To expect him to give up his rights to his son?

[IloveJonHamm]

Ex is a car crash. Had a mid life crisis when I pregnant and left. Asked for forgiveness when baby was born but too much had happened. I gave him the opportunity to meet our son but his ultimatum was that he would only be a dad to him if I agreed to give it another shot. He pays maintenance through CMS.

I met someone else who has been amazing with my son. We’ve been together 3 years and are married. During the last 3 years I’ve tried to get ex to agree to adoption as I know it’s far easier to get this done if he agrees to it. He has refused countless times on the basis that one day we will be a happy family which is nuts.

Anyone had any experience obtaining consent from the courts for adoption without biological dads consent? Surely it’s in my sons best interests to have a father who loves him deeply rather than no father at all. Ex has never met him, bought a card or gift for him and only pays maintenance because he’s legally required to do so.

Any advice most welcomed.

I suggest you do not try to fix this by adopt ling someone's child without their consent (?!) but instead to the more normal route of stepfather accepting parental responsibility.

In the meantime if there is an issue where you think your child should not have access to their father and the father not have access to their child, take legal advice and get something done about it.

Separating a parent from their child is obviously one of the gravest tragedies in life, but if it is necessary it can be done without adoption.

If he is paying the "bare minimum" but it is" quite a hefty sum" then bank it for your son, after all , it is for him anyway.

If he isn’t named on the birth certificate then why can’t you just say you don’t know who is father is when applying for your DH to adopt him? Or have your DHs name added to his birth certificate as if he is is father?

Because that would be lying on legal documents and the ex has been paying child support through CMS. There is a paper trail that the partner is not the father.

@WireBrushAndDettolMaam - isn’t the fact ex pays maintenance proof? I’d be scared I’d be committing an illegal act by making the false statement.

@Tigger001 he earns £200k a year so yes, 10% - £20k is a fair whack in my opinion.

@PurpleDaisies those were my thoughts

Or have your DHs name added to his birth certificate as if he is is father?

Possibly the most ridiculous ‘advice’ I’ve ever come across. Do not even consider this OP.

Think about how your child will feel when he's an adult, knowing that you were trying to get another man to adopt him. You've been with this man for 3 years. Hardly a lifetime. What if it goes tits up further down the line?

I remember when my Mum told me when I was a child that my stepdad was going to adopt me, which was clearly driven out of anger towards my dad and not what was best for me. Looking back, she was definitely using my sister and I as weapons against my biological dad. Facts are facts, and your partner of just 3 years adopting your child is not going to change the reality that you laid down with this man and made a child. Live with it.

There’s a news story here of a mother who lied on the birth certificate and was jailed for eight months.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7477527/amp/Mother-30-jailed-lying-babys-father-birth-certificate.html

Or have your DHs name added to his birth certificate as if he is is father?
Because this would be illegal?!
I would personally investigate the adoption route/legal guardianship. The biggest issue would be if you were to die - the possibility of your ex being given responsibility would be too big a risk for you to do nothing

isn’t the fact ex pays maintenance proof?

Oh yes. Well that’s that out the window then!

Sorry OP, I wish there was a way round this for you. Fed up of abusive men holding women and children to ransom. He adds zero benefit to your sons life whatsoever.

Lots of people giving you false information here
A social worker and then a judge could very well decide that it's in your Son's best interest to be adopted by your husband-and indeed probably would if your ex has never even bothered to meet him!
I'm happy to message you with our adoption story (we were in a very similar situation to you) if it would be helpful?

You'd be better posting this in legal, OP. I can completely understand why you would want to protect your son and ensure he has stability (if something were to happen to you for example). You need actual legal advice from someone qualified, but in the meantime there may be some knowledgeable posters on the legal board.

I wouldn't totally trust what peole are saying on here. Seek some legal advice from a law firm that specialises in childcare cases.
I would have thought that the fact that your ex isn't on the birth cert would mean that he doesn't actually have parental responsibility at this stage (but i'm only surmising this). He could apply to the court for this though i guess.
I have known of step parents getting parental responsibility. This may give you the legal security that you are seeking for your ds with regard to his step father. I can fully understand why you want your husband to have some legal standing with your ds and this would be really important if anything happened to you.

Hes done well to earn 200k with a criminal record.

A) Bank the money he pays for DS if you don't immediately need it - that will be a nice nest egg for DS later.
B) Don't engage with the father if he is an abusive PITA. If he is particularly tiresome, look into restraining or non-molestation orders to keep him at bay
C) Take some legal advice about ways to ensure - or at least give the best chance of - your husband becoming your DS' guardian if you drop dead.

What possible reason could he have not to agree to this?

Putting it simply Control.

He doesn't care about your son... He cares about what " he" wants and at the moment he sees your son as a link towards you.

You can't do anything about that.

I would try to go for parental rights for your oh (providing you are married) he "might" agree to that but you are better of having some serious provision for your son to ensure he is taken care off if something happens to you.

