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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect him to give up his rights to his son?

151 replies

IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:08

Ex is a car crash. Had a mid life crisis when I pregnant and left. Asked for forgiveness when baby was born but too much had happened. I gave him the opportunity to meet our son but his ultimatum was that he would only be a dad to him if I agreed to give it another shot. He pays maintenance through CMS.

I met someone else who has been amazing with my son. We’ve been together 3 years and are married. During the last 3 years I’ve tried to get ex to agree to adoption as I know it’s far easier to get this done if he agrees to it. He has refused countless times on the basis that one day we will be a happy family which is nuts.

Anyone had any experience obtaining consent from the courts for adoption without biological dads consent? Surely it’s in my sons best interests to have a father who loves him deeply rather than no father at all. Ex has never met him, bought a card or gift for him and only pays maintenance because he’s legally required to do so.

Any advice most welcomed.

OP posts:
Aridane · 23/12/2019 02:48

Have I read this right - ie the boy's father has actually never met his son??

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 02:52

Thanks @OldieButaGoodie that’s really reassuring.

Yes @aridane - never met him

OP posts:
Aridane · 23/12/2019 03:08

You need to tell your son about his ‘father’ ( as opposed to his ‘dad’ / stepfather).

Father has never seen DS and may never to do. But soon needs to be aware before he learns it elsewhere - eg relatives, google, Anceztry DNA, the father himself

Aliceinunderland · 23/12/2019 06:38

I have vast experience of step parents adopting step children and its not as difficult or hard as you think. The court is always concerned about what is right for the child. I think your son is perhaps slightly young at the moment but it is a definite possibility in the future. Also, a parent doesn't have to agree to the adoption, the Court has the power to dispense with their consent. They do have the opportunity to respond to the application however so you could be opening up a can of worms if your sons biological father requests contact etc. It's all a balancing act to figure out what is best for the child.

Soontobe60 · 23/12/2019 08:02

From what you have written, you have been with your current partner for 3 years and have been trying to get your son adopted by him for 3 years??? How long have you been married?
You also say you want him adopted to keep him safe, to stop his father from having contact. And that his father has been paying £20k in maintenance each year. But has never seen his son?
I think your motives are not very clear. Your ex will never agree to the adoption by the sounds of it. If he is as rich as you say, he will be able to afford a shit hot legal team to stop this happening. Unless you have actual proof that will stand up in court of what you're says no about him, I doubt the courts will take any of it into account.

partyhatsoff · 23/12/2019 08:04

Whether you like it or not your ex IS your DS’ father and he doesn’t that’s to allow another man to adopt his child regardless of the relationship he has now with that child.
If anything you should be trying to facilitate your son having a relationship with his father.
Your current partner can still have PR and help raise the child.
He’ll would freeze over before I would allow another man or woman adopt my child.

WhatsInAName19 · 23/12/2019 08:31

I really wish people would stop telling OP that she should be attempting to establish contact between her son and a violent rapist who has done nothing to instigate a relationship with his son (conceived when he raped OP) himself.

partyhatsoff · 23/12/2019 09:07

If you want to trump the rights of your ex the. You need to go to court and prove that he’s an unfit father if he fights it. If he was violent etc. then you need to prove that. Or it could be argued that you’re lying to keep him from his child.
The longer he’s apart from his son the better as far as your concerned, if you rock the boat now and he goes for contact because of that he may get it through the courts. If he stays away voluntarily for another 5+ years the courts will look less favourably in him.

UserName31456789 · 23/12/2019 09:12

Don't see why you husband needs to adpot your son.

Oh come on! What if (god forbid) OP died, her ex could swan in and take back "his" son. What if her ex suddenly decides to apply for custody and start interfering in DS's life. Unfortunately she probably won't be able to force him to give up his rights but it's fairly obviously a good idea.

UserName31456789 · 23/12/2019 09:13

@partyhatsoff

God what a stupid idea. Why on earth would OP try to convince an unfit father who hasn't bothered to see his child to have access to him?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/12/2019 09:22

If anything you should be trying to facilitate your son having a relationship with his father.

This is bullshit. Please don't listen to it.

OP, go and seek some legal advice. Find out what you can/can't do. I'm all for co-parenting wherever possible (and co-parent with my Ex brilliantly, if I do say so) but this isn't what your son needs, and will never be appropriate.

You can't co-parent with an abuser, you can't do anything but batten down the hatches and protect yourself. I was adopted when I was 10 and can't tell you the security and warmth that adoption brought to my life. 28 years on and I am still so thankful every day that the people who adopted me gave me the love and security I needed. Biology means piss all when it comes to parenting; the people doing the parenting are the ones who are your parents.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 23/12/2019 09:23

Get legal advice OP. It’s worth every penny. Go straight to a Direct Access Barrister that specialises in this.

