To expect him to give up his rights to his son?

[IloveJonHamm]

Ex is a car crash. Had a mid life crisis when I pregnant and left. Asked for forgiveness when baby was born but too much had happened. I gave him the opportunity to meet our son but his ultimatum was that he would only be a dad to him if I agreed to give it another shot. He pays maintenance through CMS.

I met someone else who has been amazing with my son. We’ve been together 3 years and are married. During the last 3 years I’ve tried to get ex to agree to adoption as I know it’s far easier to get this done if he agrees to it. He has refused countless times on the basis that one day we will be a happy family which is nuts.

Anyone had any experience obtaining consent from the courts for adoption without biological dads consent? Surely it’s in my sons best interests to have a father who loves him deeply rather than no father at all. Ex has never met him, bought a card or gift for him and only pays maintenance because he’s legally required to do so.

Any advice most welcomed.

@saving - this is my very real fear. If my son were adopted he would never be awarded contact and would have no rights whatsoever. Post consent to the adoption he could never acquire rights through the courts. It’s why adoption is my only choice to safeguard my boy.

The law Is so tragically flawed.

My understanding is that if his name isn't on the birth certificate your ex does not have PR and would have to go through family courts if you did not agree contact. If he did apply to court you should then get legal
Advice yourself.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I have nightmares about having the ‘chat’ with my son, even keeping it light. I really need to think about this. I’ll do whatever is emotionally better for him. I don’t want him to have trust issues with me when he’s older. This is such a head fuck.

I hate my ex with such passion I just wish he’d fuck off for good and leave me live my life with my lovely family.

I think lying to your son is a high risk strategy when you know his dad is a manipulative, abusive narcissist hell bent on control.

How does it look at 14 when his dad appears via Facebook type message and says he stepped back because you and he just could never get along, so he thought it was best for his son... but look! I always paid huge amounts of CMS and refused when she asked me to give you up legally - because I hoped we could meet when you were old enough not to be confused. I’m not proud of how I treated your mum - but we were young and we just couldn’t help arguing and fighting each other.

How much more plausible is his father as the good guy, if he’s also vulnerable because he’s going through “everything you told me is a lie”?

Of course none of that might happen, but I don’t think it’s beyond possible, at all.

You don’t have to say his dad didn’t want him. At the age, you tell him his father wasn’t kind to you and you left before he even knew him.

Yes, you’ll face questions, and it’s shit you have to deal with that over the years. But growing up knowing it is different to it being dumped on you as a hormonal teen - especially if it’s dumped on you by Surprise Dad

@shinynewapplesonachristmastree - that’s my understanding also. But that wasn’t my OP. It was about adoption as a means to safeguard my son. Contact is very rarely denied.

@Ellisandra - I think you’ve hit the nail on the head for me. It’s something my ex would definitely do. Constantly playing the victim and manipulating people at their most vulnerable.

Ok OP so tell him now when it won’t mean as much to him. Trust me, you’ll feel relieved that you’ve done it. With the amount of CM his dad provides it would be worth investing in some professional advice as to how to share the news to him in the most sensitive way.

Trust me, it will be easier to tell him than you think. Kids are logical and do not think much of the blood tie (whatever you do, do not use the phrase "real father"). If he's anything like me, he'll just have a vague sense of revulsion for this unknown violent man whose only input into his life was sperm donation. Do not worry. Later when he asks questions, answer them all, but without giving more details than he asks for. Your relationship and trust bond will be stronger. Kids can handle so much more than you think, except secrets and lies

Just speaking to DH about this and we think maybe in the new year looking for a lawyer and a child therapist to get some advice on how we handle things and telling him in a way that doesn’t make him feel unwanted and abandoned which is pitifully what happened.

Great update, OP. It’s the best way forward

I think it’s “good” (sorry to use that word) that you have proof in the ABH conviction.
One day your son will know that his biological father wasn’t a good man - and maybe he’ll struggle with that (and you can help him, and get him help) and maybe he really won’t.
I grew up with 2 friends who knew their fathers were simply arseholes.

I would wait for a ‘where babies come from’ conversation - in fact, I’d manipulate it - farm visits at Easter! Then in amongst the chat I’d say “of course, all families are different - not everyone lives with the people whose sperm and egg made them. Did you know that your daddy is the daddy that has always brought you up, but not the one that made you?” Younger children can be surprisingly accepting.

But do get in contact with Women’s Aid and her advice from them on where to get support from for this kind of conversation

@ IloveJonHamm I can hardly tell my 5 year old that he has a father out there who doesn’t want him. What damage would that to?

My DH (dp) as he was back then adopted my eldest dd via a step parent adoption when she was 5 and it was part of the process that I had to have told my dd about her bio dad and about the adoption in an age appropriate way - it formed part of social services assessment and report that was given to the courts.

