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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give our 10 year old his Christmas presents?

323 replies

stardust22 · 22/12/2019 14:27

Our 10 year old is threatening to tell his 6 year old Sister that Father Christmas isn't real.

He is trying to use this information to black mail us. When he is given consequences he will say either cancel my consequences or I'll tell her the truth about Christmas.

We have said we won't put up with his behaviour & if he did tell her he would not receive any Christmas presents.

He is & always has been rude & aggressive. I don't know how much information to give as this has been on going since he was 4 years old.

My husband & I have discussed not giving Christmas presents to him previously but I have always said no way.

This year I am unsure..... I know it would cause massive upset & ruin our Christmas but he acts so entitled & really only cares about himself.
I don't think it will change his behaviour as nothing we have ever done has, we are just at a loss.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 22/12/2019 19:05

Your ten year old probably is modelling himself after activists that whistleblow the truth about lying corporations and governments.

What the actual fuck? 🙄

absopugginglutely · 22/12/2019 19:15

Does he have an anxiety disorder? It sounds a bit like a child in my family who really struggles with the build up to Christmas.
Perhaps have him assessed in the NY.
Don’t not give him pressies though.

Grinchly · 22/12/2019 19:16

Surely at six, and with a modicum of intelligence, the child will be starting to doubt the whole charade anyway?

Why the hysteria?

susandelgado · 22/12/2019 19:20

N/C for this. My daughter behaved like this as a child. As long as she was getting her own way everything was fine. But if anything went wrong there were mega tantrums. She had therapy with cahms and was eventually diagnosed with bpd and bipolar. She is now in her 20's and not a lot has changed. Local mental health services are so bad she is really suffering.
I agree with what some other posters are saying, give him no opportunity to be unkind to his sister , tell her gently before he can so that you have the power not him. Then if he kicks off and spoils things, give him some but not all of his presents, hold them back until his behaviour is exemplary.
Good luck Thanks

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/12/2019 19:29

Has he thought this through.

If he tells his dsis what else will he have to hold over you.

You can then tell your little one that Father Christmas only visits those children that believe in him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 19:31

Surely at six, and with a modicum of intelligence, the child will be starting to doubt the whole charade anyway?

We're 3 days away from Christmas. It's probably going to be her last year believing. Why ruin the magic now? Let her have one last Christmas.

Some of the most intelligent people I know believed until they were 7/8 and your statement is frankly insulting to parents who want their children to remain children for as long as possible.

Kids grow up so fast these days. Innocence is such a lovely thing.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 22/12/2019 19:41

I think you have to, really. You cant threaten something and not follow through or he will learn that he can blackmail you. If he tells her, give him nothing and tell him that until he learns not to be spiteful and entitled he will get nothing but the essentials. No treats or days out. The world doesn't owe you anything and the sooner he learns that the better.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/12/2019 19:42

I dont think there's a huge difference between "making threats" which people on here are very much frowning upon, and natural consequences. Eg
Threat: If you tell your sister santa isn't real you will get no presents.
Consequence: if you are so sure santa isn't real that you tell your sister.... you will get no presents as there is no one to deliver them.

Its just presentational. He sounds like you need to avoid giving him the reaction he is looking for. He obviously likes to feel in control, can you find some things he can control? Then get some professional advice on how you can work on giving him some strategies to cope with the fact that in life, he is going to regularly have to submit to others authority without being a little shit about it.

Superduper13 · 22/12/2019 19:43

Hi OP,
It sounds really tough.
It really sound to me that you son has features of an autism spectrum disorder; lacking empathy and flexibility in play, driven by his own needs and agenda, his need for control, tolieting difficulties starting when he started nursery, his anger and difficulty negotiating with him as well as other behaviour strategies not working .
What are his friendships like? Does he tend to dominate ?
What’s his conversation like? Can he listen to others , ask questions of others or does he tend to dominate ?
Does he have any routines / obsessions?

I see some PP have also mentioned ASD too so might be something to consider.

pooboobsleeprepeat · 22/12/2019 20:06

He is craving attention!! Set aside a few hours to do something with him, anything he wants and chat on a level with him. ‘No fc isn’t real but you don’t want to ruin the magic for your sibling’
Withholding presents will only make things worse and make Xmas shit for everyone.

Saddler · 22/12/2019 20:09

If you threaten something follow through with it

sirfredfredgeorge · 22/12/2019 20:14

If you threaten something follow through with it

So when the kid threatened to tell his sister, he has to follow through with it, or somehow that is teaching the wrong lesson?

Talking to the kid, saying you were sorry for making a threat you never wanted to fulfill, explaining that sometimes you say things in the heat of an argument which aren't your real beliefs and how you wouldn't want to ruin his Christmas for him you believe that he wouldn't want to ruin it for his sister either.

