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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to give up his rights to his son?

151 replies

IloveJonHamm · 22/12/2019 23:08

Ex is a car crash. Had a mid life crisis when I pregnant and left. Asked for forgiveness when baby was born but too much had happened. I gave him the opportunity to meet our son but his ultimatum was that he would only be a dad to him if I agreed to give it another shot. He pays maintenance through CMS.

I met someone else who has been amazing with my son. We’ve been together 3 years and are married. During the last 3 years I’ve tried to get ex to agree to adoption as I know it’s far easier to get this done if he agrees to it. He has refused countless times on the basis that one day we will be a happy family which is nuts.

Anyone had any experience obtaining consent from the courts for adoption without biological dads consent? Surely it’s in my sons best interests to have a father who loves him deeply rather than no father at all. Ex has never met him, bought a card or gift for him and only pays maintenance because he’s legally required to do so.

Any advice most welcomed.

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 23/12/2019 00:05

The test used in court is that “ nothing else will do.”

That’s not correct. The test used by the court is ‘what is in the best interests of the child’.

And yes, step parent adoption DOES happen in the Uk and not just in Hollywood movies Hmm.

www.gov.uk/child-adoption/adopting-a-stepchild

However in this case, I suspect that a court will not be willing to dispense with the bio fathers consent, and the Child’s welfare would be equally secured by a less drastic order.

But I’m not a lawyer.

On a practical level, I agree with the Pp who said that starting adoption proceedings may wind up the bio father and it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 00:10

Don’t be so sure that your son would understand your reasons. Angry, impulsive, emotional teens - even those not being manipulated by arsehole fathers - are not know for their adult levels of understanding and empathy. Of course plenty of teens weather those turbulent years with just minor blow outs. But I wouldn’t put money on him understanding, I’m sorry to say.

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 00:12

@ellisandra - if it means he’s safe I’m ok with him being angry with me I think.

OP posts:
Sentry70 · 23/12/2019 00:12

Best of luck Ilove, I would be taking the same approach as you. I am so very sorry that you endured such horrendous treatment Flowers.

GabsAlot · 23/12/2019 00:12

hes an absuive monster-whenyou got the cms letter u should have thrown it away hes not on the bc you could have said it was a nutter trying to say he was the father and not accept the money
But its done now and i dont blame you to want to get this man out of your life

i wonder how many other women would let their child see their rapist father

Melanin5 · 23/12/2019 00:14

How old is your son (forgive me if I missed this info) and is he aware that your DH is not his bio father?

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 00:16

Thanks @Sentry70 and for sharing your story with me. I’m so glad everything worked out for you.

@GabsAlot from the looks of the vote a majority which seems insane to me. He could have enforced a paternity test, I did look into it. He wasn’t stupid when he insisted on the maintenance. He knew it would establish a link to my son. The bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 00:18

@Melanin5 he’s 5. He doesn’t know anything and calls my DH daddy. He was very young when I met my DH so knows no different.

OP posts:
Umberta · 23/12/2019 00:21

"Separating a parent from their child is obviously one of the gravest tragedies in life,"
What rubbish. Separating a child from a violent rapist is not "a grave tragedy". The blood tie is absolutely not more important than the safety of a child! Is this poster maybe someone who would stay with a domestic‐abusing partner "for the sake of the children"?? Please, no! OP you are doing the right thing!

AlfredoTheFrog · 23/12/2019 00:22

It's definitely possible to adopt a step-child in the UK - this happened in my brother's family, his ex wife's new husband adopted their son.

I don't know for sure but I think DB must have consented to giving up parental responsibility.

Melanin5 · 23/12/2019 00:22

Ok I see. His biological father sounds vile. But the earlier your son is made aware ( in an age appropriate way) that he has a bio father who is different to your DH then the better. You need to avoid the shock of him finding out when he’s older.

NearlyGranny · 23/12/2019 00:22

I think his not being in the birth certificate weakens his position considerably, OP. You were very wise to leave him off.

I think there is every chance your DH can adopt him, but you need to have an hour or so with s good family law expert for advice on how to proceed.

