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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

whether to report dh for drink driving right now?

260 replies

steakandmantoo · 22/12/2019 21:29

I can't even believe I'm in this predicament. DH is a bus driver, so driving is his job, what supports us.

he has came home drunk a few times, where he has drove home, and I've been angry, and warned him to not do it again.

He just popped back now to drop me some food off, and I smelt vodka, his eyes looked red, and his cousin is in the car, drunk also. He flat out denied it, and said I'm imagining things, and then he went back to his car and drove off.

I'm really worried about him killing himself and cousin, and other people. But if I report him, and the police catch him, that means his jobs gone, and we would be left broke with no income?

I just don't know what to do to make sure he never does this again.

OP posts:
Panpastels · 22/12/2019 23:48

You did the right thing OP. Ignore the fucking idiot on here.

Greenmarmalade · 22/12/2019 23:48

Police are highly unlikely to do anything. I reported missing children recently and it took an age for the (underfunded, understaffed) police to do a thing.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 22/12/2019 23:50

@rp30 then we will have to agree to disagree but I think it's deplorable to try and put any downfall he suffers onto the OP. HE made the choice to get behind the wheel after having a drink - no one else - so he only has himself to blame for the repercussions. He may not have killed/injured someone today if OP hadn't reported him but what we do know, is that thanks to OP, he won't

EKGEMS · 22/12/2019 23:51

He sounds like a raging alcoholic at minimum

MutedUser · 22/12/2019 23:53

@Branster they have introduced zero tolerance in the UK . I’m in Scotland and that has been the law here for years.

Bunnyfuller · 22/12/2019 23:54

@Greenmarmalade

How many children were missing? For how long? Are you aware of the activity that is undertaken in misper reports prior to attending the address?

It’s a bit more complicated than what you see, and there’s a lot we can do behind the scenes that you won’t have access to.

Yes we’re crippled financially but a report such as this is an easy win, and relatively quick.

GabsAlot · 22/12/2019 23:54

RP have you been snitchedon before or something-you keep repeating how selfish it we're all weak and should stand by our man?

You can stand by them but giving them the wake up call they need a shock to hopefully make sure this never happens again

DonutMan · 22/12/2019 23:55

I'm sadly not surprised a bus driver would do this. I've known loads of truck drivers who smoke weed while driving and a few who have been known to (allegedly) do a line of coke off the steering wheel.

TrixieFranklin · 22/12/2019 23:56

Thank you for doing the right thing OP

Lulualla · 22/12/2019 23:59

@MutedUser

Its not zero tolerance in Scotland. It's less than the rest of the UK but it isn't zero.

In Scotland, the drink-drive alcohol limit is reduced to:
50mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood
67mg of alcohol per 100ml of urine
22 micrograms of alcohol per 100ml of breath

user1497997754 · 23/12/2019 00:00

My daughter reported me for drink driving and I am really proud of her.....I am very ashamed and it was the wake up call I needed.....not a day goes by without me thinking about it and the fact I could have killed someone the shame is dreadful but it was needed and I would never be in that position again ever

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/12/2019 00:06

Take care OP, and I suggest you ignore a certain poster

Grumpelstilskin · 23/12/2019 00:09

Well done OP. I once actually knocked out an acquaintance cold who was severely drunk but tried to get in their car. This person was so blind drunk, they fell numerous times and became violent when a few of us tried to take the car keys of them. This would have ended in a horrific nightmare otherwise. there's the very likely danger of death and life-changing injuries but many people rely on their cars and may not get a decent pay-out if a scumbag like that drives into their parked cars as well as other road users. That person claimed not to have any recollection the next day but I cut all contact. Anyone who minimises or excuses drunk drivers are pure scum and culpable if they do nothing.

bd67th · 23/12/2019 00:22

@rp30 informing telling the police acheives.

It achieves him being arrested, him losing his licence, and him not driving whilst drunk again.

If she worked with her partner,

Because it's women's responsibility to fix their husband's behaviour. Hmm First rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

she could potentially establish a long-term change in behaviour that brings more safety to road users.

Him losing his licence achieves safety for road users immediately and with certainty.

You know innocent children die because of drink driving. it is sick that you encourage this.

It's not us who encourage the OP to cross her fingers and hope that her DH comes home safely, so that she can try and fail as she has already tried and failed to persuade him to drive sober. That accusation of "encouraging drink driving" is actually an admission of what you're doing. I detect a narcissist in you, one who is trying to steer the OP down the path of codependant enabler.

I just want him to change and for him to get the help to do this, and the obvious person is a partner.

Why? Is she a trained addiction counsellor? Or are you invoking the first rule of misogyny again? Why are you so invested in the OP becoming a codependant enabler for her husband?

In a now-deleted post you said that people who've been affected by drink-driving lose impartiality. Why should we need to be "impartial" about anything to have an opinion? Surely the people who've been affected profoundly by something like drink-driving should be the first we listen to as they are witnesses as to how harmful it is? The argument you make has been used as an excuse to discount the opinions of rape victims, DV survivors, and even survivors of US school shootings. It's a poor and illogical argument, as well an inhumane one.

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/12/2019 00:33

Well said bd67th

SarahNade · 23/12/2019 00:37

@rp30 So he might not have an accident. But he might and kill someone. The police may stop him IN TIME.

Are you really suggesting that he plays Russian roulette on the road and with the lives of other motors and pedestrians? Is that what you are truly suggesting?

There is no other perspective. This isn't even a legal issue as it is as much a life/death issue. If it was your DH and you held off reporting him and he hit and killed a child, could you live with that on your conscience?

Equanimitas · 23/12/2019 00:51

It was wrong to snitch on your husband. You could had made him get a lift tonight in a cab and in the future, buy him a breathalyser and help him overcome any difficulties that he may have with drinking. You are a team.

How, @rp30? He completely denied he was drunk and got in the car and drove off. Was OP supposed to go and lie down in front of the car to stop him or something?

WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 00:52

@recklessruby I’m really sorry that you had to bear that, your DP dying. Just wanted to say that. Flowers

Wow OP, scary as hell but only just saw this thread and you reported him. That makes me believe in humanity a bit more after a rubbish day. It lifts my spirits (excuse the pun) that people will stand up and have integrity. Integrity isn’t just some pompous abstract thing. It’s about looking above our own tiny little circles and taking care of everyone and doing the right thing. Who knows whose life OP may have saved?

Well done OP.

SarahNade · 23/12/2019 00:57

I hope the OP is ok, she hasn't been back. Although, it is late.

Equanimitas · 23/12/2019 01:00

If she worked with her partner, she could potentially establish a long-term change in behaviour that brings more safety to road users

She's tried that, it hasn't worked. Nor has the knowledge that the risks he's taking potentially leave him jobless and in prison. What more do you think she can possibly do?

recklessruby · 23/12/2019 01:01

wildChristmasthank you. It s a long time ago but when I read threads like this I wish I had been as brave as the OP.
I did try to tell him, he lied to me and I wanted to believe being young and my first boyfriend.

WWlOOlWW · 23/12/2019 01:04

Good on you OP.

... and LTB. What a cunt.

WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 01:12

@recklessruby I’m just so sorry. You can’t blame yourself in any way. You are the one left with the pain too and none of it is your fault. And yet you are also brave enough to come and post to help another through similar.

cheeseislife8 · 23/12/2019 01:19

Good for you OP! Ignore the troll idiot, you've done absolutely the right thing

sashh · 23/12/2019 01:20

Well done OP