To expect him to give up his rights to his son?

[IloveJonHamm]

Ex is a car crash. Had a mid life crisis when I pregnant and left. Asked for forgiveness when baby was born but too much had happened. I gave him the opportunity to meet our son but his ultimatum was that he would only be a dad to him if I agreed to give it another shot. He pays maintenance through CMS.

I met someone else who has been amazing with my son. We’ve been together 3 years and are married. During the last 3 years I’ve tried to get ex to agree to adoption as I know it’s far easier to get this done if he agrees to it. He has refused countless times on the basis that one day we will be a happy family which is nuts.

Anyone had any experience obtaining consent from the courts for adoption without biological dads consent? Surely it’s in my sons best interests to have a father who loves him deeply rather than no father at all. Ex has never met him, bought a card or gift for him and only pays maintenance because he’s legally required to do so.

Any advice most welcomed.

You can explain that there are different parts of being a dad. One part is providing the sperm to grow the baby in mums tummy. Another part of being the person who loved and cares for the child and brings them up.

In some families, it’s the same man who does both bits of being a dad. In others, like yours , it’s “Steve” who put the sperm in you to grow Ds and his dad who does the other part.

Please be measured in what you say about Steve. Remember he had a good side to him otherwise you wouldn’t have got past the first date. Some of these good qualities are in his son.

I say this not I repeat NOT to protect Steve. I say this for your son sake. His father is half of his genetics . He doesn’t get that now but he will in a few years. You don’t want him to think that half of him is evil.

When he is older, you will need to tell him more about Steve in an age appropriate way.

If you son asks to meet him, explain that you and he feel out when you were pregnant, that Steve went off as sadly he wasn’t ready to be a dad (assuming that’s true ) . That he wasn’t ready to be a a dad to any child, he didn’t make very good choices in his own life.

Say that he never met your son, or he would have seen what a very special child he is. And how very proud and happy his ( step) dad is so get to be the dad who cares for him every day.

It’s important he know his bio dad didn’t leave because he was a bad baby.

When he’s a little older, maybe 5-6, your son might express sadness that he doesn’t know Steve. Please don’t tell him not to feel like that, because he’s got his SD / you / whatever.

Tell him its ok to be sad, that what Steve did wasn’t fair and it was a bad decision, because if you make a baby you are supposed to care for it.

Don’t tell lies about why he didn’t stay eg he was sick, he had to work. That can make children think that you/ his SD might leave too.

FranticToddlerMum
No, adoption isn't erasure but deciding "my current partner of a couple of years has been a good father figure and you've only known him so I'll try to have you legally adopted and not tell you the truth" is erasure and that's what it sounds like the OP wants to do.

somebodystired has it spot on here:

OP in the kindest way, you do need to tell your son the truth as soon as possible. Even though his bio dad is a cunt, he needs to know (and is exactly why social workers insist that adoptive parents are always honest with their adopted children).

The OP shouldn't be rewriting history around her current relationship.

@partyhatsoff

If anything you should be trying to facilitate* your son having a relationship with his father. Your current partner can still have PR and help raise the child. He’ll would freeze over before I would allow another man or woman adopt my child.*

Hell would freeze over before most responsible, loving parents thought it best to facilitate a relationship between their child and a violent rapist.

Had a bolding fail and wanted to be clear...

@partyhatsoff

If anything you should be trying to facilitate* your son having a relationship with his father. Your current partner can still have PR and help raise the child.* Hell would freeze over before I would allow another man or woman adopt my child.

Hell would freeze over before most responsible, loving parents thought it best to facilitate a relationship between their child and a violent rapist.

I give up on the bolding. @partyhatsoff I can only hope you wrote what you did without realising the backstory of OPs ex's behaviour.