Your ex would need to begin by going to court to get an order for DNA sampling, but he would have a long, difficult road to travel! He would need to show he has a substantive relationship with the child, and clearly he hasn't. He may be hoping the money he has paid gives him some claim: it doesn't.

He has no rights. Parents don't have rights, only responsibilities. Your child is the one with all the rights.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/12/2019 00:23

Honeestly do not engage with your tosspot XP at all, and seek legal advice on how to safeguard your son.
Remember that your XP has no rights whatsoever to any contact with you. If he were to try and seek contact with your DS he would have to jump through a whole lot of hoops; you could make it very difficult for him and even if he got some kind of contact awarded by a court, it could be supervised by a third party so you need never have anything to do with him. If his motivation is (as it sounds) to harass you, this is nothing to be scared of because he will fuck off and not pursue it if stonewalled.

GabsAlot · 23/12/2019 00:25

Yes you need to be honest op one day i agree and yes its up to him when hes an adult if he ants to see him

but that bastard should be kept away while hes a minor-hope it work out for you

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 00:26

I thought it was possible and am encouraged by these posts. Consent isn’t always necessary I don’t think but it’s damn hard without it I think. He doesn’t have PR but the payment of maintenance makes it difficult for me. I need his consent but that would mean him losing control which to a narcissist is a definite no go.

@melanin - I can hardly tell my 5 year old that he has a father out there who doesn’t want him. What damage would that to? Wouldn’t it damage a 10 year old? A 14 year old? I’d rather not say anything at all if I can help it. What child benefits from knowing his bio-dad is a narc rapist that batters women?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 23/12/2019 00:26

For once i dont agree with the mn jury on this

Naillig222 · 23/12/2019 00:28

So do you never plan on telling him that his step dad isn't really his dad? Ever?

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 00:28

I’m going to set up an appt with a solicitor in the New Year and am really encouraged and touched by the posts. I just want to keep my little boy safe. Not interested in revenge or punishment just making sure he grows up in a loving, safe space.

OP posts:
Naillig222 · 23/12/2019 00:30

Gabsalot, in fairness most people voted after reading the OP. It wasn't until later that him being a 'narc rapist that batters women' was mentioned.

Original poster
IloveJonHamm · 23/12/2019 00:31

I’m shocked with the vote @GabsAlot but maybe they haven’t read the whole thread.

@Naillig222 - yes when he’s a grown adult. By that time I would hope he would have a greater understanding of adult relationships. I would hope that he would understand that I did what I did to protect him. I just wouldn’t want to tell him as a child.

OP posts:
Naillig222 · 23/12/2019 00:32

And just to clarify, I'm not for a minute suggesting that it isn't true. I just mean that would explain the results of the vote.

Savingshoes · 23/12/2019 00:33

... how can I protect my son from my psychopathic ex?
After a previous thread relating to a woman wanting to up sticks and move her little family far far away from her rapist (not convicted) as he was having unsupervised weekend visits with their child it seems like the answer to your question is, you can't. Xmas Sad

From what I can gather (and I have no experience in law), your son's father would be encouraged to apply to be registered on the birth certificate and apply for PR if he contacted solicitors etc for advice and sadly unless he's been proven as a threat to children, your son's biological father's rights of a family life will be supported by law. Xmas Confused

Umberta · 23/12/2019 00:34

Tell your son... you dont need to tell him the details, you can keep it simple, maybe one day when you explain what biological parents are. My dad left when I was a baby and I always knew he was a bit of a loser (to put it mildly), from a much younger age than 5. (Although tbf he did see us sometimes and I got to witness his temper for myself) My mum was very open and I'm pretty sure i never felt damaged... if I'd found out she'd kept anything secret that would have been more damaging as a betrayal of trust. Kids can be damaged by truth/trust issues

Melanin5 · 23/12/2019 00:35

OP, of course you don’t tell him all of that. He needs to know that there was another man who helped to make him but that your DH is now his dad. Of course he’ll ask questions as he gets older but he has the right to know. If he finds out at 14 he’ll likely have issues over trust. I advise you as a professional in the field. Ive been present when older children have found out about their paternity which has been painful. Also You cannot guarantee that he won’t find out through other means. That’s not fair on him.

GabsAlot · 23/12/2019 00:35

Yes fair enough you can change it though