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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to give up his rights to his son?

151 replies

IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:08

Ex is a car crash. Had a mid life crisis when I pregnant and left. Asked for forgiveness when baby was born but too much had happened. I gave him the opportunity to meet our son but his ultimatum was that he would only be a dad to him if I agreed to give it another shot. He pays maintenance through CMS.

I met someone else who has been amazing with my son. We’ve been together 3 years and are married. During the last 3 years I’ve tried to get ex to agree to adoption as I know it’s far easier to get this done if he agrees to it. He has refused countless times on the basis that one day we will be a happy family which is nuts.

Anyone had any experience obtaining consent from the courts for adoption without biological dads consent? Surely it’s in my sons best interests to have a father who loves him deeply rather than no father at all. Ex has never met him, bought a card or gift for him and only pays maintenance because he’s legally required to do so.

Any advice most welcomed.

OP posts:
TheTea · 22/12/2019 23:14

Don't see why you husband needs to adpot your son.

He's great with him and that's fab but why the neccesity? He's onltly 3 so it isn't even like he's having a say or it's been a substantial amount of time.

TheTea · 22/12/2019 23:15

Just read that again and realised youve been together 3 years not that your son is 2, my point remains.

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:16

It’s not really about my Dh adopting him as such, it’s more a safe guarding issue, I want to guarantee that my ex can’t just swan into my sons life and cause damage. I should have mentioned in my original post that he has been very abusive to me and others in the past and I know that in a family court this would not be enough to stop him having involvement with my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:18

I also never applied for maintenance. He contacted the CMS. I’ve informed him he should stop paying as we really don’t need the maintenance and he asked for me to set up a bank account for our son.

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LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/12/2019 23:20

You have almost no chance of having your husband adopt your son; even were your ex to agree to it.

You should look into your DH acquiring PR though; which is available for step parents.

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:23

lady - My ex has mentioned that sentiment to me but I don’t really understand how logically that can be. He has nothing to do with my son, he pays the minimum maintenance and has just abandoned him and has families elsewhere. Surely it would be in the best interests of my son to be adopted? To have a legal father they actually does want him?

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Soontobe60 · 22/12/2019 23:23

Does he not see his DS because you won't let him, or because he chooses not to?
Either way, you're being very unreasonable wanting him to be adopted just because you don't want his DF to try to see him in the future. Surely, your DS having such me relationship wit both parents is what you should be aiming for? Adoption can be a very damaging thing to happen, and be an absolute last resort. The courts will not allow your ur DH to adopt your DS even if his DF never sees himself again.

Rinoachicken · 22/12/2019 23:23

Is he on the birth certificate?

Andysbestadventure · 22/12/2019 23:27

Even if ex consents if you're in the UK this sort of thing does not happen, at all. He will have to just be his 'Dad', but legally his step parent.

I think you've been watching too many youtube videos or hollywood movies.

If you die in some freak accident, your Ex will be who DS gets handed too, fyi. The man he thinks is his Dad won't be able to do fuck all, as sad as it is.

You need to see about writing a will and setting up legal guardianship.

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:27

But I know of people in a similar situation who have successfully adopted, the difference was the ex agreed.

He doesn’t want to. He will see him only if he can come back and have a relationship with me. He’s not interested in his son one bit. He raped and assaulted me for years so no, if I had the choice I’d rather be not be a part of my sons life because as I said upthread he’s a car crash.

Why would the courts favour a blood tie that will likely never be realised than a man that really does love my son?

No he’s not on the BC but has threatened he’d try and get PR in the past. An empty threat because he has done nothing with it. He doesn’t have rights as such, but at any point could request access. How that must damage a child, a parent skipping merrily in and out of their lives.

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Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:29

Andy - We have been discussing the legal guardianship thing but does that trump the rights of my ex? I didn’t think it would hence it being moot.

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ElluesPichulobu · 22/12/2019 23:29

adoption isn't appropriate in this circumstance. your new dp can still be a brilliant step dad to your dc regardless of legal status. his bio dad will most probably always be useless. there's no benefit to your child to have his father utterly reject and relinquish him just so your new dp has a more neatly defined vacancy to occupy. families don't have to be neatly nuclear like that.

