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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give our 10 year old his Christmas presents?

323 replies

stardust22 · 22/12/2019 14:27

Our 10 year old is threatening to tell his 6 year old Sister that Father Christmas isn't real.

He is trying to use this information to black mail us. When he is given consequences he will say either cancel my consequences or I'll tell her the truth about Christmas.

We have said we won't put up with his behaviour & if he did tell her he would not receive any Christmas presents.

He is & always has been rude & aggressive. I don't know how much information to give as this has been on going since he was 4 years old.

My husband & I have discussed not giving Christmas presents to him previously but I have always said no way.

This year I am unsure..... I know it would cause massive upset & ruin our Christmas but he acts so entitled & really only cares about himself.
I don't think it will change his behaviour as nothing we have ever done has, we are just at a loss.

OP posts:
LazyFace · 22/12/2019 21:04

A whipping??????

The hell is going on here before Christmas...

Mypathtriedtokillme · 22/12/2019 21:40

I’m the youngest of 3 kids.

When my oldest sister decided Santa wasn’t real my parents involved her in being Santa. Thinking up ways to add to the “magic” like Santa footprints or reindeer prints, getting to bite the biscuit.
Helped with wrapping, picking gifts, got to stay up extra late watching Xmas movies with special Christmas treats while putting out gifts.
If you kept the surprise, you got to help be Santa which was the incentive to keep it.
Both of my sisters were gutted when I stopped believing as it was their favourite time making the magic real to me.

So maybe instead of telling him if he tells no gifts, instead ask him if he would like to help be Santa and make it something special.
If he keeps the magic then he gets to be involved in making Christmas special.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 22/12/2019 22:01

Does he ever get a change to earn something back?
Is there an incentive for good behaviour?
Losing something for a year is a very long time for a 10 year old.
Shit it along time for a grown adult.
Think about it for drunk/dangerous driving you lose your license for 6-18 months and that’s something you could kill someone doing.

It’s likely he just feel like he will never win, why bother when the punishment seems to continue forever and he’s a bad kid anyway.

jimmyhill · 22/12/2019 22:23

Santa isn't real so gently explain this to DD.

Then, tell her DS doesn't know this yet, but you think she's grown up enough to break the news to him.

What DS needs to (re)learn is that you are smarter than him and more powerful than him. You hold the cards. You make the weather.

Catmaiden · 22/12/2019 22:38

This sounds just like the sort of behaviour we saw with DD, aged 6 onwards. Diagnosed ASD, and other diagnoses, aged 16. We had a horrendous time as she grew up, with these sorts of threats, and the uncaring response to any consequences.

Awkward1 · 23/12/2019 10:15

I was told by my sister.

Tbh i think the issue isnt just the blackmail over Santa it's that he is likely to try blackmail again as he just wants to do what he wants.

I do think it's possible that it's caused by over discipining. However, we have similar issues and also have to come down harshly with dc7yo because dc is constantly acting up.
I do think you end up with a pattern of extremely negative punishing and the kid spirals down. Which is why i dread any issues at school as they seem to blow up relatively minor stuff which then causes more major stuff.

churchandstate · 23/12/2019 10:32

I wouldn’t remove his presents. That’s trying to out-nasty him. Every time he tried to blackmail me, however, I would send him to his room with no TV, tech or other privileges, and he would stay there until he learnt not to be so unpleasant.

WatchingTheMoon · 23/12/2019 10:36

"no normmal 4 year old threatens to smash up the car with a hammer, he needs psychological help"

How much time have you spent with 4 year olds?

They are little psychopaths in the main, I teach early years and frankly some of the stuff they come out with is freaky. It is totally normal. They are pushing boundaries.

Karwomannghia · 23/12/2019 10:50

You definitely need help with him and GPs can refer so I would go back. He obviously finds it extremely difficult to manage his overwhelming emotions.
With the park thing he held it together until you were alone. I think he needs more practice at leaving situations with more preparation and understanding of how he’ll feel etc. I wouldn’t just stop doing everything because he’s been difficult when he’s enjoyed the main part of it. He needs help.
Re the FC thing, don’t up the ante with threats, every time he starts up try a positive distraction talking about something else. if he does tell his sister I would just do the standard thing of saying to her that of course he’s real.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 10:51

What DS needs to (re)learn is that you are smarter than him and more powerful than him. You hold the cards. You make the weather.