If the father has been violent towards OP then she needs to get that recognised in some way if she’s planning on preventing any future relationship between the two. At the moment it’s just her word against his if he decides to try to have PR, he’s paying maintenance already which goes in his favour. Otherwise he’ll argue that she’s made it up as she wants to play happy families with the new boyfriend and cut him out of DS life entirely.
OP you should get yourself some legal advice ASAP if you’re planning on going forward with this.

And no my original replies didn’t take into acct the info that he’s a ‘violent rapist’ that should probably have been in the original post given the seriousness of the allegation and would have made more of an argument for OP

You do need a lawyer bit you don't need a child therapist. Just sit him down and say that easy loves him and will always live him but he's body parts biology is from a man who mummy no longer contacts because H E was mean to mummy. I knew this myself from the age of say 3 and I never worried or questioned it as I grew up knowing and my mum had been honest.

He is 5 and you can explain in very basic terms right away whilst reassuring him and answering any questions he may have. Over time you can tell him more as he matures etc.

A secret is damaging and the loss of trust after discovering a secret is far worse than growing up secure that mummy and daddy live you and that daddy chooses to love you.

Should be no caps on he

OP if he's not on the birth certificate as far as I know he wouldn't have a say in any of it or be made aware of any of it through the courts. He doesn't have parental rights anyway if he's not on the BC until he proves otherwise.

He’s obviously in some contact as he is paying maintenance so usurping him as the child’s father may not be as straight forWrd as some people are saying. Doesn’t matter if he’s not on the BC as a DNA test will soon prove he is the father of you dispute that he is

@partyhatsoff given that you already recognised that the OP gave more information after her first post, do you not think it might be worth reading that if you’re going to continue giving an opinion?

Her word against his?

Actually, her word plus his conviction for ABH against her.

Clearly people are responding from their own emotional viewpoint here. Of course most people would never give up their parental status or let someone else adopt their child, but those people would also have a relationship with their child and wouldn’t be refusing to see them until the other parent exceeded to their demands.

As this notion that biology is somehow sacred, do people take the same view of children who are removed from their parents because of their parents’ abusive actions? Just because it’s only the mother he raped, does that mean he could still be a fit parent? I think not. Let’s bear in mind here that if the OP had stayed with this man and he had committed the acts against her while they were a couple and he’d been charged, there’s every chance that social services would be involved and that they would even be telling the OP she needed to leave her partner or risk losing her child.

Of course the OP needs to tell her DS an age-appropriate version of his situation, but accusing her of damaging her child, standing in the way of a relationship with the child’s father is completely OTT and unnecessary. As per the OP who said that it is not possible to lose your parental rights in the UK, well firstly the father isn’t on the birth certificate and therefore has no parental responsibilities at this stage and second, the courts can and do remove PR in some instances.

OP, I would seek legal advice, I would also block your ex’s number if he really wants to get in contact he can do so through a solicitor, although I wouldn’t be telling him that. And I would open a bank account in your DS’ name so if the ex insists on putting money in there it is there for him when he’s older, and then I would never touch it again. If the courts can see that while this man has paid you have never actually used any of the money, that may well help. TBH I might even be inclined to give the money back if an adoption order were granted.

Op you need to speak to a family law expert. Two people I know were legally adopted by step father one of whom became my cousin this was in the late seventies. Another quite recent but over ten yrs ago was involved from age 6 months calls him dad I believe he was allowed to adopt.
At the very least you should be able to get your husband parental responsibility as a step parent, I did some reading many moons ago and my husband because he had been involved in my kids lives for x amount of years had rights

@Andysbestadventure OP if he's not on the birth certificate as far as I know he wouldn't have a say in any of it or be made aware of any of it through the courts.

That’s not true, he would very much be made aware of it as it has to be shown to the court that contact (from ss) with the bio-father was sought regarding the adoption.
My ex was neither on the birth certificate nor is a British citizen however social services documented that they had spoken to him once when he asked them to ring back at a specified time (which then went unanswered), several further attempts at contact were made (phone, letter and social media) and these again had to be reported to the courts along with proof that they had to the best of their abilities made him aware of not only the adoption but his right to contest it too.