It would be worth contacting the adoption team of your local ss to speak to them about it, ours were really helpful and talked to me about my reasons for looking at step parent adoption and the options for parental responsibility plus they where very forthcoming as to whether thought adoption itself would be granted for our specific circumstances.

My dd has always known that dh is her step father and over the years as she’s asked more questions about her bio father we’ve answered them as best we can in as age appropriate way as possible and she knows that when or if she is ready to seek him out we will facilitate and support her as much as we can.

Her bio-dad didn’t explicitly give consent for the adoption however was contacted and spoken to briefly by ss although dodged their subsequent calls to discuss It in detail.

Honestly kids are adaptable and I would use the discussion to say that you, DH and ds are a family. That his daddy loves him so much. Kids are adaptable and I think it will be far easier to tell him now and he accepts that as part of his past rather than it be a big shock much later on.

it’s so encouraging to hear some of you have successfully managed this with no impact to your children. That has been my biggest concern and it seems adoption is a very real possibility.

I wonder if I’d would help if I compiled more evidence of the abuse. Not just the ABH but the coercive control. I wonder if that would help an application. He definitely won’t consent, giving me up for good is out of the question for him and our son is our only tie now. But maybe o won’t need it.

You definitely need to make your DS aware that he has a biological father (no matter how worthless that biofather is, lying about it is a terrible, terrible thing to do because it always gets found out in the end) Tell him a polite, kind, age appropriate version of the truth - that his bio-dad was one of those people who are just not very good at being parents - or partners - and that you and your DH love DS very much.

Rightly or wrongly your ex is his father and therefore has rights, it’s up to your son to decide when he is old enough, if he wants to have a relationship with him not you.
I know this sounds harsh and I do feel for you, if you are worried that your ex may harm him you can take steps to protect him. However this doesn’t stop your husband being his dad.

You may be married to your other half but if your son is only 3 then you can't have been with him long enough to know him well enough to have him adopt your child.
I've had 3 previous 4 year long relationships. None of them worked out.

As others have said, he doesn't NEED to adopt him. Also, it's impossible for your ex to give up rights to his child in this country.

I think you need to be honest with your son and let him know that he has a biological father, although the man you are married to and who is helping to raise your son is his dad. I've known someone find out in their 20's that the man they thought was their dad actually wasn't and it devastated him and he attacked his mum for keeping the truth from him for all those years.

I completely understand why you don't want your abusive ex to have anything to do with your son, and I would most likely be the same if in your position.

My son is 5 @Shesalittlemadam and I’ve known my DH for almost 5 of those years. Some people have multiple children within a 5 year timeframe so I’m happy I know my DH well enough and that he will make a suitable legal father.

And if you’d read my actual thread shes - her bio dad has no PR as he’s not listed on the BC. I’m wanting him to be adopted which would sever any legal rights that he could seek to acquire in the future.

@CuntyMcBollocks - I love your name but it rather reminds me of my ex 😂😂😂. I think I’m convinced we need to sit down and tell my little boy. We are going to get some help to do this in a thoughtful way.

*his

ILoveJohnHam thankfully I'm nothing like your ex, but I do love to swear on occasion. I know when people are talking about my ex as they call him nob face, dick head etc I hope you can get the outcome that you want. Do what you need to do for your son. I wish you all the best

I fully understand why you want to not tell your son and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

The thing is, if you don't tell him your partner is not his biological dad until adulthood there's a good chance someone else will, social media makes finding someone so easy, I myself found out my Dad had a baby he abandoned and my brother tracked her down in Facebook with two clicks, my brother contacted her Mum first because if we found out our sister had been raised to think someone else was her father we'd have kept away out of respect but her Mother had always told her she had two dads, she didn't need to tell her about the abuse part until she was an adult but she was always aware she had a biological dad out there.

My friend taised her dhs baby as hers as she met her dh when he was six months old and they raised him to believe she was his biological mother, his ex girlfriend was very unwelll when she had her baby and agreed to him taking the baby, she had an older child who stayed with her. Everything was going well until friends stepson was 12 and the older sibling contacted him on Facebook and then turned up on their doorstep. The son wasn't allowed Facebook but my friend and his Dad did. I thing to monitor his online activity. It had a massive negative impact on the boys relationship with his entire family on Dads side which is still very rocky two years later.

I fully understand why you don't want your son to know who is Biological father is, I just wanted to say that even if your partner was able to adopt him, it may not stop your son finding out until he's an adult.

I'm in Australia, but my nephew was legally adopted by his step father and his birth father agreed & signed.
It's been a wonderful relationship between my nephew & (step) father, who's been 100 times the dad than the birth father ever was.

Good luck and I can see why you want to do it - look into it, but good luck getting the birth-dad to agree

Also, my nephew always knew he had a different birth dad - he was 6mths old when my sister left and was 5 when legally adopted when his mum re-married.