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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

whether to report dh for drink driving right now?

260 replies

steakandmantoo · 22/12/2019 21:29

I can't even believe I'm in this predicament. DH is a bus driver, so driving is his job, what supports us.

he has came home drunk a few times, where he has drove home, and I've been angry, and warned him to not do it again.

He just popped back now to drop me some food off, and I smelt vodka, his eyes looked red, and his cousin is in the car, drunk also. He flat out denied it, and said I'm imagining things, and then he went back to his car and drove off.

I'm really worried about him killing himself and cousin, and other people. But if I report him, and the police catch him, that means his jobs gone, and we would be left broke with no income?

I just don't know what to do to make sure he never does this again.

OP posts:
OrangeCinnamon · 22/12/2019 23:30

RP30 ...sounds a bit Trump like dare I say!

rp30 · 22/12/2019 23:30

This reply has been deleted

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Ginfordinner · 22/12/2019 23:31

I have never done this on MN before. So here goes.

Fuck off rp30 and take your uneducated stupidity with you Hmm

Drink driving should never be excused.

rp30 · 22/12/2019 23:32

@Branster definitely, I agree. That is always the way, we are most sensitive to things that have impacted us personally.

MrsAgassi · 22/12/2019 23:32

rp30

Plus not every drink driver is dangerous

I did read your posts. The above is a quote from one of them.

If you think I misunderstood what you said then you should read your own posts back because you did say what you are now saying you didn't say! Maybe then you'll understand why you are in a minority of one with your, quite frankly, bizarre views.

Hairwizard · 22/12/2019 23:33

Rp is either a troll or an utter twat. No excuse for drink driving ever. And in OPs shoes id have done the same.
Seriously what fucking planet must you live on that us wimmin folk should 'stand by your man' bullshit.
Fuck off. To the far side of fuck.

MrsAgassi · 22/12/2019 23:35

YuletideFairy

I am very sorry for your loss.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 22/12/2019 23:35

@rp30 are you for real?! My close family member was convicted of DD after they had an accident on the motorway. Yes it turned out they had a drink problem but they should've known better as they were in the pub trade - a licensee at that!! If I had known, you're damn right I would've reported them. I have sat at the funeral of a friend who died as a result of drink and drug driving - I watched his children crying their eyes out, heart broken at his funeral. The sad thing is, he also killed the female passenger in his car that night. 4 children were left without a parent so I have zero tolerance for drink drivers. I am beyond disgusted that my family did what they did and they were extemely lucky that no one else was involved. They, fortunately, have learnt their lesson and has been too scared to get behind the wheel again, depsite giving up drinking and being able to get their license back years ago. To tell the OP that she is lazy for phoning the police is disgusting. Phoning the police will give him the wake up call he NEEDS if he has a drink problem. Otherwise he will carry on doing it, believing he is invincible.

rp30 · 22/12/2019 23:36

@Bunnyfuller you're cute. The police have a reading to measure the amount of alcohol, the more the worse, legally and medically.

I did not make any excuses for him but legally, there are mitigating circumstances in respect of a sentence which is not that dissimilar to an excuse.

recklessruby · 22/12/2019 23:36

True. Not every drink driver has an accident or gets caught.
Which means they normalise it and carry on doing it.
I suspect my dp might have got away with it plenty of times before he crashed and died.
I ve got to live with that. OP wont.

PickAChew · 22/12/2019 23:37

My aunt suffered life changing injuries (not for the better, for the thick amongst us) at the hands of a drink driver.

katewhinesalot · 22/12/2019 23:37

Very brave

rp30 · 22/12/2019 23:38

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PickAChew · 22/12/2019 23:38

but legally, there are mitigating circumstances in respect of a sentence which is not that dissimilar to an excuse.

This reads like you are on the sauce, yourself.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 22/12/2019 23:39

OP you're very right and very brave and I'm sending all the hugs. Flowers

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 22/12/2019 23:40

Oh @rp30 you utter dimwit.

Icanflyhigh · 22/12/2019 23:41

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Bunnyfuller · 22/12/2019 23:41

@rp30

I think breaking the law is dishonourable. The latter lady sounds well rid of her selfish arsehole drink driver. The other one is no doubt BEING controlled.

I think the motives are: to stop him drink driving tonight.

rp30 · 22/12/2019 23:42

@Hangingwithmygnomies I disagree. I just think it is unlikely that reporting him will stop him being a threat. I think it is a horrible situation and if he were an alcoholic, that is a nightmare for a partner as he has a 5% chance of staying clean and sober. And only he can chose to change, which means those around him are bystanders. But support still helps.

rp30 · 22/12/2019 23:43

@Bunnyfuller I disagree and he is without someone who has less issues.

bd67th · 22/12/2019 23:44

OP: He didn't go out for a solid 4 years but it's like since I've become a mother he feels like he can do what he wants and I'll stay.

Creepster: That is common strategy among emotionally abusive men.

In one of Lundy Bancroft's abuser groups they actually discussed how long they should wait before the abuse could begin without fear of the target leaving.

He knows that the child makes it harder for you to leave, so he didn't start his shitty behaviour until you had a kid with him. Reckless driving is a recognised form of abuse in its own right. Endangering the means of support of a child is also a form of abuse. He knows that his job is at risk, he knows he could kill someone, and he knows this puts stress on you, but he does it anyway: it's abuse.

Recommendation: get your and the child's documentation together, birth certificates, passports, etc and pack a bag of essentials now so that you can leave immediately if you catch any hint that he suspects you of blowing the whistle.

And ask MNHQ to hide this thread before you log out of Mumsnet and scrub your cookies and browser history, because if he recognises this thread as referring to him then he'll know it's you that tipped the police off.

Well done for having the integrity to protect someone else's life. You now need to look after yourself and your child.

Bunnyfuller · 22/12/2019 23:45

@rp30

I am the police.

There are not ‘mitigating circumstances’ for knowingly getting in a vehicle intending to drive it having been drinking alcohol over the legal limit. There’s generally a very dim view taken of drink drivers as there really is no reason to do it.

ButtonMoonLoon · 22/12/2019 23:45

It’s just occurred to me that, having made the call, you’re now likely to be sitting up waiting for a phone call.
Please reach out for support if you need it.

Casmama · 22/12/2019 23:47

People are entitled to an opinion and the cries of troll, personal attacks and declarations of having reported rp30 are a bit ridiculous.
I happen to disagree with their opinion but there will no doubt be lots of people who agree with parts of what they say and it is important for the discussion to be had so that if this thread is referenced in the future if might assist someone else to make the right decision.

Milsplus3 · 22/12/2019 23:48

@rp30 how fucking dare you. The ‘man’ has put himself in a position to kill himself or an innocent person, on many occasions, that isn’t the OPs fault as he is responsible for his own actions and she doesn’t have to support them just because she’s married to him. By reporting him she may have just saved his life or an innocent family from being killed 2 days before Christmas. Supporting a drink driver is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. I almost lost my dad twice in this situation and I would never hesitate to report a drunk driver no matter what connection they had to me. I hope you never have to go through the loss of someone through a drunk being careless and selfish.
OP you done the right thing and I really hope reality hits him in the face and makes him sort himself out now Flowers