I wouldn't get your DH to adopt DS. It won't make much difference if no father is named on the birth certificate, and could cause problems later down the line. Its more common that a child who grew up with no named father and no contact with father will ask their step parent as a teenager to adopt them, more for the sentiment than any legal necessity. Don't make a messy situation even messier

Hi op this is my experience albeit about 10 years ago. I was married to a man who was bio father of DD. Planned pregnancy but 3 months after birth he left as he was having affair. After sale of house never saw him again.

I married second husband when dd was 2. When she was 5 we started step parent adoption. It took social services years to trace biological. In the end they got a court order to make HMRC give up his address.

Social services asked if he would agree to adoption he would not then we had court case. He would not agree. Social services said it was in child’s best interests that she was adopted.

There was estimated to be another 2 court cases and an appeal. We had to drop it as didn’t have the funds for a barrister.

So in my view social services will do what is in the child’s best interests. But do you have proof that he is a car crash? They will want proof.

yes i also have experience.....it will be all about the proof, and of course whats best for the child. not the parents

and its not about 'expecting him to give up his rights' here......he has no rights, neither do you, just responsibilities. the 'rights' in this scenario lie with your child

Have you married your current boyfriend? If not that’s something you should consider before giving him rights over your child.

My niece was in a similar position without the rape that I know of, it worked out horribly for her. The request for adoption made her ex realise he had more control by seeing his two DC. He had the funds for excellent legal teams and started with supervised contact. Her DC both choose to lived with her ex at 16, the youngest has just returned to niece. The thing she underestimated was his manipulation, it was how she stayed with him through the abuse. Be prepared he might fight back dirty.

@Timmythatyou OP states in her OP that they are married.

@IloveJonHamm My son is 5 @Shesalittlemadam* and I’ve known my DH for almost 5 of those years. Some people have multiple children within a 5 year timeframe so I’m happy I know my DH well enough and that he will make a suitable legal father.

And if you’d read my actual thread shes - her bio dad has no PR as he’s not listed on the BC. I’m wanting him to be adopted which would sever any legal rights that he could seek to acquire in the future.*

Regardless of how long you've known him, you've only been together 3 years. That's nothing... Most people are only beginning to think about engagement at this stage.
Also, re: PR - he pays maintenance. Which means he is only one easy court hearing away from gaining PR and blocking an adoption.

Look at it from a different point of view. He could easily imply to the courts that you've alienated the child from him, (I'm not implying you are for a second, just saying what he could accuse you of), prevented him from signing birth certificate and gaining PR. The fact he pays maintenance and you accept it, is enough for the courts to accept he's the father and grant him PR. (You can request a DNA test or the courts may order one but it sounds like there's no contest over paternity).
Therefore, if this happens whilst you're going through the process of having your OH adopt your child, then the adoption will await the outcome of your ex's application for PR.

Even if he didn't apply to court for PR, you applying to have your husband adopt your son would likely result in questions about the paternal father. Otherwise women all over who have alienated the biological fathers of their child, would be allowed to just have another man adopt them - subsequently removing the paternal father's rights, just like that. Which you absolutely cannot do. You cannot play God with your child 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Shesalittlemadam
My Husband began the adoption process when we'd been together for 2 years (married for 1) and it was completed about a year and a half later (it would have been faster but obviously every time a child at risk enters the system and needs to be assigned a social worker you are bumped down the list-and rightly so.)
Just because you don't approve it doesn't mean it's wrong. It's up to a social worker and the judge to decide what is in the best interests of the child.

No he’s not on the BC but has threatened he’d try and get PR in the past. An empty threat because he has done nothing with it. He doesn’t have rights as such, but at any point could request access. How that must damage a child, a parent skipping merrily in and out of their lives.

Just go and put your DH on the birth certificate 🤷