The threat was wrong to make - as it wouldn't lead to good discipline (even if it worked, the method of control disappears immediately after Christmas) - pulling back from the threat might start re-establishing the relationship as parent/child and not some nuclear powers trying to out threaten each other.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 22/12/2019 20:22

I saw a film recently where it was explained that Father Christmas is a human form of the emotions of hope, desire, love, thought, consideration, care etc. That although presents were bought by people, those emotions were used every time when looking, finding, buying, wrapping and gifting. To make it easier to imagine those things In one bunch, people created a happy, smiling, warm, cuddly chap in happy colours who epitomises all those feelings in one easy form.
If the little bugger wants to tell her that, you could try this approach?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/12/2019 20:26

This is what comes of lying to children about Santa

Exactly.

Just leave his presents out of it whatever you decide to do,that's not the way to discipline a child and they'll learn nothing from it just resent you and never forget it.

notnowmaybelater · 22/12/2019 20:31

It does very much sound as though, as numerous others has said, he is copying exactly the behaviour his parents model.

He needs intrinsic motivation to act appropriately, but you have fallen into the habit of controlling him with threats (which you do indeed follow through with) so of course he's behaving exactly the same way and trying to control you with threats - you're his role model!

Whilst empty threats are worthless and counterproductive the trick isn't to follow through on your threat, no matter how extreme and long term, the trick is not to make extreme or open ended/ long term threats.

To be a productive teaching tool a consequence has to give the child the opportunity to learn and grow and has to be short term and immediate. Threatening never to take a child to the park after school again is massively out of proportion and utterly ridiculous. You remove something really positive forever. A few weeks, let alone months, later the child won't remember at all that the reason they no longer go to the park after school is that they kicked off in the car home once when they were 8... Instead you've just removed the opportunity to build a positive relationship and left a bad taste, not a learning experience. To be useful the consequence has to be time limited and immediate - there always has to be the chance to start fresh the next day, or at the very latest after missing a weekly activity once.

Part of the problem seems to be the massive over reaction to his fairly age appropriate behaviour as a toddler. Loads of 3 year olds withhold poo at stressful times (starting nursery is stressful even if they enjoy it - children don't always know that they are stressed, just as sometimes they don't know they're worried but think they have a physical tummy ache). The hammer comments at age 3 were not unusual for a 3 year old and we're just nonsense a child learning to use language expressively spouts.

You've been taking him too seriously and vastly over reacting with threats and out of proportion permanent consequences and of course this has backfired because he's copying you.

I agree this problem has developed and escalated into a deeply ingrained part of the family dynamics for so long that you absolutely need outside help for the family as a whole, not a diagnosis for the ten year old.

isadoradancing123 · 22/12/2019 20:33

It sounds as if there is something totally weird about him, no normmal 4 year old threatens to smash up the car with a hammer, he needs psychological help

AuntyElle · 22/12/2019 20:37

That’s a brilliant post, @notnowmaybelater.

Choufleur · 22/12/2019 20:39

He’s 10. You’re an adult. Do you want to ruin his Christmas? He will remember it forever. You need to manage his behaviour differently. What things matter to him (hobbies, Nintendo, Xbox ...?) I may threaten taking those away for a period but not his Christmas presents. It will ruin Christmas for you all

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 22/12/2019 20:42

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Knoxinbox · 22/12/2019 20:44

I echo all hose posters who have mentioned ASD/C..... please get him referred to be assessed for this. Either through school or GP, or if you have the money a private Clinical Psychologist

Knoxinbox · 22/12/2019 20:46

weird not normal.... you are talking about a child isadora what awful language to use!!!!! Angry

VanyaHargreeves · 22/12/2019 20:46

Are you quite serious poster above me?

A WHIPPING?!

Jesus Fuck, we don't tend to do that to children in the UK, I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be legal and it certainly wouldn't be loving or just.

Disproportionate violence popular amongst parents you know?!

meredithgrey1 · 22/12/2019 20:51

Your ten year old probably is modelling himself after activists that whistleblow the truth about lying corporations and governments.

He probably isn't...

joan12 · 22/12/2019 20:55

@notnowmaybelater

Yes, such a thoughtful post

ChristmasSweet · 22/12/2019 20:59

This post gave me We Need To Talk About Kevin vibes.

Thank god I wasn't the only one.

His behaviour is quite concerning and doesn't sound autistic to be honest. He sounds quite clever, but not in a good way. He knows who to behave in front of and who he can get away with threatening. I wouldn't be surprised if he is manipulating children at school as well but is just very good at hiding it.

I think you said you can't afford a therapist, but honestly try and find one. There is one in my city that will see people for free or for whatever they can afford. Try and find one like that, they must surely exist in other cities. Even if there isn't, save some money and get him to a psychologist.

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