LolaSmiles · 22/12/2019 23:29

It sounds like a messy situation, but your new man (and it is reasonably new if we are thinking in terms of legally binding him to a child that isn't his) doesn't need to adopt your son to be a good father figure.

Your ex's relationship with his son (or lack of) is separate from your relationship with your ex. Even though he's not seeing his child, which is wrong, he does seem to be putting some things in place financially.

He would be foolish to stop paying maintenance on your say so because thats the sort of situation a parent could easily turn back down the line and say "your dad didn't see you and he didn't bother to pay etc".

Tigger001 · 22/12/2019 23:29

But your husband isn't his father, no matter how you go about it, the fact remains your ex is your childs father.

Your husband may be a great provider, role model and dad to your son, and this will be of great benefit to your son.

If he can get some joint parental responsibility or rights , great, but he will be his father. And it doesn't surprise me that his father does not want to give that up, no matter how useless he is.

PurpleDaisies · 22/12/2019 23:31

I want to guarantee that my ex can’t just swan into my sons life and cause damage.

Adoption won’t stop this.

Tigger001 · 22/12/2019 23:32

That should say but he will never be his father

IncrediblySadToo · 22/12/2019 23:32

You can’t rewrite history (or ‘safe guard’ 🙄 against him wanting to get to know his son at some stage) & like it or not he will always be DS’s Father & DS is entitled to know that.

Your Ex has, so far, opted out of being in DS’s life but has stepped up to paying - don’t tell him you don’t need it. Save it for DS if you don’t want to use it.

My advice would be to let sleeping dogs lie & stop nudging him- the more you make a fuss the more likely he is to decide he wants to ‘stake his claim’ on DS. The longer the the time he’s no contact & the older your son gets, the less chance there is of him being awarded contact in court.

Your DS can know who is Father is & who his Dad is.

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:33

Ok so perhaps my question should be, how can I protect my son from my psychopathic ex? I honestly can’t fathom why he’d want to be his legal father and having to pay a fairly hefty amount of maintenance each month for a child he doesn’t see. He has played no part in his life whatsoever. What possible reason could he have not to agree to this?

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Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:36

@IncrediblySadToo - I was under the impression the courts would allow contact even if he hadn’t seen his son for 10 years as they encourage the blood tie. I’m no lawyer so perhaps I’m wrong there and if so that is comforting.

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FairyBatman · 22/12/2019 23:38

Adoption is permanently severing the family tie between a child and their birth parent. The courts will only do it if either the birth parent agrees, or it is unquestionably the only option to allow a child to have a stable upbringing. The test used in court is that “ nothing else will do.”

You’ve no chance unless your ex will agree, and even then it would be questionable if it would be in your sons best interest.

Megan2018 · 22/12/2019 23:38

My mum was adopted by her step dad, but this was in the 1950’s so I’m not sure it would happen now. Her biological father left when she was 6 weeks old and never made contact again. My mum didn’t know until she was a teenager. She was adored by her step father but when it all came out it created lots of issues.
You may think adoption will cure all your issues but it would just create different ones for your son in the future.

IHateWashingUp2 · 22/12/2019 23:38

You can’t protect tbh, unless there’s hard evidence of harm.
He won’t give up his parental rights because a) they’re his rights and b) he’s selfish!

BlueEyedFloozy · 22/12/2019 23:39

YANBU to want him to piss off and have nothing to do with your DS if he isn't willing to be a Dad.

YABU to "expect" him to give up all rights his DS on your say so.

Child maintenance isn't about whether you need it or not, it's for your DS - in that respect atleast your ex his being pro-active. Banking the money for your DS' future send like a reasonable suggestion.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 22/12/2019 23:41

If he isn’t named on the birth certificate then why can’t you just say you don’t know who is father is when applying for your DH to adopt him? Or have your DHs name added to his birth certificate as if he is is father?

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:43

He was convicted of ABH against me but I know this won’t make a difference if he wanted contact with my son because there’s no evidence he’s a risk to him because he’s never ever met him. This system seems so broken and I naively believed the courts would grant the adoption because having an actual father is better for my son than none at all. That does not seem to be the case.

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