Your ex is a fucking monster who absolutely should not be anywhere near your DS, and thank fuck he has never been near your DS.

A social worker will be appointed by the court to determine what’s in your child’s best interests. Even if your ex doesn’t agree, the SW may well still recommend your DS is adopted.

As your ex doesn’t currently have any legal rights, it makes the situation slightly easier.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2019 09:30

partyhatsoff

"Whether you like it or not your ex IS your DS’ father and he doesn’t that’s to allow another man to adopt his child regardless of the relationship he has now with that child.
If anything you should be trying to facilitate your son having a relationship with his father."

Why should the OP facilitate a relationship with a violent rapist. Regardless if his 'status' as parent, he has not chosen to see his son, thankfully.

Umberta · 23/12/2019 09:47

"Biology means piss all when it comes to parenting; the people doing the parenting are the ones who are your parents."
@FudgeBrownie2019 hear hear!!! So true!

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/12/2019 09:49

Hi OP, a stepparent can make an application to adopt a stepchild through the courts and it is much easier if the biological parent doesn't have PR. Family courts always work around 'is this best for the child?'

The biological parent might be contacted for their opinion though.

As you ex is controlling and well off he might see this as a game and start the court process to get PR and contact etc just to spite you. Good luck.

FranticToddlerMum · 23/12/2019 09:51

Obviously getting rid of the parental rights of this horrible man is a good idea and it's absolutely right your husband who is the boy's father in the most real sense should be able to adopt him. Ignore the idiotic posters claiming the sperm donor's rights should trump the best interests of the child or the ones claiming you should just not bother doing anything because things are fine at the moment.

Really you need to get legal advice, it will be worth it in the end.

SimonJT · 23/12/2019 10:02

Genuinely shocked by how many people are on the side of the rapist and not the child. I assume those people would happily wave their own child off to stay with a rapist who also has convictions for domestic violence.

A biological parent does not have to consent to an adoption, the courts will decide what is in the best interests of the child.

When I had my adoption hearing this year I was the only one that day that wasn’t a step parent adoption.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/12/2019 10:02

Do you have evidence of your ex refusing to meet your son? His argument might be that he has tried but you have withheld contact from him and refused to put him on the BC.

You made the right decision to leave him off bc but he has also been clever by paying maintenance.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2019 10:22

Please go and see a solicitor to ask for advice about giving your DH PR.

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2019 10:23

Simon I would imagine many people voted on reading the OP and not the subsequent updates.

Either way, it not siding with the ex to suggest that 3 years in is quick to decide that someone else will become legally bound to a child. It's possible to think an ex is awful without automatically agreeing that forcing adoption against the parent's will is the right action.

The ex could be the biggest arsehole on earth, but that doesn't mean it's morally right to push for adoption and then erase the child's father from their life story. The truth is the child has a biological father (who may be a feckless waste of space) and an amazing stepfather who nurtures and fulfils the fatherly role day in day out.

FranticToddlerMum · 23/12/2019 10:27

The ex could be the biggest arsehole on earth, but that doesn't mean it's morally right to push for adoption and then erase the child's father from their life story.

Don't be silly. No one is able to erase him from the life story that's not what adoption is in any circumstances. It's erasing the parental rights of someone who is a violent rapist and domestic abuser and giving the man who has spent 3 years fathering the son rights over his child. What if OP died as PP suggested and the ex came forward and wanted custody - that would be in the best interests of the child?

Collaborate · 23/12/2019 11:08

The notion that you think him unreasonable because he won't give his child up for adoption is quite appalling.

Redlocks28 · 23/12/2019 11:21

Goodness, he earns £200k with a criminal record for violence!

OP, horrible as he sounds-he is your child’s father and always will be. If he won’t consent to adoption, it is unlikely to ever happen

Somebodystired · 23/12/2019 11:33

OP in the kindest way, you do need to tell your son the truth as soon as possible. Even though his bio dad is a cunt, he needs to know (and is exactly why social workers insist that adoptive parents are always honest with their adopted children).

Start small - it doesnt have to be a conversation but something said in passing. And to start with, dont use the word 'dad'. Something along the lines of "before mummy met daddy, she had a friend called Steve. Steve turned out to not be very nice, so we dont see him anymore, but actually it was steve that helped to make you into a baby, and actually that's the best thing steve ever did!".

As he grows and matures you can change the language to biological father, and discuss how he wasnt nice at all. But those couple of sentences are all you need to do to open a lifetime of honesty about your sons history. Ideally this should be done from the start but please do it now, he is not too late.

partyhatsoff · 23/12/2019 11:54

So you haven’t actually told your son that the guy that you’re with isn’t his real father?
I’d start with rectifying that, he won’t forgive you if he hears it from somewhere else.

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