotherhead well done. Great news

ItIsWhatItIsInnit I wouldn’t. I would expect those children to take responsibility for their own success and happiness as they moved through life. It’s much easier to blame others rather than becoming an adult and accepting responsibility for ourselves - but it tends not to have better outcomes.

Isn’t that also about taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of blaming others. Your mother and her giving birth is not the reason for your boring jobs - entirely down to you.

I'm not saying it's their fault, I know I'm the only one who is responsible for my life. But as a child & teenager I was told by parents that the degree I ended up doing was the only one that would lead to "good" employment, and being naive and wanting to impress my parents, that's the one I did. I hate all the jobs you can possibly do from it, as the actual subject has nothing to do with the jobs. Forget parenting, I think 18 is far too young to commit to 1 subject/career anyway. Schools should put much more compulsory shadowing in place - shadow people in 5 different careers, for example.

I want to re-train but it is expensive - college courses aren't free, and the only apprenticeships would involve commuting into London, which would cost more than apprenticeship salary. The government have hardly made these things accessible unless you have lots of cash lying around.

I think you need a calm rational discussion with him (when he isn’t high) where you rest the boundaries of what you can offer him - support and love. Whilst also saying what you can’t - endless bale outs and to be his emotional whipping post.

He needs professional support for his addiction, NA might be an idea. Ultimately though he has to decide he wants to change, only he can make those first steps. You can’t do it for him. By helping him financially he never has to feel the true consequences of his behaviour because you save him, time and time again. It’s a vicious circle and it’s time to break it.

So difficult to do as he is your son but by helping him you are keeping him dependent on you and with no incentive to change his lifestyle.

He's not going to take his life. Read your post back. It's just the latest way he's found to make you feel guilty. I don't think you have to worry about him killing himself if he won't consider it until you've coughed up thousands... I think this will probably be the trigger for you pouring even more of your time and money into getting him help, and it won't help. Not until he wants to help himself.

*reset not rest

It's definitely not just me. Look at the Mumsnet thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3224220-AIBU-to-not-want-to-work-that-hard. Lots of people hate working, people have kids so they can delay going back to work - and transfer the problem to the next generation. A lot of jobs are ultimately pointless and are for the purpose of making billionaires more money.

What if someone just doesn't like working? Should they kill themselves? Because a lot of people don't.

Dear OP. This thread shows the good side of Mumsnet and the supportive, kind common sense of many of the people who populate it. I sympathize very much with your predicament and it's an awful one), and send you a big virtual hug, should you want it.

Upthread, this particular comment stuck out for me:

As your son has expressed suicidal thoughts to you, I would ring his GP surgery/NHS 111 and make them aware.

This, 100X. A friend whose manipulative MiL was making similar threats of ending her life did precisely this. The MiL sounded not dissimilar to your son: she thought the rest of the world owed her something and wanted to manipulate relatives into giving her their time, money and emotional energy (which she rapidly depleted by going on about how awful everyone/everything was to and for her).

Call his bluff. Report his suicidal tendencies. This means you don't get sucked into his vortex of emotional vampirism (I'm sorry, I know he's your beloved son but that's what it is), but you treat his supposed cry for help entirely seriously. This will have a twofold effect: 1) it instils firm boundaries. If this is, as likely, an attention-seeking bluff he'll stop it after he's had this response a few times. 2) if it does transpire he needs help, the right professionals will be onto his case and he will get it.

The MiL in question above quit her shenanigans after the above approach was applied. It works. And another PP makes a very sensible suggestion to: make any further support conditional on your son seeking help for his drug use and depression.

The only way forward here is being cruel to be kind; not least to yourself. And continuing the way you are is doing nothing to help your son.

for you.

What if someone just doesn't like working? Should they kill themselves? Because a lot of people don't.

Well then they have a lot of work to do on themselves. Laziness is a very self defeating state. You can either rise to life’s challenges and try to find meaning and satisfaction in what you do. Or you can lie on a sofa feeing sorry for yourself.

The cold hard truth of this is OP is that your sun is a drug dependent addict, and an addict will manipulate you to get what they want which is usually their next fix.

He makes these threats and talks about how shit you are as a mother and that only makes you give more and try harder. He knows exactly how to play you and you fall right into his trap every single time.

You need to cut him off completely and tell him that until he gets the help he needs you are done. It is tough, he will barrage you with messages full of emotional pleas and heartwrenching guilt trips but you must stand form on it. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever had to do but he will not change until you force his hand.

Emotional blackmail. I feel for you. My brother treated my mum similarly for years. Im not sure what the answer is but i di know in my brothers case, my mum giving in and throwing money at things was never the answer. ((((hugs))))) horrible situation i know

I blame the weed 100% ...I could have written this post about my own brother who smoked weed all his adult life and is now 55 . A selfish ,manipulative twat who has spent his life doing fuck all and blaming the family for all his poor life decisions!!

Your son is not going to switzerland for euthanasia he just wants some cash from you - probably for more drugs....

It is highly likely your son is a drug addict

you need to get this clear in your head and maybe talk to someone like nar-anon -they are support group for people affected by addicts... to help you see the woods for the trees

he may well be killing himself through his drug problems - but that is nothing you can help by giving him money..

if he is feeling so bad tell him to go to his gp and get help - if he refuses to go so be it ... he is an adult now you have to let him face his own consequences...

I would try and sort out the flat/rent situation - as you and your DP are guarentors.... that was probably not a smart move as he had no impetus to pay rent knowing you would always have to cover it...

possibly go and ask your gp for counselling/ help for youself - look up co-dependency - I bet there is a long history of you bending over backwards for your DS - and really feel for your DD cos its unlikely she has had a fraction of your time and attention that he has....

He’s being a manipulative little shit.

I'd let him crack on, tbh. If he was serious about it, he would have done it years ago. He just enjoys having someone to blame and torture. Best thing you can do is cut him off. I think he'll surprise you by how much he does "get it together". If he knows he's burnt his bridges he'll just have to.

And, if he does commit suicide, it isn't your fault. You've done a lot more than most people to help him. You can't live his life for him. Let him go.

I'm terribly sorry for you OP, this is a living nightmare. One good thing is that he obviously doesn't have a clue that once he gets to Switzerland, to be euthanised at Dignitas costs about £9,000 so the chance of him saving that amount sounds about zero.

As hard as it is maybe it's time to stop financially supporting him.

I am so sorry. This is one of those where reading from an outside perspective (also one where my children are much younger) I just want to shake him.

My heart goes out to you. I would urge like others have that you tell him you’re not going to entertain his emotional blackmail any longer, he needs to get help and take some responsibility.

Sorry for you OP but this sounds like another ploy to get money off you. He sounds like a very spoilt and idle brat to be honest, who needs to get off his arse and start acting like a grown up. The best thing for him, although he is too self-absorbed to ever consider it, would be to volunteer abroad (or in the UK but distance would be good for both of you!) where he will see people who have REAL actual hard lives and difficulties that he can't imagine. That or the army ... please stop facilitating his behaviour, hard I know as he's your son, but you need to toughen up and let him get on with it, and not be there to clean up his mess any more.

Having depression does not give you a free pass to be a dick to those around you.