I just read that he's not on the birth certificate?? In the laws eyes he's not got any legal tie to your/his son apart from biologically & monetary which he did voluntarily. You can protect your son from your ex as much as you see fit and he would need to apply and actually be granted PR's for anything to change. I would absolutely apply for your hubby to be granted parental rights though. I know it's hard on the days he may have clarity but he really missed the boat not having his name on the birth certificate, you could literally move country without his consent!!!

Hi IloveJonHamm, my family set up is similar to yours, but I'm the child in the scenario. I can't offer any practical advice because I'm 49 and I'm sure the legal system is different now, but thought my experience may be of interest. My Mum had me at 19 and as far as I know my biological father saw very little of me as he finished with her within a year of me being born. He was a drug user and generally unreliable. My Mum then went to college and I lived with my grandparents, but she met and in due course married a man she met there. After they married they went through the process of adoption, the difference to your set up being that they had permission from my biological father. However, I can honestly say that knowing that my Dad went to the effort of adopting me meant the world to me and still does. He's the only father I've ever known and it was so important to me to know that he actively chose to do so legally, especially when my brother was born a few years later, because it made me feel that I was wanted in my own right and not just an add on to my mother. I'm not saying this is the right option for everybody, but I thought I'd offer an opinion from someone who has lived this. My biological father has not seen me since I was under a year and has never sought to do so.

@KindnessCrusader if you could honestly I’d be ever so grateful.

The decision to permanently separate my ex from my son is not something I’ve taken lightly. It has taken me many years of contemplation and finally I’ve decided this really is the best approach for my son.

I got pregnant with my son through repeatedly being raped by my ex. I my contraception would be routinely hidden and if I were caught sneakily taking it I’d be beaten. My ex was a monster. He hit me too many times to recall but the mental abuse I sustained was far worse. I tried to end my life so many times to get away from him. I thought it was me, I was weak but I’ve spoken to others who have suffered him and each of us tell the same story.

He has tried to come back into my life repeatedly throughout the last 6 years, using my son as a weapon, threatening me that he will take him away if I don’t let him back in. A restraining order won’t protect my son because the threats are levied at me, not him.

So whilst it may appear that I’m being selfish I’m really not, safeguarding IS a real thing here and not because I have some romanticised ideal of a nuclear family.

If your son is adopted, then presumably his biological father would have no right later to go to court to force contact. (I don’t know if that’s true - I’m assuming)

Doesn’t stop his contacting your (say) 14 year old and asking to see him, luring him in with money and a child’s natural curiosity about her real father.

I am sorry for how he treated you, and please don’t think I think he should be a father. But how would you react to your 14yo saying “you had no fucking right to legally take away my father”? I could see that backfiring hugely, especially if your ex was manipulating him.

And adoption will not prevent that.

I would concentrate on not having any contact with ex, banking the money for your son, and allowing your husband to continue to build a strong relationship with your son. Far better than you son decides, aged 12 (say) that he wants to be adopted by a father who by this point has been around and proved himself for more than just a few years.

I think your son choosing his stepfather as a father (either legally or emotionally) would be far more powerful than an adoption forcing the legal relationship on an unknowing child.

I don’t know if it would protect your DS. You say he turns up sporadically? I don’t know about the court system but I think people who play havoc are always going to chance their arm.

All I can say is that I understand your feelings, and it will get better. One of the things that has worked for me with useless Ex is just leaving everything up to him. He battered me emotionally over seeing our DS and he wasn’t seeing him enough etc, and then when I stopped facilitating it or helping to he just couldn’t be bothered.

At the heart of it your Ex just isn’t that bothered. He will try and wield his power every now and then but really, he doesn’t do much? Don’t respond to him, or just short one word answers. Slowly just let him slide out of the picture. Don’t read nasty emails, and never talk on your phone to him or respond to texts, unless it is polite and about an arrangement. Help your son be confident by saying he can have some control over things, tell him to tell you if he’s uncomfortable about anything, and be clear with your son that some behaviour is not okay.

I’d also contact a social worker and talk through how to safeguard your son when he’s with your Ex and build up a relationship with a professional about this.

Oh you poor woman
Cross posted with your update.
Do you not think that trying to get your arsehole ex to relinquish the one area of power he thinks he has would just be a red rag to a bull?
I can’t see that he’s ever agree to it - and would instead be more likely to start contact to punish you. I would really let sleeping dogs lie on this one (although I’m an inexperienced internet random, so I’d actually say speak to Women’s Aid for advice)

Please get professional legal advice on the best way to protect your son.

Good luck.

Thank you thank you thank you for all of the comments on here. @Sentry70 your post made me cry. I thought my son would feel exactly the same way. DH and I are planning on expanding our family and I want my son to feel as loved and as wanted.

Perhaps my son would hit back and ask why I forced the adoption but it wouldn’t be hard to understand given the circumstances. I wouldn’t want to poison him against his bio-dad but the facts are what they are. My ex will only ever use my son as a tool. And yes, to exert his control.

I am going to contact a solicitor I think to talk through this. Guardianship upon death is something I need to do something about and pronto.

Oh and about the BC - he’s asked to be added to it countless times and each time I refuse. I keep expecting a letter from his solicitor requesting PR because he threatens that every few weeks.