Hair length on my son

[MMadness]

I will preface this by saying that every time we go out in public that it gets commented on.

So, my son is 4. He's so secu,re and outgoing. Part of husband's culture involves not cutting hair, male or female, until the child asks.

4 months ago DS started daycare, first time in formal care ever. I wondered if he'd want it cut or if he might get teased.

Nope. I notice though that he points out that he's a boy if he meets or speaks to someone for the first time.

I'm pretty much immune to the double takes and the "Boy? You sure?" Yes. I'm sure.

Today was the worst. I went to a supermarket late this afternoon as I'd forgotten to buy milk.

DS was bathed, hair washed and loose, blue dinosaur PJs on.Standing in the express lane behind us was a lady in her 60s. She touched me on the shoulder and our conversation went like this;

Her "I just had to tell you how wonderful it is to see a little girl in typical boy PJs, I haven't seen that in years"

Me "Oh, haha. You still haven't, he's a boy"

Her "why would you have a BOY grow his hair like that, how ridiculous "

Me - vague smile and turned back towards the counter.

My son - "I'm a boy hey mum?"

Me - "Yeah baby"

Her to my son "Don't you want to look like a proper little boy? You should have hair cut"

My son - "No thank you, I like my air"

Her - "Well, you're a very silly little boy"

Me 😡 "Excuse me? Do not speak to my child like that. Not that it's ANY of your business, but as part of his father's ethnicity hair is not cut until they asked, so mind your manners yeah?"

Her - " Boys should not have hair....."

Me - "But, according to you 3 minutes ago, it was fabulous to see a girl in boys pjs"

Her - "Yes, and?"

Me - "Can you not see your hypocrisy? Save your ignorant opinions and judgemental views for someone else."

I'm still raging mad. I managed not to swear at her.

We teach our kids everyday to be kind and respectful to everyone. And this type of shit happens.

I know I shouldn't take it to heart. But sometimes it annoys the absolute fuck out of me.

I'll calm down easily. I just need better ways of addressing it better going forward.

it requires a regular ritual of time consuming washing and brushing to maintain and i don't really like children getting the idea that spending a long time grooming/tending your appearance is an essential part of life

Funny thing is that this was a good life lesson for my daughter. She always used to scream the place down when I tried to brush her hair, and never wanted anything done to it. It was a nightmare! However, she's now old enough to understand that having long hair means taking care of it. She brushes it regularly, and even lets me brush and style it. Choosing to have it long means choosing to maintain it. It gives her a little bit of control over something, a little bit of bodily autonomy, plus a little bit of personal responsibility.

I got called a boy when I had a page boy cut and was wearing yellow dungarees when I was 3. I indignantly told the woman I was a girl.

I hate this shit.

NoIDont did you miss the bit where the OP said it was for cultural reasons?

Absolutely beautiful hair 🥰 My son (10) has long curly hair half way down his back, also has the most beautiful large eyes and long eyelashes and is constantly still mistaken for a girl even at 10. He deals with it himself and tells them confidently that he is a boy... no big deal and doesn't bother him. He'll have his hair cut if/when he decides he wants to himself! 🙌🏻

I think you dealt with that idiotic woman brilliantly, hypocritical, sexist bullshit needs to be called out and our children shown that it's okay to call it out... Go Mom!

Man that's annoying. You'd think someone who was glad of breaking stereotypes for girls would back breaking them for boys....what an idiot.

My DD is 8 and never had her hair cut. I consider it a part of my (white british) culture to respect the bodily autonomy of children. I'm sad so many others don't see it that way, and crew cut their kids hair before they are old enough to have a say (though only the boys obvs - because sexism is also sadly a part of my culture).

she was very rude.

Seriously, if we're saying as a PP did that children cannot make a choice without knowing what the alternative feels like, perhaps we need new norms where haircuts are banned altogether for all children between, say, 5 and 7 years old and compulsory buzzcuts are enforced from 8 to 11!

What nonsense. You don't have to have experienced a virtual scalping before deciding you like your hair long.

This relentless policing of artificial gender norms and questioning of children's gender identity needs to stop now; it's causing such harm and angst to the most vulnerable group of all. Let children be themselves without be watched, hawk-like, to see if they 'need' drugging and surgery.

What beautiful hair! That woman was a horrible person, regardless of your views, who tells off an unknown small child for superficial reasons in public?!
As an aside, good on you and your DP for upholding the Māori culture. I spent a lot of time on the periphery when I was seeing a Māori guy while living in New Zealand, and it’s the most beautiful, rich culture with such a deep sense of pride.

Philomena

Yes I did. Sorry OP

I understand its for cultural reasons and is beautifully kept but I wonder if you son feels his hair is his identity and would not feel so comfortable in himself without it? I say this because I've seen children who are well known for something, and when thats removed they really flouder.