Oh yeah what we really need to teach our children is that they're inferior Hmm

HoHoHoik · 23/12/2019 11:14

What DS needs to (re)learn is that you are smarter than him and more powerful than him. You hold the cards. You make the weather.

If your DH treated you like that you'd leave him for being an emotionally abusive fucker. Why then do you think is it acceptable to treat a child that way?

choli · 23/12/2019 11:35

I'd try a big word with him about how much this is upsetting you
Really? I think he knows very well that his mother's fixation with the "magic" of Christmas gives him an easy way to make her very upset.

churchandstate · 23/12/2019 12:03

What DS needs to (re)learn is that you are smarter than him and more powerful than him. You hold the cards. You make the weather.

I think this is too strongly stated, but there’s a good point underlying it. The DS does need to understand that he’s not in charge of the home, his parents are.

Skyejuly · 23/12/2019 12:05

I would let him tell her and give him no presents. Action and consequence.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 23/12/2019 12:06

The whole Santa myth is ridiculous, children should just know that it is a nice story. You have given your son a weapon. Take it off him, tell her yourself. No way should his present be with held thats just very unkind

jimmyhill · 23/12/2019 12:10

If your DH treated you like that you'd leave him for being an emotionally abusive fucker. Why then do you think is it acceptable to treat a child that way?

Are you on glue?

Ten year old children don't get to run households through blackmail and intimidation. They don't get a democratic say in the behaviour standards they need to meet.

Parents are in responsible, in charge, and in control of CHILDREN. They have the ability to define what does and does not happen in a household.

Doing so is not abusive. It is called parenting.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 12:13

@jimmyhill you're not wrong but teaching a child that you are 'more powerful' isn't the solution. Being the strongest (emotionally or physically) doesn't give you the right to superiority.

jimmyhill · 23/12/2019 12:16

@jimmyhill you're not wrong but teaching a child that you are 'more powerful' isn't the solution. Being the strongest (emotionally or physically) doesn't give you the right to superiority

I think you are confusing physical power / violence with the responsibility of being in charge.

Powerful people have their words heeded because their authority is respected.

In a household where a 10yo is attempting to blackmail his own parents - and succeeding - the balance of power is all wrong

Whatsername177 · 23/12/2019 12:17

I'd tell your 6 yo that her brother is being very naughty and telling fibs. Then, the next time DSL makes his threat, smile and tell him to do it. If he does, laugh along and remind dd he is telling fibs. Just make sure all gifts are well hidden.

Whatsername177 · 23/12/2019 12:24

Sorry, I've just gone back and read more of the thread - it sounds like oppositional defiant disorder.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/oppositional-defiant-disorder

PurpleDaisies · 23/12/2019 12:31

He isn’t telling fibs. He isn’t being kind to his sister but he isn’t lying.

HoHoHoik · 23/12/2019 12:34

@jimmyhill No, I'm not on glue. A child absolutely needs to know that they do not rule the roost however turning it into a battle of wills and pushing the agenda of "I'm stronger and more powerful than you therefore I'm in charge" isn't the way to do it. Respect has to be earned, not demanded.

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 12:41

Don’t use presents/Xmas as a bargaining chip - of course not, but if he doesn't believe in Santa, please don't offend his beliefs by giving him presents "from Santa"
Youngest gets presents from Santa and you
Disruptive son gets presents from you only.

as someone else has said - she'll find out sometime. If son is such an arrogant self centred git, she probably doesn't believe him all the time anyway.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 12:49

The whole point of We Need to Talk About Kevin is that the mum is an UR narrator who catastrophises and demonises her son. The only point that isn't clear is whether she always did so or does it in retrospect but fgs it isn't a diagnostic tool Hmm

OP you have a pattern of threat/escalation/consequence that isn't working. There's no point continuing or repeating it. It sounds as though your DS is articulate and smart, and you've consistently confused that for maturity.

You are (and have been) putting adult motivations on childish behaviour. You need to reset the dynamic in your home for all your sakes. Your DS is struggling and crying out for boundaries. He's acting as though there's instability in his life and I wonder if that comes from the knowledge that you've been considering him controlling and manipulative since he was a child at nursery. It's no co-incidence that he is threatening to tell your DD as a means of control - to him, she probably appears to be the golden child.

Family counselling or a parenting course might help.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 13:00

I'd tell your 6 yo that her brother is being very naughty and telling fibs.

Funny considering he's the only one who's suggesting telling the truth